


Ripple Effect

by conn8d



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-24
Updated: 2012-10-05
Packaged: 2017-11-08 10:44:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 54,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/442360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conn8d/pseuds/conn8d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They might be getting much too used to tragedy, which was probably a tragedy in and of itself. Jackson, Alex, April, and the rest of Seattle Grace in the aftermath of the plane crash. Eventual Japril. Hospital friendship. Follows the events the S8 finale, showing what might happen in S9. (Cross posted from FF.net)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**A/N: April, Jackson, and Alex (and everyone) in the aftermath of 8x24 Flight. Trying my hand at writing Japril. And writing an April that's religious(ish). Also, I'm experimenting with different POV's for this story that I haven't in the past. Seeing how it all goes. Usual disclaimers. Let me know what you think.**

* * *

_When something bad happens, the first night is always strange. Your mind is still trying to process, and in the face of tragedy, you'll find that are far from able to fully comprehend it all. Usually, there isn't much you can do either. You can wait. Hope for the best. Worry. But, it doesn't really make you feel better. You pray that this first night is as bad as things will get._

It was supposed to be a celebration. A happy time. But they never got to eat the damn duck.

For a while, the dinner was good. Jackson, April and Alex sipped wine, laughed, ate rolls, and listened to Dr. Webber tell stories about his youth, and the old days of medicine. It was nearly enough to make Jackson forgive, if not forget their issues. (After all, if he was really honest with himself, his mother was the likely instigator of the whole thing anyway.) It was almost good enough to make him forget his confusion about April, San Francisco, his confused feelings, and her God. Enough to make him feel less sick over leaving.

Almost.

Of course, the evening was never fully free of a sense of unease, and even irritation. They sat for hours, but it was like the dinner never really began. Because of the two empty seats across the table. But looking back, Jackson didn't think any of them had been too worried just then. It wouldn't be the first time Grey and Yang were late for something. So Webber just kept on talking, and April kept on smiling politely, while Jackson sipped his wine, and Alex buttered another roll.

They waited. And waited. And waited.

They were just late, Yang and Grey. Just late. The idea that things had gone horribly wrong had never entered Jackson's mind. Only in hindsight did it seem like it should have. If only to spare them all the shock of finding out about the plane crash as they had. They found out on a fluke, and it hit Jackson with the swiftness of a punch.

It was nearly 8 o'clock, and Webber was in the middle of another long story when April's cell phone rang. The fact that it was her phone could also have given them all a heads up that things were serious. Because lately, her phone ringing never brought any good news.

But Jackson hadn't thought of that. Instead, he laughed with Karev over something Webber said, and reached for the bread, as April wiped the corners of her mouth with the edge of a cloth napkin as she lifted the pink cased iphone to her hear. They'd all thought it was nothing, insignificant. At first, the men barely listened to her call. Maybe it was her family, or a non-surgical job offer. Possibly their absent friends calling to complain about flight delays or traffic. Even a wrong number. Nothing worth paying too much attention to. They'd expected something ordinary.

"Hello?" April answered politely. "This is she."

Jackson carefully buttered a piece of bread, Webber continued talking and Alex loudly chewed a crusty piece of roll.

April's brow furrowed, "Um, yes I did...No, her father is supposed to pick her up tonight. He's not there yet? What about Dr. Grey?"

Jackson didn't register anything about the conversation in that moment. The old chief had gone off on a tangent, and Karev had smirked across the table, mutually agreeing with Jackson to let the old guy say what he wanted to. Maybe if they let him tell enough stories, he'd cave and finally let the waiter bring out the damn duck already. Just because Meredith and Cristina were late didn't mean they should all suffer.

"Uh, I'm sorry...what?" Looking back, Jackson thinks there might have been something in her voice at that moment. Confusion laced with panic.

"C-could you repeat what you just said? You h-heard from this from Chief Hunt?"

April's face went pale, and she lifted her hand to cover her mouth. For a split second, she'd looked like she was going to be sick. That was what caught Jackson's attention. He couldn't stop himself from turning to her, face full of concern. Or stop himself from resting a hand on her shoulder. He couldn't remember if he had the urge to touch her so much before they'd slept together. He couldn't remember why he was afraid this mattered.

"S-sure. Absolutely, I can," April nodded on the verge of tears, hanging up, and fumbling around for her purse as she moved to rise.

Alex's mouth was still full and he gave Jackson a questioning expression. Jackson had shrugged, still not considering the call very much. He was worried she didn't feel well.

Webber was the first to ask, "Dr. Kepner? What's going on?"

That's when Jackson saw her visibly pull it together. April swallowed and carefully slid her phone back into her small purse. She bit her lip and looked at them solemnly, her voice thick with tears and filled with surprise.

"I-I have to go get Zola. The...the-their plane...is missing. Hunt just found out."

"What?" Alex spit out a mouthful of bread. "You're not serious?"

But of course she was, April wouldn't make jokes like that. For a split second it felt like the world had shifted on its axis. Up is down, and left is right. Planes don't just go missing. Webber was already on his feet, and halfway to the parking lot before the gears in Jackson's mind to finally clicked. He could hardly breathe. Hardly process the ramifications of what he'd just heard. So much for being happy tonight.

The plane. Their plane. Missing. Sloan. Lexie. Yang and Grey. They weren't late. Meredith, Cristina and the rest of them. They never made it to dinner, because they never made it back to Seattle. Planes don't just go missing. It's not like they could just take a wrong turn. Use mapquest and end up at the wrong airport or something. No, a missing plane was probably a downed plane. And downed planes...

"Oh crap."

* * *

Richard was a law abiding man. He typically obeyed traffic laws, yielded for pedestrians, drove the speed limit and stopped at red lights. Not tonight though. Tonight he found himself careening through the streets of Seattle at breakneck speeds, and zipping through empty intersections, regardless as to what color streamed from the light bulb suspended in the air above. Richard knew it wasn't the safest thing in the world to do. At his age his reflexes weren't what they used to be.

But he was desperate to get back to the hospital. He had to find out what had happened to  _his_  residents.

And that was true. They were special. Meredith Grey, Cristina Yang, and Alex Karev. They were his. That's why Richard had saved their resident dinner for last. You weren't supposed to have favorites; every resident in the program was supposed to be equal. And they were. Everyone had promise, and they had all come a long way since their first days as interns. But Richard still couldn't help but consider himself closer to some than others. Those three fifth years in particular. And Avery and Kepner too. though to a lesser extent.

Maybe it was because of the shooting. Or his past with Ellis Grey. Or the years of dealing with the messes they somehow got themselves into and out of. Maybe it was because he'd picked a favorite resident in Miranda Bailey years ago, and these were her 'babies'.The reason didn't really matter. What mattered was that these were the closet things to family Richard felt he had. Especially now that Adele no longer remembered him. His residents and his attendings. That was all that mattered. They were his family, and he had to do everything in his power to find out what happened to them.

Reaching the hospital in record time, Richard burst in and immediately headed to the conference room where he knew Hunt often did work, since he foolishly abolished using an office. He found the other man slumped at the far end of the conference table, with a hand held over his mouth, staring blankly at the phone in front of him.

"Dr. Hunt?" Richard asked urgently. When the distraught man in front of him didn't reply he moved closer, placing himself directly in Owen's line of sight.

"Owen?" he prodded again hoping to pull the man out of his reverie. Richard couldn't exactly blame the other doctor for his shock. Whatever had happened, Yang was Hunt's wife. The man was bound to be overwhelmed. Still, Richard needed to know what was happening. And sooner or later, wife or no, Hunt would need to pull himself into some semblance of a leader to see this through. But maybe he just needed a minute. And someone to pull him back.

His face softened and Richard tilted his head to one side as pulled out the sliding chair closest to Hunt. Richard reached one hand to Owen's arm gave it a reassuring pat, finally drawing Owen out of his trance like state.

Hunt blinked slowly and words fell from his mouth in a breathless rush, "Webber? I-I...the plane...and I haven't taken my calls...and...oh God."

Richard schooled his features to remain calm, despite his desperation to learn more. "Chief," he began deliberately, emphasizing Hunt's position in the hopes that it would pull Hunt away from his fears. "What's the situation?"

Owen sighed and shook his head, "The FAA said that the plane lost contact with them sometime this morning...and they didn't make it to Boise. A search has been underway since this afternoon, but so far..."

"They haven't found them," Richard finished the other man's sentence.

"They haven't."

Taking a deep breath Richard thought about what that meant. It was very likely that their people were dead. A terrible prospect, but one he knew they might have to face. On the other hand, Richard wasn't quite ready to think the worst.

"They haven't found them," he parroted, flattening his hands on the cool surface of the conference room table.

"Yet," Richard corrected himself, and hoping that the confidence in his voice would somehow translate into something good for his missing poelpe. "They haven't found them  _yet_."

* * *

Alex couldn't really see straight on the drive back to the hospital. Alex was glad that Avery took the driver's seat in their little carpool. Because all he could do is dial Torres over an over. Just answer the freakin' phone already. He knew why she wasn't answering. Her expectation for the evening involved her wife, a bed and...whatever. Not an FAA search, or a missing plane.

Robbins was in his seat. She hated flying. But she'd ended up in his freakin' seat. He should be missing. He should be with his friends, wherever they were. With Meredith and Cristina. Robbins should be home with her wife and baby.

No one said anything much on the drive back to the hospital. Except Alex was pretty sure Kepner was talking to herself. He glanced back to her in the backseat and saw she had her hands clasped in her lap. She was mumbling. Crazy chick. He dialed Callie again and waited through the five rings it takes before he gets bumped to voicemail.

"Come on. Come on. Pick up," he whispered, desperately hoping that this time he'd be able to get through to Torres. When he heard her voice telling him to leave a message yet a again, he snapped. "Damn it!"

This isn't the kind of thing where you could just leave a message.

And April was still back there whispering away like a lunatic. He just couldn't take it. Not when Callie wasn't picking up her stupid phone.

"What the hell are you doing?" Alex demanded, making no effort to conceal the edge to his voice.

"Hey!" Jackson glared at him, jumping to Kepner's defense, just like he always did, in every hospital squabble, lunch time roasting or household debate over chores. As if April talking to herself wasn't something that bothered him. Then again, Alex figured, since Avery willingly spent a lot of time with Kepner, he must not be bothered by a lot of her crap. Whatever.

April jumped slightly, lifting her wide eyes to his in the rear view mirror. She stared at him a long time before setting her jaw and saying defiantly, "I'm praying. I'm praying for them."

"Oh."

Now Alex could probably add 'Jesus freak' to the long list of reasons why he thought Kepner was a pretty odd duck. Another day, another time, he would. Maybe, though considering the circumstances, praying might not be such a crazy response, even if you weren't a freak. Alex wouldn't go for it though. Usually. Except...right now...The plane was missing. The plane that carried basically the most important people in his life. It was missing. Missing. He didn't have that many people. Maybe April was on to something. Praying seemed like the thing to do. If you believed in that crap. Even if you didn't. It couldn't hurt.

_"Oh,"_  Alex repeated, chastened. He blinked numbly for a moment before turning around to look her in the eye. "Don't freakin' stop."

Kepner nodded earnestly and looked back down to her hands, beginning her soft mumbling anew. Alex sighed and frantically dialed Torres the whole rest of the way to the hospital. She never picked up.

By the time they made it to the hospital, the three young doctors found that Webber had actually beaten them there. The old dude had probably sped or something. He was already talking to Hunt behind the conference room door. Alex ran his hand down the back of his head and dialed Callie again, as he and Avery peered in through the conference room blinds while April scampered off to get Zola from the daycare.

Webber's head snapped up, spotting them in the hallway and he beckoned them into the room. Feeling his frustration and anger build, Alex didn't waste a second, and burst into the room, heading straight to Hunt, "Can you tell me what the hell is going on?"

Somehow, Owen looked older than Webber. The lines in his forehead seemed like they were chiseled, and his eyes seemed hollowed. Cristina is his wife. He had a lot to lose on the plane too. Still, Alex was mad enough at the situation that this realization did little to cool his emotions.

Hunt massaged his temples and looked up, "I don't know. I don't know. They never made it to Boise-"

"They didn't get there? They should have been there this morning! How long have you known about this? You just let us all go home? Without saying anything? I mean Torres-"

"I-I didn't find out until tonight...the FAA mounted a search this afternoon when they failed to arrive...they are still looking..."

"And we find out because what? No one picked Zola up? That's crap. You should have freakin' paged us! You should freakin' page Torres and Bailey 911! Right now! You should have-"

Webber raised his hand and interrupted, "Calm down Karev. No one is happy about this. We need to keep it together."

Whether or not the old guy still held the title of Chief of Surgery, Webber was still the center of things. The leader. His words grounded Alex somewhat and he took a few deep breaths before speaking again.

"Well what do we do now? There has to be something we can do."

Owen just put his head in his hands and shook his head. Webber pursed his lips and looked Alex in the eye, "We wait. That's all we can do. Let the FAA do their job, and hope for the best. Wait news."

Alex let out a frustrated sigh. He wanted to do something. He should have been on the damn plane. The least he could do would be to...what? Did he think he could just charge of in the general direction of east and find them? No one even really knew what the hell had even happened. Still, it made Alex feel power less.

He glared and crossed his arms, "This freaking sucks."

Webber nodded, "It does."

* * *

Everything felt surreal. One minute Owen had been firing Teddy. The next he had been doing paperwork. And the next...everything just fell apart. He'd listened to message after message from Boise, the airplane charter, and the FAA. The tinny sound of each voice, puncturing through his haze with a chilling efficiency. Something was wrong. The plane never arrive. It lost contact with the tower. A likely crash.

Cristina,  _his wife_ was likely in a plane that crashed. Crashed. She could be dead. They could all be dead. Owen still hadn't quite computed the whole thing. It felt like...like after an IED went off Iraq. Your ears rang, and your mind seemed to process things in slow motion. Your head hurt. Time stopped moving evenly,and it felt like someone had a vice grip around your heart. Owen had experience explosions before. That's exactly how he felt now.

Suddenly Webber was there, and then Karev and Avery. He relayed what he could, but Owen knew he wasn't exactly leading anything right in the moment. He was failing. Just like he had for everything lately. He was failing at being a chief, just like he'd failed at being a friend to Teddy. A mentor to April. A husband to Cristina. He'd failed at being a good an honorable man. He felt like he'd failed himself.

Owen ran a hand down his face and tried to figure out just where things in his life had gone so spectacularly wrong. He was dimly aware of Alex shoulding at him, and Jackson standing quietly in the background. He tried to explain. He hadn't known. It wasn't his fault. Not all of it. Because surely Owen checking his messages sooner wouldn't have made much of a difference. Right? At least, he needed to believe it wouldn't.

The Chief, the real chief, stepped in and calms Karev down. Owen held his head in his hands.

"Oh God," he murmured.

When he looks up, Kepner is there, carrying a sleepy looking Zola. When Owen looked up, he met her sad gaze. Her eyes quickly darted away from his. Owen sighed. He hadn't seen April since he told her he wasn't going to hire her next year. The hadn't spoken since. They didn't now.

Webber has well and fully taken charge, "No one can do much of anything until we know more about what's going on. I can stay here and help Dr. Hunt contact everyone's...next of kin. And Dr. Bailey. You folks can go."

Avery finally uncrossed his arms and spoke, "So you're saying what? We just go home?"

"Right now, that's all we can do. Until the FAA knows more..." Webber replied. "Take this little one home. Get some sleep. We'll probably need it."

"Screw that!" Karev said, turning to leave, stomping angrily toward the door. He paused and looked to April and Jackson, reaching a hand out to Zola's cheek, "You guys okay with her?"

They nodded. Owen wasn't sure where Karev was going. He could see it being self destructive. Binging on alcohol or something like that. It made sense. Alex had been slated to go on the plane to Boise until the very last minute. He probably felt guilt. Alex had proven to be self destructive in the past.

"What are you doing Alex?" Webber asked gently, seemingly on the same train of thought at Owen. He'd managed to articulate things first. Like a leader. Owen sighed and shook his head. He hated today.

Alex stopped short of the door, and spun back on his heal, "I'm gonna go tell Torres! Least I can do is make sure she finds out in person."

* * *

Callie stretched and slowly rolled out of her bed, realizing that she must have dozed off. She rubbed her eyes and tried to figure out what had woken her. Not a screaming Sofia, apparently. Probably just Arizona coming home from Boise. Rolling out of the bed, Callie looked down at her 'sexy' attire with chagrin.

Maybe she was being too optimistic about this evening. Hell, she  _knew_ she was being too optimistic about the whole thing. Not with Arizona's childhood friend Nick's prognosis, and the reminder of Timothy's loss, and finding out about Alex going off to Hopkins. Callie knew her wife wouldn't be in the mood. But maybe that was the point. Callie wanted to get Arizona's mind off of everything, if only for a minute. Because even with the sadness, Callie knew that things in their life were actually pretty good.

They'd come through a lot. It was worth recognizing.

A loud banging noise interrupted Callie's thoughts. That's what had woken her up. Arizona surely wouldn't knock on the door of their own home. Especially knowing Sofia was asleep inside. The pounding persisted. Callie hopped up from the bed quickly, hurrying to stop the noise before it woke up her sleeping child.

When she reached the door she peered through the peephole. Who the hell would be knocking at this time of night? She saw Alex Karev and angrily swung open the door, ready to give him an earful for potentially waking Sofia. He could have just called! Well, she'd been asleep but...

Callie's blood ran cold when she opened the door and saw the look on Karev's stricken face. He hung his head, and his brow was furrowed. Something was wrong.

"What happened?" she demanded immediately.

"You should sit down."

"The hell I will!"

"It'd be...better."

"Alex! You better tell me what's happening. Right now."

Karev's expression became pained, and he rubbed the back of his head. Finally he winced and began, "You know all that stuff you said about life turning on a dime? I think we just got our 10 cents."

* * *

"And on that farm there was a..." April yawned and shifted the fussy toddler in lap, struggling to think of another animal to add for what felt like the 100th verse of the song. She was sitting on the floor next to Zola's port-a-crib with her back leaning up against her bed. She could see that the digital clock on her night stand read 2:11 am. It was way too late for Zola to still be awake. She was being a terrible baby sitter. Not much of a surprise. April wasn't good at much of anything anymore.

"Uh, giraffe," she continued singing plaintively, catching sight of Zola's beloved stuffed toy. "E-i-E-i...oh."

The little girl was unimpressed and only continued to squirm and cry big hot tears. She struggled against April's grip and flailing and sobbing. At this point, April kind of felt like crying herself. Zola had slept for only a few hours after they'd brought her from the hospital to the apartment, and had woken up around midnight unhappy. Last night baby sitting her had been such a breeze.

"Well Zola," April whispered. "We never had any giraffe's on our farm, to be perfectly honest..."  **  
**

Then again, April realized that Zola's discomfort was partially her own fault. The baby's routine was messed up. Another example of her spectacularly poor decision making skills. Yesterday, she'd spent the night at Meredith and Derek's, and Zola had slept in her own crib. But tonight...April had gone to the house to pick up a few supplies, and the place had just seemed creepy. April just couldn't bring herself sleep there again, even if it was probably a good idea to maintain Zola's normalcy. It reminded her too much of the way her old apartment had felt after Reed died. It was too empty with no one home. Erie because they really had no idea what had happened to Derek, Meredith, Lexie and the rest of them.

This situation with the plane was just another item on a long list of bad things that happened to people connected to Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. April didn't understand why things were this way. Shootings, car crashes, and all. She couldn't understand much of anything these days. Least of all herself. April didn't know who she was anymore. She wasn't sure she'd ever really known.

She'd thought she'd had it figured out after boards. About God, and how everything should be. Sure, April had lapsed in her church attendance after med school, but she thought she remembered enough from her childhood. Though, she'd spent a lot of Sunday's with her little Webster's _Child's Guide to Anatomy_  carefully tucked in her bible's book cover, she'd thought she learned enough from listening. It was all like a balanced math equation. You sinned, and God punished you. You learned to be better.

It had made a sort of stinging sense. April's life had been falling apart because of her own sins. She was the one who had stopped going to church. It'd been partly a rebellion thing, going against 18 years of going with her family. And once April had left Moline, it became clear that religiosity could be a liability in her line of work. She already had a hard enough time making friends. Life in the big city away from home had been exceptionally difficult. Her relationship with Jesus seemed just like yet another trait on a long list of reasons people wouldn't like her. Right up there with annoying voice, rule abiding, and passive aggression. So April had let it all fall by the wayside. And it had been easy. She had wanted to be liked, so she'd strived to become a likable person. To become what she hoped people would like.

April had figured her next mistake was that she'd felt pride. For being smart. Finishing college. Medical school. For becoming a doctor. For making chief resident. For getting out of freaking Moline. It made her feel better about herself. Better than her sisters. Superior. She'd carried it all in the three ringed binder that was her resume. A lot of good that had done her.

And then April's worst sin had been her lust. She'd lost control and acted on her long held crush on her best friend. The one truest closest person she had in her life. And she'd ruined everything because she'd wanted to know what it felt like. To be the kind of girl Jackson wanted. The kind of woman he kissed. The kind he touched. The type of person who let herself be touched.

But April knew that Jackson would never really see her that way. And her actions had compromised their friendship. And on the off chance that April ever was lucky enough to get married, it had ruined her purity. The whole thing had been selfish. Because, even now, she couldn't say that she fully regretted losing her virginity. To Jackson. It had felt so good. She was selfish. Then again, that shouldn't have surprised her. When April had looked down the barrel of a gun, she'd chosen to plead for own her life rather, than pray. And then she'd run away from an injured man. Now she'd screwed up her friendship, and her purity, just because she wanted to be someone else.

Selfish.

It'd all made sense. Her three sins were terrible. God had every reason to take her down a few pegs. To make her life fall apart. She'd failed and lost her job offers. Her Jackson was off to New Orleans. She'd messed up, and Jesus was showing her the error of her ways. It sucked, but it had made sense. April was the common aspect in everything that had gone wrong.  _She_  was the problem. She'd always been the problem. Rather, the person she tried hard to be was the problem. So she'd made the decision to stop hiding herself. To stop trying to fit the mold. Even if no one but God liked her, at least she'd have that, right?

"It's okay, pretty girl. It's okay to sleep," April made quiet murmuring noises, and lifted Zola to her shoulder, rubbing the child's back soothingly. The little girl finally seemed worn out enough to settle down.

The state of her life had made some sense, until now. Until the plane went missing. Nothing like plane crash to put your own issues in perspective. Now, April wasn't sure she understood God, Jesus, or the sin equation anymore. If she ever did. Maybe that's the problem.  _Why_  she kept messing up. She'd always been drawn to science. She'd probably never  _really_  understood, but had always believed. She wished she had paid more attention in Sunday School.

Zola finally seemed to be dozing off, her warm breath tickling April's neck, "It's okay. I've got you."

How could God do something like this to Zola? She was only a year or so old. She'd been an orphan in Malawi, and now both her parents, her aunt, and her godmother were missing somewhere on a plane. Potentially dead. What sins could possibly warrant little Zola losing two families in the short time span of her life? And Sofia? A child lucky enough to survive being born way too early, who was also fortunate to enough to have the love of three parents. Why would God take two of them away? What could either baby have ever done to deserve this? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was all a crap shoot. Utterly random.

And what did that say about April's own mess? If God wasn't punishing her for her sins, then there was no grand plan for her. No lesson to be learned. It meant that she really was well and truly lost. It was a notion April found both terrifying and liberating. And yet a part of her still believed that her prayers might help her friends. It was a paradox.

April was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard her bedroom door open, and Jackson quietly made his way to her side, sitting down with his back against her bed. Both her body and mind were acutely aware of his proximity to her, as they sat next to one and other. She could feel his body heat, especially where his leg was next to hers.

"I-I'm sorry we woke you," April stammered, keeping her voice soft so as not to wake the little girl sprawled awkwardly in her arms.

"You and Zola aren't what's keeping me up," Jackson sighed, leaning his head back against the bed. He didn't need to say it. April could guess. He'd probably had a nightmare. He had them after the shooting.

April gulped and furiously worked to keep her gaze fixed forward, denying herself the opportunity to admire Jackson as he sat next to her clad in only a ragged pair of sweat pants. That was the thing now. A problem she'd made for herself. Now, April didn't have to just imagine what Jackson looked like; she knew exactly what he looked like. She knew what he was like. And there was no way she could unsee him. Unfeel him. She didn't want to. But Jackson was leaving. And April was going to be devastated. There was no point in indulging in fantasy and memory. It would only make things harder. And more painful.

"Don't look so grim," Jackson continued quietly, unaware of her internal struggle. He reached out one hand and began tracing small circles on the edge of her knee, sending chills across her body and making her cheeks flush with embarrassment. She held Zola a little closer. On the other side of the coin, Jackson now knew exactly what she looked like. What she was like. Only he wasn't fantasizing about it. Or remembering it. She wasn't someone people did that over. Jackson only felt guilty. And that was April's fault. She knew. The whole thing was her fault.

"Right now, they are only missing. We...we don't know for sure the plane crashed. Maybe it's all just a big mistake. Misunderstanding," Jackson said unconvincingly. He was trying to make himself be positive.

April pursed her lips and gave him a look. Yeah, sure. Maybe the plane had just flown the wrong direction. That happens all the time.

"You really don't believe that, do you?"

Seeing the sharp glint in her eye Jackson smiled and blinked teasing, "What happened to your optimism?"

"It failed it's boards," April snapped in reply. She hadn't meant to. She felt sick when she saw Jackson's face fall. She already hated that he felt bad. And now she'd made him feel worse. Awesome.

He swallowed, tilting his head to one side, and beginning to speak in a rush, "I should have stayed with you. I know you said you wanted me to leave, but it would have been better if I-"

Jackson was really going there. Talking about the elephant in the room that they'd basically just skirted over as a topic since returning from San Francisco.

"You don't know that," April cut him off. "And I did tell you to go. You were just listening to me."

"Okay. Well, then I shouldn't have turned around. In that bathroom, I should have just-"

"Jackson..."

"You never said anything! Anything about your religion. Not even to me? Why couldn't you have just-"

"We're not going to talk about this now!" she interrupted in a whisper harsh enough to made Zola stir slightly. So not the time or the place. Not that there would ever be a good time or place, but while waiting for news of your friends missing plane and caring for their potentially orphaned daughter was  _definitely_  not the way to go. April rocked a little from side to side and flicked her eyes from Jackson to Zola, hoping to bring home the point.

Jackson sighed and moved his hand from her knee to Zola's back, "You're right. Now is not the time."

He scooted closer to April, making her gasp as he slid one arm behind her back and pressed his body close. He scooped Zola's legs onto his lap, so that the slumbering girl was stretched out more comfortably between them.

"We should try to get some sleep. Zola's got it right," Jackson squeezed April's shoulder slightly and she let her head rest on his shoulder. It felt safe. Warm. Loving. She sighed.  _If only_. She closed her eyes, and felt him lower his head to hers. They both began to relax, slowly surrendering to sleep.

"But we do need to talk, April. Even if you don't want to."


	2. Chapter 2

_Ignorance is bliss. That's what they say. Not knowing is_ _sometimes_ _better than knowing. It's a double edged sword. When you don't know all the facts, your mind has room to run in both directions. You can imagine that the very worst has happened. Or, your imagination can give you a reason to hope. Maybe things aren't that bad. Both mind sets are results of not knowing. When you know the truth, it's final. The magic of possibility is gone. And sometimes so is hope._

At the sound of a ring from her phone, Miranda rolled over and groaned as the morning sunlight shone in her eyes. Next to her Ben reached an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She let herself relax into his embrace. It was her day off, and she was  _not_  going to get up until she was good and ready.

Not today. Nope.

Last night, Miranda and Ben had made a huge decision about their future, and today was a free day, and Tuck was with his father. Today, they were celebrating. So no amount of buzzing from her beeper, chirps from her cell phone, text message alerts, and God knows what else, was going to get her out of this bed at this hour. Nope.

Something beeped again, and Ben groaned and mumbled, "Is that yours or mine?"

"De-I do not know. I do not care," she said firmly, turning over. "It is my day off and I am taking the day off. Hospital can live a day without us."

"Ah," Ben replied squinting at the two phones and pagers that sat on the nightstand next to the bed. "Okay. It's your pager by the way...and your phone."

"Ben, what did I say about it being my day off?"

Miranda sniffed and closed her eyes again, hoping to catch her last bits of drowsiness, willing herself to fall asleep again. Ben remained stretched over to the table.

"Miranda," he said slowly.

"I don't want to hear it-"

"Miranda," Ben said again, more urgently. "You've got 56 pages. 911. From Dr. Webber."

Her the inflection of her voice rose in shock, "What?"

Ben carefully handed her the small device. Miranda rubbed her eyes and squinted at the screen. Well, damn. There it was. 56 emergency pages. Webber knew it was her day off though. All her patients were stable. And she wasn't on call.

"All from Dr. Webber..."

Her fiance nodded and shifted to look at her phone, "You have a 100 missed calls. Some from Webber; a few from Hunt. Even Dr. Karev. Must be something important."

"Must be..."

Suddenly, Miranda was fully awake. She sat up and grabbed the phone from Ben. Her body ran cold. Something was wrong. She didn't know what it was, but something told her she wouldn't like it. She needed to get in touch with Dr. Webber. She needed to get to the hospital.

Quickly.

* * *

It was cold.

So freaking cold. She was a damn Popsicle in the woods. They should have kept the stupid fire going. Somehow. If girl scouts could do it, why the hell would surgeons fail?

It was cold.

That was all Cristina knew as she drifted in and out of sleep. Well, that and the fact that her shoulder hurt. She was now beginning to suspect a torn rotater cuff rather than a simple dislocation. Those usually dropped in pain level after they were set, but Cristina's arm still throbbed and had shooting pains if she moved it in particular ways.

But damned if that mattered, because Cristina was in the middle of the freaking woods. So damn cold that the joints in her fingers cracked whenever she moved them. It sucked. The plane crashed. Lexie was dead. And it all sucked. Everything. Seattle Grace Mercy Death. The most cursed hospital and staff there ever was. She should have had the sense to leave sooner.

And Cristina was terrified that she wasn't going to make it out of this. Maybe none of them were. Perhaps their luck had run out. She hadn't heard much from anyone recently. Not Mark or Arizona. Derek or the pilot. And she was too damn cold to check. She only knew Mer was still alive because she could hear her ragged breaths. Other than that, the woods were damn quiet.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Cristina figured that a bird or something would start chirping even since the pale light of early dawn had begun to creep through the trees around here. But no. Even stupid nature had decided to say "Screw you guys!"

She shifted closer to Meredith and let her eyes droop again. She thought about Owen. Surely he'd come find them. He'd send people; the best he could find. She believed that. She'd have believed that. Before...everything. The abortion. The resentment. The cheating. The crash. She wanted to believe it now. They'd both made mistakes. She wanted to believe she'd live to fix them. She wished she'd told him she loved him more.

But Cristina was a realist. She made observations and made diagnoses based on tangible evidence. And all the evidence around her told her that this was probably it. Her mind drifted inexplicably to her father. There'd been a moment with him. Trapped in the car. When he'd accepted it. When her father had understood that he was dying. She'd seen it in his eyes.

And this right now? This was her freaking moment.

Except...

Cristina was roused from her musings somewhat by the sounds of rustling. And more rustling. Possibly dogs barking. Or a chopper? And voices? Her dazed mind slowly began to comprehend. Could it be?

"Helllooo?" A strange voice echoed through the chilly silent woods. "I'm Ranger Toby. Anyone out there?"

Struggling to make her cold and aching body cooperate, Cristina tried to call out a response, but only a hoarse whisper came out.

Come on! Come on. She swallowed hard and tried again, this time with better results, "Here! We're over here! Our plane crashed! Help!"

The rustling shifted and the voice called out again, "Keep making noise Ma'am, we're closing in on your position."

"Good! That's...good," Cristina sighed. She continued to shout, giving the rangers a basic run down of everyone's injuries as best she could.

Soon in the dim morning light she could see them. A huge team of rescuers, with dogs and radios and blankets! They seemed to appear out of nowhere, emerging from the foggy trees.

She felt suddenly giddy. Cristina grinned and nudged Meredith, "Wake up! We're saved. They're here."

Her friend didn't reply so she shook her harder, "We're saved!"

The grin fell from Cristina's face when she pushed Meredith to one side and her friend only flopped over.

No. No! Their saviors were right freakin' here. It wasn't supposed to go down like this. End like this. Not with Meredith thinking she wasn't...Cristina's person because...she still was. For better or for worse. Even if Owen was sort of her person too. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. Not like this.

"Mer?" Cristina's voice became frantic. "Mer!"

* * *

Jackson took a deep breath and opened his eyes, slowly blinking. He yawned and stretched. It was early. Jackson was stiff. Very stiff. That's what you get for spending the night on the floor leaning against your best friend's bed. Not that he'd have had a better night sleeping in his own room. At least with April's warm body pressed against his side, Jackson hadn't had any nightmares.

As he came more fully awake, he was amused to realize that a tiny foot was resting on his shoulder. It made him smirk. Both April and Zola still slept on slumped next to him. Or in Zola's case, half sprawled on Jackson and half on April. She looked comfortable at least. And peaceful. His expression became more somber as he carefully lowered her leg to his lap. Given everything that was going on, he figured that she deserved as much peace and comfort as she could get. Because it probably wasn't going to last.

Glancing to his left, Jackson took a moment to watch April as she slept. In the morning sunlight, the her red hair was just that much more beautiful and the angles of her face, especially her cheeks, were that much more pronounced. For the moment she appeared to be at peace too, breathing deeply and for the first time in days, seeming to be totally relaxed. As she slept on, Jackson indulged himself and carefully pushed her hair behind her ear. He wondered if this is what it would have felt like. If he had stayed the night after the sex in San Diego. Jackson thought it would have been nice. Waking up next to her. Maybe it would have been better. For him, and for her.

And waking up next to April now, to April and a sleeping child? It was enough to set his confusion on a new course. Because Jackson realized he could get used to this. He realized he might want to.

It wasn't like he hadn't noticed that April was pretty before. Jackson had always thought so. He remembered thinking that on their first day back at Mercy West. He'd been joking around with Charles, watching the rest of the interns show up for their orientation. And Reed had come in, and Jessica Foster, Grady, and a few others. And April of course, looking timid and terrified, with her head bent over her tiny ass note book and her pen at the ready. Grady had joked about already picking out the hotties and the mice. Charles and Jackson had half heartedly joined in the game, with Percy immediately revealing his preference for Adamson.

Then Grady had rolled his eyes and inclined his eyes toward April, whispering, "Well, I think we can safely say we know who the mousiest of the mice is..."

"Nah," Jackson had shook his head, watching as April peered out at the rest of the group from her place at the back of the room. He thought she was hiding. Scared probably. Years of listening to his mother's musings on hospital hierarchy, made Jackson guess, correctly, that she was probably a first generation med school grad. Someone who didn't come from money either. Someone who had to work to get this spot. Hard to get to where she was. That's why she was quiet. Seemed scared. Because people like April were afraid that one mistake could take all they'd earned away. And she was surrounded by some cocky and ungrateful people. Mercy West had had their fair share.

That's why she seemed timid. Hiding behind her flat hair and over-sized watch. But Jackson could see that behind the hair and the submissive posture, April was beautiful. She just didn't seem to know it at the time.

"She's a flower," Jackson continued, shrugging. "She hasn't bloomed yet."

Grady had snorted and exchanged a glance with Charles, "Mini Mouse doesn't seem like pretty boy's type."

Dude had always been an ass. He hadn't lasted after the merger. And Charles and Reed had died.

"She's not," Jackson had replied. And at the time that had been true. He'd gone for the gorgeous, badass, over the top types. And he'd never had a problem finding them, or getting them to go out with him or to warm his bed. It was all Jackson had wanted at the time. Relationships, commitment, and all that jazz messed with your game. And even before he knew she was a virgin, Jackson had known she wasn't the type to sleep around. Beautiful or not, he'd never considered April in that way.

Jackson had tried to take her under his wing a little bit. To help her toughen up, and to stop everyone from being too horrible to her. Because it had taken only 3 days of interning with her to know that whatever foibles and annoying traits she had, April was a good person. Genuinely good. Caring, compassionate, modest. So, he acted like a buddy. A teasing, protecting, advice giving buddy. And that had been fine.

And then the shooting had happened...and April became all Jackson had left of his friendships at Mercy West. They'd both lost their best friends. No one else understood that. So, his friendship with her had deepened. She became his rock; his support. The one person he could go to and be himself, and not  _that_ Jackson Avery. Or that  _hot_  guy. Or that  _lame_  surgeon. April treated him like he was just Jackson. She became his best friend. At least he'd thought it was friendship. Before... but now?

It was just  _now_  he felt had woken up deep inside of him. Jackson had seen a part of April that no one else ever had. Touched a part of her that no one else had. Ever. And he felt that was awesome. He couldn't stop thinking about it. Which was quite the thing really, because it wasn't, technically speaking, the best sex he'd ever had.

Well, it was and it wasn't.

If you were being objective, and just looking at the physical act. Acts. Jackson would be lying to himself if he said it was his best. Both the hotel room and the bathroom had had their awkward moments, fumbles, pauses, and redirects. Physically, April was still learning. And Jackson knew that he should have stopped. Prevented things. Nipped it all in the bud. But he hadn't. And it on the physical side of things, it certainly hadn't been bad. Not at all. It was better than Jackson had suspected, all things considered. Much. Which was why he knew he would never really oppose doing it again. Even though he knew he probably should.

And emotionally? Jackson had never felt anything like it. The emotional satisfaction he had through sleeping with April was the reason he couldn't get the memories out of his mind. The reason he couldn't stop fantasizing. Because he'd known the whole time that it was really good for April. He knew how, and he cared, so he'd made sure. He wasn't some idiot she'd gone home from a bar with, some pervy old attending, or some asshole like Karev. Her first time had felt good for her. She'd laughed. Which had made his heart soar. She'd felt great things. Before it had all gotten awkward.

That was the emotional payoff. Knowing that April enjoyed herself made Jackson feel really  _really_ good _._ That was the reason his night with April (and the day after) could be counted as the best. The reason he couldn't stop thinking about it. About her.

Even though April had taken him completely by surprise, and made him wonder if he really knew her at all. With the Jesus stuff. Not that he thought it was completely out of character for her. She'd always had morals. And people teased her about lots of things. He could see her wanting to hide her beliefs. Jackson just felt bad that she'd never trusted him enough to tell him about it. He still didn't know how he felt about April's religion actually. He wished he knew more.

And then April had failed. And all lost her job offers. And he felt bad. It was his fault. She'd had way too much going on professionally to deal with losing her virginity. Especially because of the God thing, even if he hadn't known about it to begin with. It was too much stress and change for her to deal with. And as her friend, best friend, he should have anticipated that. She'd been a mess that day.

Only, that evening, April had been so...she'd punched a guy! Grown a backbone. Stood up for herself, in her own clumsy way. Kissed Jackson with confidence. She'd bloomed. For a moment anyway. Even if the religion thing made her feel bad, the rest had been awesome to see.

Jackson was worried because he didn't feel douchier about the whole thing. Even after everything that had happened, he couldn't bring himself to regret taking April's virginity. He wasn't a gross guy. Maybe Jackson hadn't seen her in a romantic way before, but he definitely thought he could now. He did. Jackson already loved April in a way, and he didn't think it would take much to push it further.

And that was why he felt confused. Sick about leaving her and going to Tulane. Because Jackson had no idea whether April would ever possibly consider exploring something like that with him. They needed to talk. She'd never really shown that kind of interest in him before. Even though she'd initiated the sex. Maybe he was just a convenient penis. A way for her to finally just get it over with. The thought made him wince, sadly.

Damn it.

He knew April felt guilty. And she didn't want to talk. Then there was this plane crap to worry about. Not exactly the right time to say something. Besides, Jackson didn't really know what to say. He only knew they needed to talk, in order to move forward. Either way, to save their friendship or to start something new. He refused to lose April over all this. He'd rather be her friend if he couldn't have anything more. He'd settle for that.

Jackson glanced down and realized that a pair of inquisitive brown eyes were staring up at him. Zola was awake. She frowned and stretched her body experimentally, looking around the room.

"Ma?" she said, chewing on the ear of her stuffed giraffe, apparently wide awake. "Dada?"

Jackson groaned and shook his head saying quietly, "Not yet, Zola-face. I'm sorry."

Her lower lip quivered and tears filled her little eyes. Poor little kid. She had no way of understanding anything that was going on. Even less than the rest of them. From her perspective her mommy and daddy had left her at home to go to work, and never came back. And if the plane really had crashed, as Jackson knew deep down it had, then it was highly possible that that was true. They might never come back.

Shifting to look down at her, Jackson spoke comfortingly, rocking from side to side, "It's hard to be with strange people, huh? We used to live with you...remember? That makes it a little better, I guess. Still sucks."

April snorted, and suddenly jerked awake, shaking her head and muttering, "Baby's awake!"

Unable to stop himself from touching her, Jackson ran one hand down her arm, "Hey, easy...you had baby duty yesterday morning. It's like-"

He squinted at the clock on her nightstand. It was early. "6:16 am. Sleep a little more. I got Zola. I can handle getting her some cheerios for breakfast."

April squinted at Jackson suspiciously and rubbed her neck. "It's my responsibility. I told Meredith-"

"Let me help, okay? Gives me something to do..." he replied pulling Zola into his lap. That much was true. Caring for Zola and April would keep his mind of Sloan and the rest. She still looked skeptical.

"Believe me," he added, teasing. "The minute she needs a diaper change or something nasty like that, she's all yours!"

That made April laugh. One of her true, honest, goofy belly laughs. He hadn't heard her laugh like that in a while. It made Jackson smile. It felt like the first time in ages that things weren't strained between them. Or off. It was nice, even if the circumstances weren't great.

"You know she probably needs one now..." April said quietly, leaning away from his shoulder and giving him what he swore was coy look.

"Well, then I can call the hospital and check for news, while you deal with that. And I'll get cheerios figured out for all of us. Let me help you April," Jackson pleaded. He needed to do that at least.

She bit her lip and looked him in the eye, considering his offer. Finally, April nodded and answered, "Okay."

* * *

Owen's stomach fell to the deepest depths of the earth as he listened to a man on the other end of a phone update him on the missing plane. They'd found them. Hunt supposed he should be glad for that. The news wasn't that everyone was dead.

"Two dead. Five injured."

That's what the man was saying. That was all that the FAA knew at this point. They coordinated with park rangers and found the crash site on foot. They couldn't tell him who was alive and who wasn't. There was a 2 in 7 chance that his wife was dead. Owen was trying to get the guy to tell him more.

"What hospital are you taking the...survivors to?"

"At this point we are still dealing with a triage situation in the woods," the voice on the other line continued. "We are being extra careful bringing helicopters up there. Don't want another crash situation. It's likely that they'll be transported to Boise Memorial. That's closer."

Closer, but inferior in terms of quality. That was why his people had been headed to Idaho in the first place. Boise didn't have the caliber of surgeons that Seattle Grace did. But Owen was too tired and too shocked to argue the point. And he was a trauma surgeon. If two of them had died, the rest were probably in no condition to be moved very far anyway. Not even for better care. If the search and rescue team could get them stable enough to move, the shorter journey would probably be the safest. Unless they were really bad, and it was deemed worth the risk to send them somewhere better.

"Stand by Chief Hunt; I'm getting word on the names of the deceased."

Owen ran a hand through his messy hair and fought back tears. He'd spent the night at the hospital. Not sleeping for the most part. He'd managed to get an hour or so curled up in an on-call room before this phone call had pulled him back to everything.

"Dr. Hunt?"

" _Yes?_ "

"We're actually airlifting the survivors to Spokane. St. John's. They're pretty bad."

Owen could only barely allow himself to feel relief. That was a better hospital. But he had to know. Who didn't make it? Who was dead?

"Samson. Jerry Samson."

"I don't know that name..." Owen said in a rush. Must be the pilot. He felt sick but irrationally happy because that meant only one of his surgeons had died. Terrible.

"And Grey."

His stomach lurched and his mind raced. Owen continued frantically, both desperate and reluctant to hear the answer, "Grey? Which Grey?"

"Uh," the man faltered. "Um..."

Come on. Come on! Either way, it was devastating. Lexie was so young, so smart. Full of promise. And Meredith? She was Cristina's best friend. And whether she liked him very much, Owen knew she played a key role in the hospital. Losing either Grey was unacceptable, even if it had already happened.

"Lexie. Lexie Grey. They were both dead by the time our team found the crash site, sir. I'm sorry."

Owen closed his eyes, and couldn't help but let a tear fall now. He was unable to reply, but the FAA man continued, apparently having more to say.

"We've got a Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey and...Arizona Robbins listed as critical. Derek Shepherd and Cristina Yang are in serious condition."

He sank down to the on-call bed, numb with relief. Cristina was alive. His wife was alive for now. He felt guilty, because Lexie wasn't alive. He had no right to feel as oddlyhappy as he did.

"Hello? Hello?"

Owen gulped, and tried to pull himself together. He had to do this. Hunt couldn't let himself fall apart in grief or joy or any of it. No matter how much he wanted to. he'd failed last night. Now, he had to lead. At least, Owen knew he had to try.

"Uh, thank you...I will relay this information to my people. Thank you for all you have done, and keep me posted on their situation."

* * *

It was 7 freakin' am before Alex finally slunk through the apartment door, with a stiff neck and wrinkled clothes. He'd stayed with Torres all night, and neither of them had gotten much sleep. They'd spent most of the night trying to get through to the FAA, but the bastard's wouldn't tell them anything. Or rather, they hadn't had any information to share. It sucked.

The only thing that hadn't totally sucked about the whole thing was the fact that Callie didn't seem to be mad at Alex. He thought she probably should be, considering that Robbins had taken his freakin' seat on the plane. It was his fault for her even being out there. But only moments after Alex had explained what was going on, Torres had leaned close to him and squeezed his shoulder.

"This isn't your fault," she'd said. And Alex could almost believe her. He wanted to.

And then Callie had just gotten fed up so she'd gotten ready and gotten Sofia ready and just headed to the hospital. She figured she'd find out what was going on faster if she was there. Alex was going to join her too. He just needed a shower and a clean pair of pants and whatever. And he figured he owed it to Mer to check up on Zola, even if he knew Kepner and Avery could do a solid enough babysitting job. So he'd run home.

As he moved through the quiet apartment, Alex heard the shower running in the back and a babbling baby in the kitchen. He could eat, so he headed in, expecting to find that Avery was in the shower, and April was getting breakfast set for Zola. He never expected to find Jackson, standing behind Zola's booster chair with a comb in his teeth and two sections of the little girl's hair in his hands. Alex sniffed as he heard the shower turn of, and April begin to rummage around in her room.

It was all strangely domestic. Avery dealing with a kid, and Kepner upstairs. Made him almost feel like a freaking third wheel. As if.

"Dude!" Alex said skeptically as he made his way to the refrigerator. "What's with the Avery barbershop?"

Zola looked up at him, grinned, and stick another cheerio into her mouth. Jackson only rolled his eyes and took the comb out of his mouth, continuing his work, "Leave it alone man. I'm an Avery...we know these things. I can do her hair better than April."

He paused and then added,"Don't tell her I said that."

"You want to claim that as an accomplishment, it's fine by me. Whatever, I won't blab about it."

"You heard any news?"

Alex shook his head and pulled an apple from the lowest drawer of the fridge, biting into it loudly as he replied, "Nada. And Torres and I spent most of the night calling the FAA and the asses didn't have anything to tell us."

"Damn it," Jackson's face fell slightly. Alex understood the feeling. It was torture not to know what was going on. At this point he thought it'd be better to know, even if it was the worst. It would be better to know if they had all died, instead of wondering about it.

Swallowing quickly and trying to change the subject, Alex asked, "Things go okay with you guys here?"

His roommate nodded, carefully trying a little bow on the end of one meticulously crafted braid, "Yeah...Zola was a little fussy and I think she's really just tolerating us, but who can blame her?"

"Right..." Alex looked at his feet, thinking of both Zola and Sofia. This was a crap deal for both little girls. He cared about both of them, and he hated that hospital bad luck and crap had to mess up their lives.

"But April got things under control. Everyone slept a bit..." Avery continued.

Alex squinted a little bit and took another bite of his apple, contemplating the way that Jackson spoke about their female roommate. Something had been off between them lately, and he'd had neither the time nor the energy to figure it out. He'd been dealing with his own Hopkins stuff. Probably the weirdness was just because Avery would be off to Tulane or whatever. And Kepner...didn't really have anywhere to go. They were close, so it had to be hard.

"Cool."

A newly dressed April strode into the kitchen with damp hair and immediately turned to Alex, asking urgently, "Have  _you_ heard anything?" _  
_

"No one knows freaking anything," Alex said through another mouthful of apple. "Hunt's a mess. Torres is a mess. Webber's getting pissed off. I don't even-"

Just then, as though the universe knew exactly what they were talking about, all three of their pagers loudly went off at once. The unexpected noise startled Zola and made her cry, so Kepner rushed forward and lifted the girl out of her chair, cuddling her close. Avery scrambled for his pager, as Alex whipped his out of his pocket, grabbing his first.

"It's Hunt!" he said, staring at the other two with wide eyes. "Says get to the hospital right away. Conference room."

April let out a small noise and Jackson's shoulders sank a little. Alex could see the apprehension on their faces. A meeting in the conference room probably meant that Hunt had news to share. News that was bad enough he couldn't do it over a phone call. As Alex had said, this wasn't a situation where phone calls couldn't cut it really.

Alex was overcome by an enormous sense of dread. Any news wasn't going to be good news. There was just no freakin' way.

* * *

April sat at the farthest end of the conference room table, between Jackson and the old Chief, and stared at her hands. She felt mildly out of place. Everyone here had deep, deep connections to the people on the plane. Connections they knew that Lexie, Derek, Meredith, Cristina, Mark and Arizona reciprocated. And while April very much considered these people friends, and cared for them more than they knew, she was never really sure if any of them actually saw her as more than an annoying nuisance. Or a handy cook. Or a babysitter. April couldn't be sure they would all want her here. Whether they'd want her to be one of the first to find out what had happened to them.

They'd dropped everything and rushed here, pausing only to drop Zola off upstairs in daycare. Alex had been sulky and angry, while Jackson had tried to hide his feelings in front of April and Zola. She knew he was freaking out a lot though. She could tell from the way he drove the car, how he set his jaw and the way his hands gripped the steering wheel. Jackson was really close to Mark Sloan. And, April knew he cared deeply for Lexie, even if he'd broken up with her. Even if he wasn't in love with her.

It was stupid to think of this, especially right now, she knew, but a small part of her was jealous that Jackson might love Lexie. Another part of her was jealous wondering whether any of the people missing or those gathered here would give even half a damn if something bad was happening to her. Something as bad as this that is. She wasn't sure they would. They never really noticed when other things went bad for her. They probably wouldn't really care if she died. Except Jackson. He would care. She was his last friend from Mercy West.

April shook her shoulders slightly, berating herself. There it was again. Her selfishness at it's best. She really should be better. No wonder the rest of them didn't care. She was too selfish to bother with. She was selfish and petty and annoying, and she didn't blame them for not liking her. April had tried liking herself, and in light of her behavior in San Francisco, she was beginning to fear that she still wasn't very likable at all. Or maybe she was just being hard on herself. This was a stressful time after all.

Now, April could only brace herself and wait anxiously, along with everyone else in the room, for Hunt to come in and tell them what was going on. Callie, and Bailey both had taken places at the front of the conference room, while herself Jackson and Webber ended up toward the back. Alex paced aimlessly around the room, getting more and more agitated and angry the longer they waited. April wished there was something she could do to comfort all of them. She wanted nothing more than to take away their fear. To erase the worried lines on their foreheads, and relax the tension they all displayed. Or course the only way to do that would be to erase the past, oh 48 hours or so and April knew that was impossible. No matter how much she prayed to the God she wasn't sure was listening. A God she wasn't even sure was there anymore.

And yet...she was still silently praying. Please, please,  _please_.

Suddenly the doors opened, and in strode an ashen looking Chief Hunt. April immediately dreaded what he was going to say, and felt for him. She knew he was going to tell them something awful, and at this moment his position wasn't enviable at all. But here he was, plowing forward. Soldiering on. April knew she'd failed Owen as a pupil, miserably, not passing boards and everything, but she really trying to take his advice on board. Be a soldier. It had kept her going and grounded through all of this. They would both need it now.

"I have been in touch with the FAA," Owen began slowly, burying his hands in his pockets. The whole room seemed to take a collective gasp and Chief Hunt continued. "They have located the crash site, and...they are airlifting the survivors to St. John's in Spokane."

The room was so silent, the April was sure they could hear their own heart's racing if they listened hard enough.

Owen winced and continued haltingly, "I don't know much about everyone's specific injuries, but I have confirmation that Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey and Arizona Robbins are in stable but critical condition."

Callie let out a strangled sob and Bailey bit her lip, clutching the orthopedic surgeon's hands tightly. Alex seemed to deflate and he closed his eyes.

"Cristina Yang and Derek Shepherd are also stable, and they are reported to be in serious condition..."

Owen paused, gulping and looking around the table, as though he was allowing that part of his news sink in. Before he got to the rest. April felt that the relief, if you could call finding out your friends were gravely injured a relief, they were feeling was definitely going to be short lived. Hunt had said 'survivors', which invariably meant that there was a non-survivor. Someone hadn't made it. And you didn't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out who.

"And Little Grey?" Bailey asked urgently and tearfully, obviously still clinging to the last shred of hope. The hope that came from not actually hearing the words. The hope that came from Owen's omission in his condition report. Bailey needed to hear it said out loud. April thought that maybe they all did. Hunt swallowed and looked sadly at everyone's faces. She was starting to feel sick.

"What about Little Grey, Chief?" Webber prompted, the crack in his voice revealing that he knew full well what the answer would be.

April bit her lip and held back a wave of tears. Jackson stared blankly at the table.

"The pilot, and..." Hunt's voice wavered. "Lexie...they...they didn't make it."

The room collectively shuddered and most began to cry. Alex cursed loudly and sat down next to Callie wrapping an arm around her shoulder. Bailey was crying freely, jaw set and shaking her head. Webber had his hand over his mouth. April resisted her own urge to break down completely and turned immediately to Jackson. However she was feeling, and she was feeling pretty horrible, April was sure that he was feeling worse. Sloan was his mentor. Lexie his ex-girlfriend. They were closer to him. Whatever had happened between them, Jackson needed April to be the strong one in this. She had to be the person he leaned on.

She tentatively placed a hand on his back and Jackson leaned over to her shoulder, suddenly shaking.

"Jackson, I'm...I don't even...I can't-"April didn't know what to say. She decided there really wasn't anything she could say. Instead she pulled him close and let him be.

"Oh my God. Oh," Jackson whispered in horror. "My god."

God.

God?

It was so staggeringly unbelievable to April in this moment that God could allow something like this to happen. It had been bad enough reconciling the shooting and the loses of Reed and Charles two years ago. Now April didn't know what she believed. Lexie was a good person. She'd tried. They might not have always seen eye to eye, but April knew that. She worked hard. She was younger than April. And her life was over. Just like that. She was gone.

It just wasn't fair. April knew it wasn't really her place to judge, but she felt certain that Lexie didn't deserve death. In a world where God existed, how could this happen? She was hard pressed for the answer.

"I know," April murmured. She could only shake her head, sniffing as her own tears fell, running her hands soothingly down Jackson's arms. "I know." 


	3. Chapter 3

_There's a book, it's a classic, all about how can lives shatter because of arbitrary circumstances that are out of your control. The book's called Things Fall Apart. It's a great book, but the title makes it all seem so elegant. So poetic. But the truth is that loss, pain, and trauma are messy. When you experience tragedy it feels like everything around you, inside of you, and a part of you is being ripped apart. When it happens to you, things don't fall apart; shit breaks. It breaks into a million tiny pieces and you know that no matter how hard you try to put it all back together, your life will never be the same again.  
_

Callie breathed deeply, blinking back her near constant flow of tears. She needed to stay strong for her wife, for Mark and their daughter but she couldn't keep her leg from bouncing anxiously as the flight came in for it's landing in Spokane. She swallowed hard and glanced over to Owen, and was strangely relieved to see that he looked as spooked to be on a plane as she was. Not when they both knew exactly how dangerous a plane could actually be. You take it for granted really, because planes fly all the time. but when you think about it, they're really just metal cans flung into the sky. Metal can flung into the sky with people on them. Not safe at all.

She refused to let herself contemplate just how bad Arizona and everyone's injuries really were. Callie couldn't face that. Instead she tried to convince herself that things would work out. The thoughts kept going around in her head on a loop. Arizona will be okay. Mark will be okay. They will all be okay. They are alive. Except Lexie. Then how could any of them be okay? Damn it.

Flying had seemed like the best idea at the time, when Hunt had first told everyone the news. Callie had needed to get to Arizona. She needed to be by her wife's side. And the quickest way to get from Seattle to Spokane was a 45 minute flight. Totally the best way to get to Arizona quickly. Callie had known instantly that flying here was what she  _had_  to do. And the same logic had driven Hunt to join her. Callie wasn't the only one with an injured wife at St. John's Hospital in Spokane.

So they'd booked emergency tickets and flown out. Callie had barely had time to run home pack a travel bag, and call Arizona's parents. Now, as the plane encountered slight turbulence coming for it's landing, Callie gripped her seat's arm rests. She almost regretted choosing to fly. Almost. But then Callie turned her thoughts to Arizona and the regret and her personal fear didn't seem to matter. It would all be worth it to see that Arizona was alive, and to be with her sooner. She glanced over to Owen and saw the same fear and worry for a spouse reflected in his eyes. He felt the same as she did. And of course they also were gripped with other fear. It was more than just their wives on the line. Their friends too. Sofia's father. As the plane came to a successful but screeching halt Callie breathed a sigh of relief and noted that Hunt's eyes went to the ceiling and he exhaled a breath too.

The loop continued. Arizona will be okay. Mark will be okay. They will all be okay. They are alive. Except Lexie. How could any of them be okay? Damn it.

At least choosing to fly had turned out to be a good call. Within minutes Callie and Owen were off the plane, out of the terminal and in a rental car, on their way to St. John's Hospital in downtown Spokane. That much closer to their loved ones. They drove in silence, each only thinking about the magnitude of everything that had happened. There was a part of Callie that could still barely believed it was true. This time yesterday she'd been flitting around the hospital, telling the residents to seize their moment, going on about how great her own life was just then. How things had changed.

Of course, Callie had made a different decision about flying for Sofia. No way she'd have put both herself and her daughter on a plane to go see her injured wife and best friend. Because whatever bad karma the doctors of Seattle Grace had, it would probably stick it to them in that moment and give them the cruelest twist possible. Mark and Arizona would survive their grave injuries, and wake up only to discover that Callie and their daughter had been killed in a god-damn plane crash. It would be  _just_  the sort of thing that would happen, so Callie didn't risk it.

Instead she'd left Sofia in Alex's care, though she knew that that really probably meant that her daughter would be in Kepner's care. Poor April would probably end up taking care not only of the babies, but of Alex and Jackson too, based on the last time Callie had seen any of them. Alex cursing up a storm in the far end of the conference room, while Jackson sitting as he stared blankly in shock, with April by his side. They were as torn up as anyone else, Callie supposed. Anyone else, who didn't have a spouse or the father of their child injured. That ripped you apart ten times worse.

The loop never stopped. Arizona will be okay. Mark will be okay. They will all be okay. They are alive. Except Lexie. How could any of them be okay? Damn it.

All three of them, Alex, Jackson, and April had offered to make the 'over land' journey from Seattle to Spokane, driving the four and a half hours by car, bringing both Zola and Sofia to be near their parents. Callie never would have thought that she'd opt to put Sofia in a car over other modes of transportation  _because it felt safer_. Strange how things work out.

The newly graduated residents would bring up the little girls and pass them off to assorted grandparents as they arrived, on hastily booked flights after receiving panicked phone calls from their children's co-workers. So Callie felt reasonably certain that she didn't have to worry about taking care of Sofia on top of worrying about taking care of Arizona and Mark. It was one thing she could be sure about. Sofia would be taken care of, and would be with her in Spokane.

Owen carefully parked their car in front of the formidably old looking brick hospital, and like silent robots, they got out and headed into the main lobby. It was so weird standing in an unfamiliar hospital. Not only that, but being in an unfamiliar hospital as the family of a patient. Knowing that the survival of the people you loved depended on this place that you knew nothing about. A place where you, even with the years of education, training and experience, had no real power as a doctor or anything else.

Which, Callie belatedly realized would likely be even worse for her. This was eastern Washington after all. Far from the leafy liberal world of Seattle. Closer to Idaho than Olympia. Would the staff of this hospital even let Callie see her wife? Sure she was Arizona's emergency contact person, but when something was this serious hospitals usually just wanted next of kin, right? And-

The panic must have shown on her face because Owen suddenly took her hand and paused on the way to the main desk. "You'll see her. I promise. I'll make it happen. No compromises."

Fighting back tears, Callie nodded. Recalling his insistence that she not risk her family during the sinkhole incident over a year earlier she was immensely grateful that Hunt had his moments. He really did. She bit her lip and they stepped forward to the counter in the center of the lobby. A kind looking older woman, who Callie was almost positive was a nun, looked up as smiled sadly at them. Like she knew why they were here.

Owen stepped forward and cleared his throat, "I am Owen Hunt, the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. We're here about the plane crash? Charter flight 880? We're family. The survivors are-"

"Yes," the nun replied, standing up and coming around from behind the main desk, to stand next to them. She took hold of Callie's hand and squeezed it sympathetically. She took hold of Owen's hand too. "We've been expecting you. Please, come right this way."

She gestured and another similarly dressed woman moved to take her vacated spot at the main desk. Then she began to lead them further into the hospital. When they arrived in a waiting area, the old lady gestured for them to take a seat before sitting down with them, "The surgeons will be out soon to update you on your people. I'll stay until they do."

And that was it. She didn't try to make small talk, spout religious platitudes, or offer any false hopes. She just sat with them. For some reason, Callie found that oddly comforting, even thought it didn't make any sense at all. She didn't even know this woman's name or if she really was a nun at all. She was a complete stranger. Callie glanced over to Owen, who leaned forward and held his head in his hands looking exhausted. He probably hadn't gotten more sleep than she had. Callie swallowed and looked at her hands.

Arizona will be okay.

Mark will be okay.

They will all be okay.

They are alive.

Except Lexie.

So how could any of them be okay?

Damn it.

* * *

April took a deep breath and double checked the supplies they had in Jackson's car. Both car seats, plenty of water, snacks, toys; the works. Even if it was only a four hour trip. Never hurt to be prepared. Shutting the car door, she stood next to the car for a moment still trying to process everything that had already happened that morning.

It had began in an oddly nice way actually, even though she knew that was a weird way to look at it. But waking up curled up next to Jackson had been really nice. Next to Jackson with a sleepy baby sprawled across their laps had made it  _all_  the nicer. Ridiculous. Selfish. Immature. It was just the kind of thing she didn't need. Mornings like this would only serve to feed her unrequited fantasy about what life might be like if Jackson actually would pick a girl like her. If she could have that perfect life where true love existed. The life she'd dreamed of as a kid. Then again, she'd had so many dreams. Dreams she could be important. A surgeon. Loved. None of them were coming true at the moment.

April held on to the pleasant morning she had had with Jackson, even though the rest of the morning sucked. Many of her friends were injured. Lexie was dead. Hunt had told everyone in the conference room, and ever since it seemed like they were all in a daze. They had all just sort of hung around in the room for a while, dwindling one by one. Owen and Callie rushing off to get a plane to Spokane. April, Alex, and Jackson had numbly agreed to drive to St. John's that afternoon. Webber went off to act as Chief in Owen's absence. Bailey off to contact everyone's families. Finally, Alex disappeared somewhere else, cursing and knocking over chairs as he left, leaving Jackson and April alone with their grief.

Jackson hadn't said very much since they found out the news. What was there to say? Mark Sloan was his mentor. April couldn't begin to understand what that relationship was like. Or Alex and Arizona's mentorship either. She realized that she'd never really gotten to the same level with Owen as her teacher. Chief of Surgery and Chief Resident. They'd both been too busy. Alex and Jackson were obviously very close to Mark and Arizona. Of course Jackson was devastated. And he had always fit in better with Meredith and Cristina that April ever had. Derek too really. April had been tolerated by them. Probably pitied too. But her heart still ached to know that they were all so severely injured. Because she really did like them all, much more than they knew.

And obviously Jackson felt bad about Lexie. And there was nothing to say.

Death is devastatingly final. April felt like she'd missed so many opportunities to reach out to Lexie. Granted, at first they hadn't really gotten along. Lexie had stolen her notebook, and read it. But by the...end, and how alien it felt to think there was an  _end_ , April and Lexie had become friends. April knew that she could have done more to deepen that friendship, and that maybe Lexie had needed that in the past few months. The younger resident had seemed a little isolated and confused. She'd picked up on that much.

And what had April done? Let Alex convince her to try to use Lexie's legendary photographic memory to help her study. Selfish. She'd been so wrapped up in her chief resident work, and studying for boards that she just never really took the time to catch up with Lexie. April had told herself that she would do it eventually. They'd catch up and have a girls night, as soon as it was all finished. When she'd passed, and gotten a job and a fellowship. They'd catch up then. Only, April had failed, lost all her job offers, and her virginity, and she just had gotten so fixated on dealing with her life falling apart that she'd missed her last opportunity to connect with her friend.

If April had known then what she knew now? Well, she'd have done a lot of things differently. Lexie didn't need to die for her to learn that though. God could have just done things differently. If he did things at all.

And so April didn't know  _why_  she did what she did in the conference room after everyone else had gone. She shouldn't have done it. April hadn't meant to. She'd sat with Jackson, only able to offer quiet murmurs of comfort as she rested her hands on his arms. He still hadn't said anything except for his initial stunned reaction. All she could do was be there for him. She could hold in her own feelings and let him deal with his. Jackson needed support. April knew that he probably loved Lexie and that losing her must be tearing him up inside. It made her feel a little jealous and then guilty. She knew she had no right to be jealous of Lexie. None.

April had her life, even if it was falling apart. Lexie didn't.

She didn't know why she did what she did. There had been this moment when...well, Jackson had looked up and he'd looked  _so_  sad, and  _so_  lost. As bad as he had after the shooting even. They'd leaned closer to each other, not unlike the way they'd leaned together at Joe's that night she'd lost her Seattle Grace offer. April stared into the depths of Jackson's seemingly infinite sea colored eyes, and in that moment she wanted nothing more than to take his pain away. To make him feel a little better. If only for a moment.

So she'd closed the gap between them and pressed her lips to his. And when Jackson didn't immediately push her away? April had let herself get lost in the kiss. Because for a second, it took her pain away, and made her feel a little better. Jackson reached his hand to her cheeks, and she closed her eyes.

_So_  exceptionally inappropriate. Lexie was dead. She shouldn't have done it. She was so selfish. Revolting. A  _terrible_  person. Who kissed somebody when a dear friend has died? April could hardly believe she had. Maybe she'd fallen so far into lust that she couldn't even stop herself anymore.

Suddenly April had pulled back, blinking in confusion and flushing with guilt. "I-I...I'm sorry," she stammered, unable to look Jackson in the eye. "I shouldn't have-"

Jackson licked his lips and said, "April, it's-"

She'd pulled her chair back from his, and Jackson had reached his hand to hers. Abruptly, the door had opened revealing a scowling Alex. He'd stood in the door way, and his eyes had narrowed and slid back and forth between April and Jackson.

"If we're gonna be the freaking babysitter's club we should probably get crap ready for the drive. I'll get snacks."

"Yes," April replied, clearing her throat, and trying to keep her voice from squeaking. "Yes. W-we should. Jackson you can get the girls...And...I'll go get the car seats and maps."

She'd quickly brushed past Alex, without looking at Jackson, and headed down the hallway, clenching and unclenching. Now, as she leaned against the car waiting for Alex and Jackson, April bit her lip and held back a sob. How had things gotten  _so_ incredibly messed up?

Hearing baby babbling and foot steps, April quickly whipped her eyes, and straightened her shoulders, before turning around. With a plastered smile on her face, so the little girls didn't get scared. Alex was doing his best, and so was Jackson, but April knew that both of them were just barely holding it together. Which was their right. Because they were close with everyone in the crash. They were allowed to be messes. But it meant that she had to step up. Get the little kids to Spokane and Callie. Keep everyone going. She had to be the person that kept an eye on everyone.

"Okay," April said, grinning as best she could at Sofia and Zola. "Are we ready to go on our trip?"

* * *

Alex was pissed.

Actually, to say that he was pissed was probably the grossest understatement of all time. As soon as he had found out about the freaking plane crash Alex had felt his anger rise. He was pissed at the pilot. Pissed at nature. Pissed at himself. If had had just talked to Robbins or whatever. About Hopkins. First, before he'd made his decision. Maybe then she wouldn't have kicked him off the Boise case. Maybe if Alex had been there, on the plane, everything would be different now. Somehow.

He scowled and crossed his arms. Little freakin' Grey was dead. Actually dead. He'd been an ass to her on more than one occasion, and now Alex just wished she'd known just how cool he thought she really was. And Alex felt like his rage just grew stronger when he let his mind veer to the subject of his best friends. And that is what Mer and Cristina were. He could admit that. Losing O'Malley had been hard enough. Why the hell did he loose everyone he cared about? Was he really that much of a jerk? Did he deserve this crap?

Everything just seemed like it was just wrong today. Alex was riding bitch in the backseat of Avery's car, smashed between two car seats with April at the freakin' wheel. What the hell?

April had insisted; oh, it's Jackson's car, he should have the front. He's sad about Lexie, let him have the front. You are in no condition to drive. Blah, blah, blah. Alex had wanted to snap at her. He'd dated Lexie too! And Robbins was in his seat on that plane. Granted, Jackson had been better to Lexie than he ever had. Better to Sloan about choosing a fellowship. Better to April too. Alex couldn't really blame her for looking out for her friend. Even if they were being weird or whatever.

"Huh, wow!" April's voice had an over exaggerated sound of awe. "Look at that truck girls! Have you ever seen a truck that big? That is a semi-truck. It's green. How many do we see? One?"

Jackson chimed in, his voice obviously straining to sound happy, "Yeah, look there is another one. It's red. That's two semi trucks!"

Freaking A. Well, April had two of the most cardinal rules you learned for dealing with kids in peds down pat. Distraction and laughter.

And at least Avery was talking. Seemed like the dude had barely said ten words to anyone since Hunt had delivered the news about the crash. Talking to the tiny tots would occupy all three of them. Jackson needed that Alex supposed.

How the hell had he ended up being third wheel in some awkward domestic trip with Kepner and Avery, Alex would never know. It was all part of the weird vibe he'd gotten from them lately. It'd happened earlier today too. In the kitchen that morning. And then later in the conference room. He'd walked in and Jackson and April had gotten this crazy deer in the headlights look.

Sofia grinned and eagerly looked out of the window, babbling and pointing at the passing trucks. Alex glanced over to Zola. She looked a lot more grumpy. She wasn't buying April's valiant attempts at distraction. He could respect that. Kid knew something was up. Poor thing. Little kids shouldn't have to worry about anything. Alex made a funny face, crossing his eyes and sucking his cheeks in like a fish. Zola giggled. That was more like it. She should laugh now. Might not be much opportunity for it later.

Even though he was still feeling angry, Alex kind of did have to hand it to April though. Kepner had never cried in front of the little girls. He'd expected her to be blubber city, because she was always blubber city. But so far, for this, Alex had yet to see her shed a tear.

He thought that was why she stepped up and agreed to do this trip and stuff in the first place. While everyone else was busy being devastated. Alex figured, April really did want to cry but she probably felt like she couldn't because her connection to all the tragedy was more distant. She was so much about following the rules. Maybe she felt like it wasn't her place. Maybe it isn't.

Alex and Jackson both had 'things' with lexie. Their mentors were both gravely injured. Alex had known Mer and Cristina from the beginning, and Jackson had always gelled with their little group the best out of the Mercy Westers. April was more on the fringes. But right now Alex almost envied might have it better. No lovers, no mentor, no friends. No grief. No pain. Or guilt.

At least in theory, anyway. But if you watched her, you could see that Kepner wanted to cry. And that she felt the loss as much of the rest of them. It pissed him off. Loss leaves no one untouched. Grief takes no prisoners. If he were nicer...if he was good with all this crap, if he wasn't drowning in his own reaction to this stupid crash, he might know how to help April. Maybe he'd take her aside and tell her to let it out or whatever. The sadness and the rage and the tears.

But he couldn't do that because that would mean Alex would have to let out his own rage and sadness and tears. And he knew he didn't deserve to. He didn't deserve to be free. Because was his fault Robbins was on that damn plane. Alex deserved to hurt. Or maybe even to be dead. So instead, he continued to keep his own crap in, and watched Kepner keep her own crap in, wondering which one of them will crack first. He wasn't sure who to bet on.

Alex had to wonder what people thought of them all, when they stopped at a rest stop for gas and to let Zola and Sofia run around a bit. What the other travelers thought of their little rainbow coalition, April and two kids and two guys. It was the east side of Washington. Smaller towns, different people. Alex noted more than a few curious glances their direction as he filled the car with gas, as April and Jackson took the tots off to the bathroom and to stretch. Well, it didn't help that Jackson looked like he'd blow over if there was a big gust of wind. Dude was kind of stare worthy.

Alex watched their retreating figures as they walked off, getting that strange sense of something between them. It was weird. It bothered him. Bits and pieces of things he noticed about Kepner and Avery were just floating around in his head, like an unfinished puzzle. Maybe he just wanted something else to think about, other than the crash crap. Alex didn't know.

So he finished pumping the gas and leaned against the hood of the car, waiting for everyone to come back. Avery returned first, and frowned as he leaned against the car too. Dude really looked messed up. He was all pale and what ever. Adam's apple bobbing around, like Jackson couldn't stop swallowing. They both stared out sadly at the little grassy area next to the rest stop, where April stood, letting the little kids play. Mostly Sofia ran around though. Zola still looked mad. There was something about the way Jackson stared at April.

And in that moment, the puzzle suddenly was clear. All the pieces and weird things Alex had noticed in the past weeks seemed to finally fit together. Well damn.

"Are you boinking Kepner?" he asked bluntly, though now he was pretty sure he knew that answer.

It all kind of made freakin' sense. Why they'd acted off. Hell it explained  _a lot._ And Avery had said it himself back at the boards party when April had gotten uncharacteristically hammered. He'd said she'd been all about firsts lately. Firsts. At the time Alex had thought he'd just meant about failing, but now...Alex would bet he meant another first. Maybe that had thrown her game and made her fail in the first place. Which would explain even more why things were awkward between them. Holy freakin' cow.

Jackson looked startled and then furious, snarling, "Lay off it, man!"

Shaking his head Alex pressed, "Dude, you cashed her V-card. How the hell did that happen?"

"I said back off, Karev." Oh, they'd so screwed. Jackson didn't deny it.

"She any good?"

"Drop it. I am warning you," Avery's expression was dark, and his eyes drifted over to Kepner and the kids.

"Whatever," Alex shrugged, suddenly feeling the need to be frank and honest. Since things were obviously a little messed up with them. "You guys should get your shit together, though. Now is not the time to lose friends and get all wishy washy and crap. You gotta keep the people you care about real close. It's the only way you can make it when someone dies."

"You don't think I know that? It's not the first time we've lost people," Jackson mumbled.

Alex nodded and stuck his hands in his pockets. That was certainly true. But things were different now. It hadn't escaped Alex's notice that Jackson had said 'we'. Talking like, well, like he and Kepner were a 'we'. Didn't seem like Avery thought the screwing was just screwing. Whatever. They'd always been freakishly close. Now that he thought about it, it kind of made sense they'd get together. And if Alex was more of a sap, he'd hope they would be together. Because someone deserved to be free of all the hospital curse crap. But Alex wasn't a sap. And he didn't believe in happy endings.

Before anything else could be said, his phone buzzed in his pocket. Callie. He answered right away, assuring her that Sofia was fine and listened in numb shock as she updated him on everyone's status. He hung up and put his hands in his pockets again, squinting into the afternoon sun.

"Well?" Jackson demanded.

"Mer's got...head injuries. Brain bleed. Been in surgery for hours. Probably will be for more. Robbins...Robbins might lose a leg," he shook his head in disbelief. "Shit. She's still in surgery too. Cristina's out, and conscious. Shepherd is too. They weren't as bad. They're in recovery. Awake and freaking out about everything. Derek wants to see Zola."

Alex finally brought himself to look Avery in the eye. This last bit of information had made Callie distraught on the phone. He knew it'd freak out Jackson too.

"Sloan's got internal injuries. Pretty bad. He needs surgery, but they haven't been able to stabilize him enough...his prognosis isn't really good."

"Oh." Jackson's shoulders dropped and he stared at his feet, "Damn."

Alex could only nod in agreement. Crappy day all around.

* * *

Zola squirmed and twisted in her car seat. She didn't like this car. She didn't know this car. It wasn't her Daddy's car. Or Mommy's.

She missed her Mommy and Daddy. It had been a long time since she'd seen them. Not normal long. Like days she had to stay extra long at the play place at work. Or when Aunt Lexlex took her home to play. It was longer than when she had spent the night at Sofia's. The last time Zola could remember not seeing her Mommy and Daddy for so long was when she had gone to live in that other place. With those other people. She'd had to live there for a long time. She had not liked that.

And living somewhere else was about as far back as Zola could remember, so she was scared. Because, what if she had to live with those strangers again? She just wanted  _her_ Mommy and Daddy. She glanced over the seat, over to silly Alex who's head bounced and was snoring. She could see Sofia in her seat too. She had fallen asleep also. She wasn't too scared to nap. Not like Zola. Had Sofia ever lived with strangers? Zola didn't know. She felt better having her friend with her.

Zola fussed and kicked her legs hard on the seat in front of her. She kicked and kicked and started to cry. Why couldn't she just go home? She wanted to go home and see her Mommy and Daddy.

"Hey!" the high pitched and familiar voice of April came from the driver's seat. "Don't do that pretty girl. We're almost there."

Zola didn't care. She just wanted to go home and all she could do was kick. So she crossed her arms and glared and kicked harder and harder. As hard as she could.

A gentle hand reached back from the front seat and grabbed hold of her ankles, stopping her kicks. It almost sent Zola into a rage. She could never ever ever remember feeling so angry. But Jackson was always nice to her. He spoke firmly and Zola had never heard him talk like that before, so she didn't try to kick him.

"Zola. You need to stop. April is driving. Don't kick, we're gonna get out soon."

She did want to get out soon. Zola relaxed and fidgeted with her seat strap yet again. She wasn't as scared. They weren't entirely strangers. She'd played with Alex before a lot of times, and April had sung her songs, and Jackson gave her tummy raspberries. They'd slept at her home before. And eaten with her and Mommy and Daddy too. They weren't strangers. She still didn't want to live with them though.

But...they knew her Mommy and Daddy, so they wouldn't let her get taken away. That seemed right.

The car stopped. Alex's head snapped up next to her and he made a funny face. Zola wanted to laugh but she was still too angry. He turned and unbuckled Sofia, carrying her out of the car. Peering out the windows, Zola felt scared. She didn't remember any of this. She twisted and screeched when April took her out of her seat. Zola just wanted to go home. She didn't understand why she was here.

April held Zola close and they all went inside a tall scary building. It had shiny floors, like where Mommy and Daddy worked. But it was darker and echoy and made Zola feel scared. They stopped and talked to strangers and Zola wanted to get down. She started to cry again, lashing out at the arms that tried to soothe her. Why couldn't she just go home?

"Shh...I know," April said. "We're gonna go check on your Daddy in a minute. They said he wants to see you."

That was enough to make Zola stop. Her Daddy was here? She wanted to see him. She wanted her Daddy. Zola tangled her fingers in April's hair and bounced her legs happily, saying, "Dada. Dada. Dada."

Daddy was here in this scary place. He would fix everything. He would find Mommy. And Aunt Lexlex. He could take them home.

They went on a elevator ride and Zola stuck her finger in her mouth. She didn't know why, but it make her feel better. When they got off of the elevator, Alex and Sofia and Jackson turned one direction and walked down a big long hall. Zola felt lonely. She could see Sofia's waving, looking over Alex's shoulder as they walked farther and farther away.

April took Zola another way. She sucked her thumb harder. She was scared, but she knew it would all be okay when she found her Daddy. They walked into a dark room, with lots of scary tubes and blinking. April sat down in a chair near a big bed, with crib walls on two sides. There was a man sleeping in there.

He opened his eyes and his crackly voice said, "There she is. There's my Zozo. Oh, you don't know how much Daddy wanted to see you."

The man's arms reached out to her, and Zola got scared when April began to hand her over. She clasped her arms tight around April's neck.

This man was not her Daddy. He didn't smell like her Daddy. Daddy smelled like hair stuff and grass. He didn't look like her Daddy. He looked too tired. There was too many hairs on his chin. He looked sad. His arm had a hard box on it. He didn't sound like her Daddy. This man sounded old.

"Zola?" he asked again, sounding sadder.

"Here's your Daddy," April whispered, leaning close to the big crib bed and perching Zola on the edge. "It's okay. It's your Daddy."

"Zola?" the man's voice sounded gravelly, like when Zola played in the sand box and got sand on the bottom of her shoes and then walked on the sidewalk. She never liked that sound and Daddy always carried her and took off her shoes. So they could get the sand away. This man sounded so sad.

Tentatively, Zola pulled away from April. She frowned and looked at the man in the bed. His eyes looked like Daddy's. His eyes looked scared.

"Dada?" she asked, moving a little closer.

"It's me, Zozo. It's Daddy." His arm without the box pulled her close. He had scary tubes and wires on him, but Zola let her head rest on his chest. She could hear his thump thumps. She knew those thumps. It really was her Daddy! Zola burrowed closer onto his chest and started to cry. But not because she was mad. Finally! Finally. Finally, she was with her Daddy again.

"I'm so sorry. I love you so much kiddo."

Zola still didn't really understand what was going on. Or why her Daddy was here and not at home. She didn't know where he Mommy was or when she'd see her. But Zola was happy to have her Daddy again. Maybe it meant they could go home soon.

* * *

Mark Sloan drifted in and out of consciousness. He could swear that he saw Lexie. She was waiting for him. He knew it was terrible, but he kind of wanted to go. To be with her. It would be easier. So much easier. Living without her would be hell.

And it was all so stupid. He should have told her sooner. He should have told her sooner that he loved her with all his heart. Mark couldn't remember now why he hadn't.

The pain in his body had been numbed and the air around him was less cold and windy, so he knew that they had been rescued. A few times, he'd been able to open his eyes a fraction of an inch. He'd seen the room his was in. Very hospital. His eyes fluttered open again and he realized he wasn't alone in his little room.

At first he thought it was Lexie and for a second his heart soared. She was here to come get him. She was here to take him to whatever happened next, and then they'd never be apart again. But the pain in his chest still felt too real, and the room seemed to be coming more and more into focus, father than fading away.

"Ave-errry..." Mark whispered, when he could finally identify who sat at his bedside. He wanted to hate the guy. Blame him for stealing Lex away for so long. But Jackson had been the only student Mark had ever even had half and interest in teaching. Aside from Lexie of course. And that had been less about the plastics anyway. And Mark had been the one to send Avery to Lexie in the first place. He couldn't hate him. Far from it.

"Spa-Spar...k" He wanted to tell Jackson something. He knew it was important. Avery ought to know. For whoever this girl was. He remembered a conversation they'd had with a patient what seemed like an eternity ago. Really it was a matter of days.

"Sloan? Hey man," Jackson said tentatively. "Try not to talk, alright?"

"Ssssa-ay it. H-how you...f-feel," Mark finally managed, with a tremendous effort.

"I-"

"Ifff...spark. D-don't wuh-ait," he could feel himself slipping under again. Beneath the wave of unconsciousness. Mark's eyes fluttered shut again and he breathed a few more words. "T-tell her...how you fee..."

* * *

Jackson sat next to Mark for a long time. Until some nun came and kicked him out. Said they were going to try to stabilize him again. Jackson didn't know how much hope there was of that. Mark was so weak. His vitals were all over the place, and there was just no way to know how he'd do in surgery. He dropped his head to his hands. Sloan was so out of it. Half talking to Lexie, asking her to take him with her, or crying about her being dead.

It made Jackson feel even more consumed with guilt. Because deep down, he'd always known that for Lexie, it had been Mark. Yeah, sure she was a great girl, and he really hadn't believed in soul mates, but Jackson understood that she did. Believe in it. And that for her, that man was Mark Sloan. And that was why he'd let her go. He'd needed to learn from Sloan, and he knew she wasn't over him. He'd thought they'd work it out. That Lexie's time with him was just a small detour. He hadn't known how much time it would waste. He couldn't have known how little time she'd had left.

But he still felt bad. If Jackson had realized sooner,  _ended_  things sooner, maybe Mark and Lexie would have had more time. Maybe this wouldn't have even happened.

Sloan was the best mentor he'd ever had. For the first time, a surgeon wanted to take Jackson under his wing not because of his Avery name, but because Mark had seen potential in him. Jackson didn't know if he'd ever be able to fully show his gratitude for that. He didn't know if he'd get the chance.

For a minute, right before the nurses had kicked Jackson out, he could have sworn that Sloan was semi-lucid. He'd realized Jackson was there at least. And what he'd said had made Jackson think. He couldn't even really be sure that Mark was trying to say something, but the man had determinedly whispered to Jackson. Say how you feel. If there is a spark. Don't wait.

Don't wait.

They'd had the conversation, sort of, with a patient. When Jackson had been choosing fellowships and been all confused about April. Who knew that now he'd be even more confused. About life, fellowships  _and_ his best friend. He was pretty sure April was much more than that to him. Much much more.

And today in the conference room, Jackson had found that they definitely still had the spark. April had surprised him, kissing him out of the blue. She'd jumped back right away, like a person who's hand had touched a hot pan. She'd looked so guilty after. Jackson could kind of understand, but that kiss had felt so good. It had pulled him from the foggy depths of his sadness and back in to the present day. Back to reality. Away from his feeling of emptiness. It had actually been just what he needed. So maybe...maybe April was actually just what he needed.

As he wondered the quiet halls of St. John's, Jackson still didn't know what April felt. She'd pulled back from the kiss today. And freaked out after San Fransico. But at the same time, she'd stayed by his side almost all of the day. She made sure that he ate and drank on the ride over. She'd gotten him his favorite swedish fish candy at the rest stop. She'd driven his car all the way to Spokane, because she knew Jackson couldn't possibly have done that today. Even though she was scared of driving SUV's on Washington's interstates. April had been there for him.

Sloan's words floated through Jackson's mind again. Don't wait. Tell her how you feel. If there's a spark. He knew that they needed to talk. And with everyone in surgery or recovery, maybe now was a good time. As good a time as any. Waiting wasn't worth it. Because you think you have all this time, but now more than ever Jackson understood, that you just never know. You could die tomorrow. The hospital was quiet, much more quiet than Seattle Grace. It kind of freaked Jackson out. But, Spokane was a much smaller city than Seattle. It made sense that they would be less busy.

When he rounded a corner on his way to the elevator, Jackson ran into Alex. Karev looked exhausted. He'd been mad at Karev this afternoon. The guy had figured it all out somehow. Alex had figured out that he'd slept with April, and he'd figured out that things had gotten awkward. Their roommate wasn't half as emotionally dense as he made himself out to be. Probably he was only half as much of an ass as he acted too. Jackson suspected.

"Any news?" Jackson asked quietly, looking at his feet.

"Not much...Robbins's thing is a two part deal, so she's stable for now. Tomorrow they can go in again..." Alex shrugged and ran a hand down the back of his neck. Mer's not done. Still..."

"Sloan's pretty bad," Jackson added, his voice cracking. "I don't think-I don't know if he'll pull through."

Alex shook his head and swore, "I should have been on that freakin' plane-"

"And what?" Jackson demanded. "Probably be dead too. What good would that possibly do anyone? This hurts all of us. We'd feel just as bad if it was you in the OR. Or...or the morgue."

"I don't have a kid though," Alex said finally biting the inside of this cheeks.

That was true. And it made things suck even more. Sofia and Zola really still stood to lose at least one parent each. It was awful.

"Anyway," Alex continued. "April gave your keys to Callie. So she didn't have to move the car seats. Torres took the munchkins to hotel. I hope you don't mind."

"It's fine."

"I have the keys to her and Owen's rental," Alex said pulling the jangling keys from his pocket. "I figure I'll just stick around here. Hunt's staying too. We can call if we get news. You and April could go to the hotel too. Get some...rest...or whatever."

Probably not any 'whatever'. Jackson cleared his throat and carefully took the keys, "Uh, thanks. We'll...we'll probably hangout here though. Just in case. Find some empty beds to crash on."

Alex shrugged and began to continue walking down the hall, "Suit yourselves."

"You should try to get some sleep yourself, Alex."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Oh!" Jackson called over his shoulder. "Do you know were April went? After she took Zola to Shepherd? Or where she is now?"

"The church thing. 2nd floor."

The chapel. He might have known. Yet another reason why Jackson was so unsure of what April felt about him. When he arrived in the small room, he found April slumped down in a pew in the back. She was busy either praying or crying. Or both. She didn't hear Jackson come in and she jumped when he slid into the pew beside her. He scooted himself very close, so that their legs touched, and he could wrap one arm around her shoulders.

April didn't pull away. That was a good sign right? She didn't say anything either. Not so great.

"You know, he's pretty lucky," Jackson said quietly.

"Who?"

"The man you're gonna marry." He had no idea where he was going with all of this. This topic was miles away from where he had planned to begin, and yet the words fell from his lips.

" _What_?"

"He's lucky. You...today...you took care of everyone. You were great. With the kids, me. Even Alex. Any guy is gonna be lucky to get you."

April shook her head vehemently, "No, he's n-not. I'm-I'm not good. Not good enough."

"Does...does the virginity really matter that much?"

"It's more than...Jackson, I really don't want to talk-"

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Jackson gestured to the small chapel around them. "About all of this April. You could have told me."

"I don't know why!" April frowned and slumped down. "I don't know what I believe anymore. I don't even know what I am doing here now. Praying away when it obviously doesn't  _do_ anything. Can't stop planes from falling out of the sky."

She sniffed and angrily rubbed tears from her eyes.

"You're human, April," Jackson said finally, pulling her close. "You can cry. You're a good human being."

She shook her head. and he continued, "Yes, you are. And, like I said, anyone- _I..._ would be lucky to get you."

April tried to push away at those words, "Jackson! Are you? You're not...you're just saying that."

Her hands pulled at his arms but Jackson didn't let her slip away, "That came out wrong...I mean I'm not-proposing or anything, at least not for right now I am not. I just-we need to talk. About all of this. San Francisco. All of it. No time is any better than another. We just need to get on the same page. We need to be honest."

After a long moment her body relaxed against him and April quietly replied, "Okay."

"Okay," Jackson sighed. "Okay...well, to start...I want to know...why...why you don't think you are good enough? Is it really that important to be a virgin? I want to know about your religion. Tell me about God."

He rested his head on top of hers, pressed a soft kiss on her hair, and waited for her answer.


	4. Chapter 4

_Impact. It can take less than a second. You hear about it all the time. Car crashes, shootings, interstate pile ups. Utter devastation reaped upon the lives of victims in staggeringly small periods of time. 3 seconds? Maybe 10? The human brain doesn't even have the time to process the impact as it happens. It's amazing that in that short amount of time so much can change. But it's never just the impact itself. That small moment begets many thousands of moments to 's effects can be felt for years. Forever. It's the same thing for decisions. One small choice you make, 2 seconds, or 3? That one small choice can influence the course of your entire life. And choices like that can come around at any time. We are always a work in progress._

Arizona didn't know where she was.

She moaned and tried to open her eyes. Everything hurt. Her head throbbed and even though she knew she was in pain, she couldn't quite pin point where it was coming from anymore than she could understand where she was. Was she floating? Was she dead? Maybe she was. Arizona remembered being in the plane crash. Lexie dying. Mark wanting to.

Maybe she had. Arizona wanted to cry. She wanted to see Sofia. Callie. Her parents. People she loved. Something caught in her throat. Being dead probably would not hurt this much.

She belatedly realized she wasn't was here with her. Wherever here was. Arizona tried to move, open her eyes, and identify the person.

Tim?

"Hey," a familiar voice reached her ears. "You gotta stay still. You're intubated. Don't fight it, Robbins."

The effort of moving, breathing,  _thinking_  was too much, and Arizona felt herself being pulled back into the blankness of unconsciousness. Just before she slipped under, she felt a hand squeeze hers. She was still confused, but who ever she was with, made her feel less alone.

"I'm...I'm really freakin' sorry."

* * *

April sighed and stared at the front of the chapel. She didn't really want to talk. She didn't want Jackson to know any of the stuff he was asking about. Because he would only think she was crazy. Or get mad at her. Or...something. Regardless, April was afraid that this conversation was going to place her on the verge of losing her very best friend. At as much risk, if not more, than sleeping with him had.

"Jackson..." she began awkwardly. "It's just...you have to understand. In Moline,  _everyone_ goes to church. Everyone."

"If it's so important to you, why don't you ever talk about it?"

The thing about it was that April didn't really  _know_  why. Was it that she was afraid to be teased? Mostly. Was there an element of wanting to shed the small-town farm girl image? That too. She couldn't be sure why she'd never even told Jackson. She supposed he'd think she was small minded. Maybe even a bit extreme. She'd been afraid he'd stop being friends with her. And April was still pretty confused about what she believed anyway.

She mostly didn't want to talk about it. But Jackson could always get to her. He'd always been easy to talk to.

"I thought...you'd think I was weird. Maybe...too weird," April said finally. "Too weird for you. I mean you are Jackson Avery. You can be friends with whoever you want. People like you. I didn't want you to stop talking to me."

"You know I wouldn't-"

"Not  _now_..." she interrupted, beginning to ramble. "But  _then_...when we were first interning at Mercy West. It was a risk. I thought-I don't know...you'd think I was too annoying and then I didn't say anything and then it seemed like I waited too long. Because we'd been friends for a while and I mean it would have been weird to just randomly tell you years later, that oh, by the way I'm super religious and-"

April stopped short when Jackson chuckled. She turned to glare at him as he held back a smile. This was not the time for laughter. Especially given everything that had happened, with the crash and San Fransisco and  _everything_. Besides she wasn't being funny.

Sensing her growing indignation, Jackson ran a reassureing hand down April's arm, and said,"That's basically what ended up happening though. I mean, I just sat down next to you...um  _that_  day. I sat down and you started talking about Jesus. Seemed pretty random to me."

Chuckling a little herself, April winced, "Yeah."

Her shoulders slumped. She couldn't do anything right. "I...I shouldn't have-I'm sorry that I just-"

"Hey," Jackson held her hand in his, speaking evenly. "Don't worry. Let's not dwell. Life's too short. It's fine. Now, I know. I want to know more. Okay, so everyone in Moline goes to church. I don't even think I've seen you actually go."

"I've lapsed...since I came out here," April admitted. "Because, it was easier not to go, I guess. I didn't want people to think I wasn't a good doctor."

"Going to church would make people think you were a bad doctor?" he seemed surprised.

"Being religious means...you put faith in something other than science. Doctors are supposed to trust in medicine. They are supposed to accept science above everything else. If I was religious...if everyone knew...People would think that I didn't-you think I'm crazy right?"

Jackson began drawing small circles on the back of her hand. It was strangely comforting. She liked it when he held her hand. He did that, drew circles on her. Not just on her hand. He'd done it, elsewhere...in the hotel room.  _That_  night. Right before. April liked it. He pursed his lips and sighed.

"No," he began haltingly. "But, you wanna know something I do think?"

"Okay..."

"April, I think you spend entirely too much time being worried about what other people think about you."

For some reason April felt her tears rise again. She doubled over and began to sob. She didn't know why. It was like everything, the plane crash, failing, and losing her virginity welled to the surface. All her feelings, the fear, sadness, insecurity, all of it came rushing down on top of her. She did worry about being disliked. She did worry about what people thought. Back home it had been such a huge part of things. April was always compared to someone in her family. In Moline people always defined her in relation to others. Joe Kepner's red headed kid. Not as pretty as Libby, or as popular as Kimmie or as outgoing as Alice. Mrs. Kepner's bookworm.

Maybe April had internalized it. She knew what it was like to be rejected and she supposed she wanted to stay a step ahead. She worried about what other people thought because she wanted to pre-empt the moments when they would realize she was awkward and nerdy. It was stupid and immature, and really, when faced with things like life or death, unimportant.

Jackson leaned over with her, gently pulling her hands back from her face, and whispering in her ear, "Hey, hey, it's okay. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I do it too. Everyone does. Shh...but listen, you know what else I think? We all worry so much about what other people think...we worry so much, but I think that other people are really much more fixated on themselves. They are much more worried about their own stuff than they are about you. Or me. Or anyone."

April's shoulders rose as she took deep and steady breaths, working to calm herself. Yes, Jackson was probably right about that. Mostly. But April also knew, that sometimes people did go out of their way to pick on others. Maybe it was out of spite, or because of a lack of empathy or because they wanted to tease before someone did it to them. But it did happen. It happened to her a lot. No matter if she was a good church going farm girl in Moline, or a Chief Resident in a Seattle hospital.

When she'd calmed down, Jackson leaned back so that they were both sitting up. Jackson frowned and said, "But what does your faith really mean to you? Never mind what other people might think or being a doctor or any of it. Why is it important to you?"

April huffed uncomfortably, "Things are really confusing right now...I don't even know if I really still believe..."

Jackson looked up and glanced around the small hospital chapel where they sat, "And yet, you still came here."

April tilted her head to one side, taking in the small church around them. the place was ruthlessly generic and non-denominational, like most hospital chapels. The catholic affiliation of St. John's hospital was clearly visible, however at the front of the rows of pews. There was a large altar draped in fabric, with a bible and a rosary sitting on it. Behind there was a large cross. All signs and symbols that she recognized. Ones that had once brought her comfort. Still did on some level, however inexplicably.

"I did. I came here," April repeated slowly. She couldn't help but feel comfort from sitting in here. Even after everything. Even though she didn't understand why God would let bad things happen to people she cared about. Even if she knew she would probably never measure up to being a good Christian ever again. Not now. Jesus still brought her comfort.

She leaned her head down to Jackson's shoulder, frowning in thought. Finally April began to explain haltingly, "I guess...I guess I'm drawn to my faith for the same reason I am drawn to medicine.

Jackson looked at her curiously, but allowed her to continue. April swallowed, trying to find a way to put her thoughts into words that made sense, "It's...they explain things. Everything. It's like rules. Or...math...something happens and there is a clear cause and a clear result. Faith lays order over the unknown. It's supposed to anyway. I thought it did."

"How would it do that?"

"Like...someone sins, and then something bad happens to them so they learn. Like you get a virus and you get sick. You do all the right things and you get to go to paradise. Justice. Rules. Order. You know how things happen and when they'll happen. And why."

"I think I understand. So you...thought you failed because God was punishing you for having sex? Karma basically."

Tears threatened to fall again, and April rubbed at her eyes, "Yes. No. Sort of...I mean, there was a balance to everything. A higher purpose. I need a sense of purpose. I knew my life had a plan. And Jesus...Jesus is someone who'd never give up on you. He might be hard to learn from, but he never left you behind. I always had Him. Now? I'm not so sure. And I'm tired of trying to figure it all out."

Jackson swallowed hard and looked at his feet, "April, I'm sorry I took adv-"

She sniffed and shook her head, "It wasn't like that, Jackson. I told you. If anything, I took advantage of you. I...I'm not the same person I was in Moline. And I wanted...it's like I said: I loved having sex with you, Jackson. I shouldn't let myself, because it's messed up, but I don't regret it. Even if I have to suffer for it for the rest of my life..."

"You really don't regret it?"

"No. I can't. It felt good."

It was true. She couldn't bring herself to regret any of it. Even the kiss this morning. It was all so messed up. But April couldn't stop thinking about it. Or remembering how it had felt to touch Jackson. And how it'd felt for Jackson to touch her.

"Look, I know premarital sex is against your faith and everything, but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I mean Jesus forgives right? Your...you being...you feeling sensuality; I don't think it means you're a bad Christian," Jackson looked her in the eye, holding her gaze intensely, as though he could make her agree by sheer force of will.

April shrugged. Maybe it did and maybe it didn't. She wasn't sure she cared about it from that angle anymore to be honest. The being a good Christian ship had probably already sailed. She'd let pride and lust get the best of her. It was a different ramification that was tearing her up inside. Something that April didn't think Jackson would understand.

"I'm...I'm not exactly the kind of girl guys like," April mumbled sadly, staring determinedly at her knees. "But I do-I did want to get married. I want to have a family. But now...well, some guys like-so maybe they'd have wanted...well. Virginity was about all I had going for me...and now I'm gonna end up alone."

She couldn't really see any other reason someone would want her. April didn't think she had hope of being loved anymore. Especially when she wasn't sure she even love herself.

"No, no, no," Jackson lifted her chin so they were eye to eye. April kind of wanted to kiss him again. The urge was there, but she was all to aware of the fact that they were basically in a church. In a hospital. Where their friends were fighting for their lives.

Jackson continued shaking his head, "No, April. You're worth more than that...you have everything going for you. You're smart, you're funny, kind, hard working, beautiful-"

"Whiny, annoying, petty, selfish, immature-"

"That's not how I see you. You're human, April. Why don't you believe in yourself more?"

April sniffed and turned away from him. Jackson didn't mean that. Right? He couldn't. He was just saying it because she was a mess. Because she was a mess, when his ex-girl friend had just died and April knew that she should be the one comforting him. As usual, she was screwing things up. She couldn't let herself believe he meant what he said. Because guys like Jackson  _never_ went for girls like April.

"If we're supposed to be talking," she said sharply, pulling away from him, and trying to avoid further discussing the topic at hand. "How come you're the only one asking questions?"

"You can ask me anything April. Anything."

* * *

Alex winced as he watched Robbins uncomfortably fall back under the influence of her medications. He hadn't meant to wake her up. He was only checking in. She looked so pale. And so freakin' small. His larger than life, dedicated and occasionally intimating mentor now looked startlingly fragile. Not just because of the amputation.

He held her hand, even though he knew it wasn't something she was probably aware of. But Alex had remembered Arizona telling once about the power of human touch. Kids, babies, people. Even the most severe patients benefit from a little touch. So he'd do it for her, for whatever it was worth. He gulped and let his gaze flick down to her stump. Holding Robbins hand was literally the  _least_  he could do.

She'd been in his God damn seat! His seat. His spot. Alex knew that it should have been him on that plane. His leg that should have been cut. His life should be utterly changed. Robbins had a kid for crying out loud. And a wife. People who loved her. And Alex knew that Robbins was ten times a better person than he was.

By rights, he should be the one in this bed. Alex knows that. Nothing anyone says, or tries to convince him or whatever is going to change the facts. They were undeniable. He'd picked Hopkins without even talking to her about it, and Arizona had been pissed, and she'd kicked him off the case. There was no way she'd have done it if he hadn't have blindsided her with Hopkins. The whole thing was entirely his fault.

When Alex was sure she'd fallen safely asleep again, he slowly rose to his feet and headed into the hall way. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and held it in his hand, debating whether or not he should call or text Callie about Robbins semi-conscious moment. Well, he was probably reading too much into the whole thing anyway. It really hadn't been much more than a whimper and an eye flutter anyway. And whatever. Would it make Torres feel better or worse? Worse probably. And she needed her sleep or whatever. Alex decided to send a brief text.

He walked down a hall, taking deep breaths and trying to keep himself calm. As usual his emotions boiled over, and as he passed an empty cart, Alex couldn't help himself from reaching out and punching it. He found some satisfaction when the thing clattered loudly to the pain he felt in his fist on impact was nothing compared to what Robbins was feeling. Or Mer. Sloan. It was nothing compared to what Lexie must have felt. Cristina had told him Lex had been crushed under the plane. Crushed.

And Alex should have been there. By rights and everything he should have. With all his crap and attitude and all of it, he thought he'd have been the one who should have died. Better people than him had been lost. Slowly, he continued walking down the hall, off to check on Shepherd and Sloan. Alex didn't understand why life always seemed to give him the short end of the stick. Because this whole survivors guilt thing? Or whatever?

Totally sucked.

* * *

Derek couldn't sleep. The nurses who came in and out of the room to made a point to remind him that he needed his rest. He needed to recover. He was so tired. But Derek couldn't sleep.

He lifted his good hand and ran it down his face, shaking his head in disbelief. He still couldn't believe everything that had happened. Lexie...Lexie. Derek was entirely at blame for that. He hadn't even needed a second set of hands for this particular surgery. It was just that conjoined twins were rare and interesting. And he knew that his sister in law turned protoge hadn't had the chance to actually scrub in on the last one they'd had at Seattle Grace herself. And Derek had been playing matchmaker a bit too. Mark was going on the trip too. Perhaps going to Boise together would have helped them work out their issues. His best friend. His sister in law. Derek had thought...he'd thought that the whole trip might be fun for Lexie. Fun.

Meredith would never forgive him. If she lived. He'd never forgive himself.

"Dude," Alex Karev was leaning in the doorway, unnoticed by Derek until he spoke. "You should be asleep."

Ignoring the other man's statement, Derek desperately asked, "How's Meredith?"

"She'd want you to sleep too," Alex ducked his head sheepishly, cramming his hands in his pockets. "She's out of surgery. They stopped the brain bleed. Stable for now."

"How did she respond to the preliminary neuro exam?"

Alex swallowed, "She has a good chance."

Derek didn't need optimism or platitudes, "How did she respond?"

"68th percentile."

Not the worst. Not the best either.

"Yang somehow swindled them into letting her and Mer share a room. nun's are pushovers," Karev said awkwardly. They'd never really had that close of a relationship, Derek realized. Alex had become part of his life, in much the same way Cristina had. They were both a part of his wife. Like the three of them were a package deal. For better or for worse.

"Hunt's with them now. It is what it is right now. She's alive. Flexing her fingers. And now her brain isn't swelling or whatever anymore..."

Derek took a deep shaking breath and leaned back on his pillow. He flexed the fingers on his good hand. He couldn't lose Meredith. He couldn't afford to lose his wife and his career. Not the two loves of his life. Meredith and surgery. What would Zola be left with? A shell of a man.

"And how are the others?"

"Well," Alex replied. "Robbins...lost her leg, but her prognosis is actually pretty good. Well...not exactly...I just mean-She's not gonna die. They're monitoring for infection. Cristina's doing okay. Her shoulder should take a few months to heal."

"And Mark?"

"Sloan's not good."

"I wouldn't think so," Derek replied, blinking rapidly. He'd seen Mark's injuries up close. His bottom lip quivered. He couldn't imagine facing what his best friend was facing, on top of all that. Knowing the person he loved most was dead. And if Mark died too. Derek didn't know how he would live with himself. Because the fact that they'd both been on the plane was entirely his fault.

"You okay?" Karev said quietly after a few moments of silence.

"No."

"Try to get some sleep, dude. I'll be back," Alex said, gulping uncomfortably, as he turned to leave.

Staring blankly at the room around him, Derek didn't reply. He didn't sleep either.

* * *

Jackson reached his hand to April's knee and watched as she struggled to formulate her question. He felt like he was understanding her in a whole different way. She was still very much the person he knew, and maybe...She was still the person he knew and loved. But her faith seemed to inform much of the April he knew. Her faith as much as her home. He had to wonder about Moline. Just a little bit. He'd always been a city boy himself. And from his perspective, right now, cities seemed a little better.

But Jackson actually thought that April grappling with her beliefs was a good thing. The Avery's had never been at all religious, but he did have relatives on his mother's side that were pretty hardcore something. Came from the bible belt. He could remember his Grandma Fox telling him when he was a kid, "Everybody have to find their own path, Jackie. Don' you just go blindly listenin' to what some fool tells you. You believe what you what you know to be true! What you figure out wit' ya own mind. It's gon' take longer, and it's gon' be harder, but thinkin' for yo'self is the only way you really grow."

She'd been talking about God and churches back then, and she'd probably only said it because, as the 'pretty one', his family had thought he'd be the most susceptible to blind belief. But Jackson had taken it to heart. He'd always tried to stand on his own and make his own decisions about things. He thought April was on her way to doing so too.

And most of all Jackson was happy to know that in the midst of all the confusion, insecurity and self doubt he'd heard his best friend talk about so far, the one thing she'd admitted to being  _absolutely_  sure about was the fact that she didn't regret having sex with him. He figured this had to mean something for them. And he wanted to believe it was good. He chose to believe that. When April finally spoke, it all came out in a rush.

"Jackson...why did you...I mean, I know I kind of," she lowered her chin and flushed deeply. "I kind of j-jumped you, but why do you...let me? I mean...I know you didn't really want to- and..."

"Who says I didn't want to?"

April jutted her jaw forward and tilted her head to one side sternly, "It's not like you were ever interested in me...like...like  _that_  way. I know that. I just...was it-did you do it out of pity?"

"No," Jackson answered firmly, taking her hand back in his own. He continued, "I have to tell you, April, I know you won't believe me...but confidence? It  _really_  works for you."

Her brow furrowed in confusion, "What?"

"You worry all this stuff about being too weird and all that. But sometimes you don't care and you're just like, 'Screw it.' " Sometimes literally. A faint smile pulled at his lips as he remembered the times when April had had enough and just let loose.

"Like when you punched that guy. Or when you, when we...well... when you are confident, it is a thing to see. It's hot. It's beautiful. I know you don't think I mean it, but I do."

"Well...thanks."

They stayed silent for a moment.

Jackson pursed his lips, "I...the first time...I did it for friendship."

"For friendship? How does that even make sense?" April narrowed her eyes.

"For friendship. Because that's what you needed right then. And...I'd do anything for you. I love you."

The look on her face. Her eyes widened, and darted over to him for a split second before she seemingly pulled herself back, sinking into the pew and mouthing 'only as a friend'. Jackson swallowed. She had no idea. And how could she? He hadn't had much of one either until this morning. In fact on some level he hadn't known until this very moment. Jackson's love for April had snuck up on him so easily that it seemed effortless. Like it had always been there. And unconscious an act as breathing. April sniffed and blinked rapidly.

He ran his thumb on the back of her hand, making slow small circles. He realized that for some reason, he couldn't resist the motion. After another moment of silence Jackson spoke again.

"And the second time, I did it...because I wanted to. I wanted you. I  _love_  you."

At the deliberate emphasis he made on that word, April's mouth opened. She went to speak and then did a double take. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish and she stuttered, "Uh, do you- you don't mean...you  _can't_  mean...you  _love_  me..."

"No...no," April continued, beginning to talk herself out of the very possibility that Jackson might love her. "You-you're confused. Because...of all this. Because of Lexie. Because we slept together. Guys like you...don't pick girls like me."

"I do! I'm not confused. I'm thinking clearly for the first time in a while."

Jackson realized that he was. He knew that he didn't love Lexie. Not like this. It wasn't as effortless as breathing. Not matter how sad he was that she was gone. His feelings for April were unlike any he could ever remember feeling before. And he was laying it all down on the line right here. Right now. Because it was like Sloan said. Don't wait. No one knows how much time they have.

"I think we shouldn't ignore what happened," he pressed on. "I've never felt this way...there's a spark! April, a spark and time isn't something we can count on. People wait and wait and never say how they feel because they always think there will be a tomorrow. They think a better time will come along. But you know what? We both know that tomorrow might not always be there. So I'm telling you, if you could ever...if you think could ever feel the same way...I think, maybe, me and you...we should try. "

"Try. Try..." she repeated the word over again as though she was trying to wrap her mind around it. Get her mouth used to the word. Her mind used to the concept. Jackson chose to count the fact that April didn't say no right away as a good thing.

Finally, she asked, "Are you saying you want to date me?

"Yes."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"You really mean it?"

Jackson reached over and pulled her into a deep kiss. April responded for a moment and they both got a little bit lost and then Jackson groaned as April pushed back from him.

"We're in a church!" she hissed.

"Chapel."

"At a hospital," April continued indignantly.

"Do you believe me now?" Jackson grinned, in spite of everything.

"Yes," April replied slowly. "Okay...we can-I mean after this...when we're not... _here_ ," she purposefully glanced around the dim chapel. "We can try...me and you."

"Me and you."

Jackson couldn't really believe it. Taking Sloan's advice had been a bit of a gamble. A risk. Especially with April. But somehow, it had actually worked. Somehow, living in one of the very worst moments in his life, might have opened might have opened the door to the possibility of the very best. He threw his arm over April's shoulder and they rested their heads against each other, taking what comfort they could from the moment. But after a beat, Jackson sensed that they were not alone.

He turned slowly, and his heart sank as he saw Alex standing in the doorway at the back of the room. Damn it. Jackson felt his composure slipping and he held April closer. He turned and looked straight ahead at the altar in the front of the chapel. April turned her head and looked over her shoulder to Alex and bit her lip as she turned to look back at Jackson sympathetically. They all knew. Jackson could tell that much. They all knew, and no one wanted to speak the words out loud. He might as well do it.

"Mark is dead," Jackson stated, unable to stop his voice from cracking. "He's dead, isn't he?"

Karev grimaced and nodded slowly. April took a deep breath and wrapped both her arms around Jackson, rubbing his back soothingly as he broke down a little bit. Mark was dead. He'd never know his last piece of advice to Jackson had worked. He'd never get the chance to see how Jackson did in his fellowship. He'd never even get to see his own daughter grow up. So many nevers.

And right then, Jackson wanted April's faith more than anything else. Because he wanted to believe that somehow, in something after, Sloan had found Lexie. Jesus. They should have that at least.


	5. Chapter 5

_It's such a thin line. The line between life and death. The world keeps on turning when someone dies. Of course it does. But you have to wonder whether that's only possible because the line is so thin. Even the body seems to miss the memo about dying sometimes. Nails and hair appear to grow. Nerves and reflexes kind of work for a while. Relaxing and stiffening muscles have even been known to produce sound. Moans, groans. Without science, medicine, and knowledge we might mistake these responses as signs of life. Really, they are only parts of dying. Sometimes people look like they are asleep. At peace. Maybe it's supposed to make things easier somehow. So the world can on keep turning. So the living have a second to process. Maybe it's just a mystery of death. You have to wonder whether the line is so thin from the dead person's perspective too. It doesn't seem like it would be easy to do. Dying. Your body functions are designed to keep you alive. Sometimes things get so damaged they can't do that. When that happens? What's next? J.M. Barrie makes Peter Pan say that 'to die will be an awfully big adventure'. We can only hope so, because otherwise it's nothing more than crossing over that terribly arbitrary thin line. And then the line doesn't make things easier for anybody. It's just terrifying._

Owen frowned and ran a weary hand across his face as the sunlight of early morning crept in through the hotel blinds. Lexie and Mark. Dead and gone. It wasn't fair. He'd sent them on what he thought was a simple chance to help some patients, and another hospital. He'd booked the charter flight himself, which his secretary would normally have done. But he'd made sure to do it himself because he'd been close to this group. Because Cristina was in this group. Owen would never have dreamed that it was possible he was sending them to their deaths.

He watched as Sofia twisted a little in her sleep. She was completely unaware of how drastically her little life had just changed. Her father had died. He'd never teach her to tie her shoes or ride a bike. He'd never scare the crap out of her first boyfriend. He'd never walk her down the aisle. Things had changed forever for her living parents too. Robbins had had to have an amputation. Her leg was too damaged to salvage. And so, Owen supposed, it didn't look like Arizona would be the one to teach her daughter to ride a bike either,

Gulping he looked from one little girl to the other, tilting his head to one side. Zola slept on too, somewhat more peacefully than her little friend. She'd been the crankier of the two. Not that things in her life were any less altered. She'd lost her aunt, her father's hand might never be the same, and her mom had had surgery for a brain bleed, and had yet to fully wake up after surgery. It was a terrible day for both of them, and they didn't even know.

Standing up, Owen quietly went about making a crappy cup of hotel room coffee. It was hard for him. To take care of the little girls like this. It was hard. There was no way to stop his mind from contemplating what his own child would have been like. They'd have been a few months old by now. If Cristina hadn't gotten the abortion. They'd be alive too. He was still glad that his wife had survived the plane, but thinking about the child that they could have had was impossibly painful. So, childminding was hard for Owen.

At the same time, he knew it was something he had to do. Cristina was stable, and had fallen asleep as soon as Mer had been brought into their shared room. She didn't need him. Callie was devastated and wanted to be with her wife and Mark, and Alex had seemed to have made it his mission to look after them. And instinctively, Owen knew Kepner was the one who had to look after Avery, even though she'd been the de facto babysitter through this whole ordeal. She certainly could do a better job with Jackson than he would. They were friends. It was hard, dealing with the babies, but he couldn't skirt his responsibility to his people.

Taking a long swig of the bitter coffee, Owen could hear the sounds of one of the girls waking up. He moved over to the portacrib and tilted his head to one side, smiling sweetly at the tiny pair of eyes that met his.

"Good morning Sofia," he said, in a low whisper, as he leaned down and gathered the little girl in his arms. "I wish I could tell you that today was a good day...I wish I could..."

Sofia blinked and yawned looking around the room expectantly. Probably wondering where her mothers were. Or Mark. Today would not be the day that it all hit her. Today Sofia's tears wouldn't fall out of grief. She would cry. She'd cry because she was hungry, tired, bored, or sleepy. Not because her father was dead. But someday, she would grow to understand the significance of this day. And someday she would cry about it. The most he could do was be with her, today, and maybe the day she knew to cry.

Owen sighed and placed a tiny peck on top of her messy tangle of dark hair. He couldn't do anything but take good care of the children right now. He couldn't change the past.

No matter how much he wanted to.

* * *

Alex didn't really understand the need to see people after they've died. He'd never understood the whole 'open casket' thing. What an impulse. Creepy. If the person is dead, then they are gone. Wherever gone really goes. Nothing can change it. He never understood the need to actually see the freakin' corpse. Because that's all it was. A dead corpse. Not the person you knew and loved or whatever. They sure as hell aren't in their body anymore.

But Torres and Avery both wanted to see Sloan. Before the nuns moved him or whatever. Avery had been pissed and fit to cause a scene if they were denied, but no one had minded. Batty old ladies were actually pretty nice to all of them, really. Alex figured it wasn't everyday the hospital got an interesting trauma like a plane crash. This was Spokane after all. Or they were just that nice. What else did they have going for them really? Nuns.

So, he stood at the doorway with Kepner while Torres went in and sat at Mark's bedside. Avery was only a few steps behind her and he walked around to the other side. April exchanged a tearful glance with Alex and he shrugged. They cautiously ventured into the room. They felt out of place. For the very first time in this whole mess, he dared to consider that he was lucky. Because Robbins wasn't dead. Neither was Mer. Or Cristina. His mentor had survived. So had his best friends. The same couldn't be said for Jackson and Callie. The plastics posse was no more. Sofia was fatherless. It sucked.

Torres was a mess. She sobbed, holding her head in her hands. Alex didn't really know how to handle weeping chicks, so he just did what he thought was right. It couldn't hurt. Nothing could hurt worse than this. He slid into a chair next to Callie's and wrapped his arms around her shoulders allowing her to cry into her chest.

"Oh, Mark...I can't believe-I can't..." Callie stuttered, her voice fading into a whimper. "It's Mark..."

"I know."

It was all he could freakin' say.

Jackson looked like he was going to be sick as sat there slumped in his chair. Kepner sat down next to him, offering her open palmed hand on the bed. Avery blinked rapidly and sniffed, starting to shake his head. He curled his hands into fists and laid his face on the bed, visibly shaking. Alex figured he was trying not to cry. Dudes always did that. Well, most guys anyway. He was trying his hardest to keep his emotions in check himself, and he hadn't even been that close to Sloan. Alex squeezed Torres's shoulder as April leaned forward and started to rub Jackson's back.

That must have done the trick because the next moment, Avery was balling like a bitch baby. And where before, Alex might have ridiculed him for it or judged or whatever...Boo-hoo pretty boy and all that. But the thing was, Alex knew he'd be even worse if it was Robbins in this bed. It had come so close to happening that now he understood. He figured, if you could let it all out, it was probably better.

And that's what it was like for Alex didn't know how long. Could have been minutes, could have been lifetime. Torres and Avery crying. Everyone sitting with their pain. He just kept holding on to Callie. He rocked a little from side to side, thinking about his memories of Sloan all through the years. He'd been a good guy, underneath it all. No matter what anyone said. He was good at heart. He'd kept Alex alive during the shooting. He'd owed Sloan for that. Alex was so lost in his own thoughts that he barely registered a quiet murmured conversation between Jackson and April. He only noticed, when Callie straightened up a little to listen.

"I..." Jackson held a fist to his mouth, as April squeezed his arm. "I never told him thank you. He was such a good mentor. He always had my back...he helped me so much and-I never told him..."

Callie sniffed and took a deep shuddering breath, "He was such a good Dad...I...he was always there for me...even when he shouldn't have been. And what did I do? Make fun of him...tease him about Julia, Lexie...all of it. But he was such a good father. We never said- "

Alex let his eyes glide over the figure in the bed, focusing instead on the knitted blue hospital blanket that covered Mark Sloan as he slowly lifted his gaze to April's on the other side of the bed. She was looking looking at the body, as she lay next to Jackson, half on the edge of the bed. She continued to rub his back, and glanced sadly to Alex's gaze before returning to look at Mark. Torres grabbed one of his hands and gripped it tightly. It was weird. Alex still didn't really understand the whole need to see a dead person. He didn't.

"He doesn't hurt anymore," Avery said quietly. "He looks peaceful..."

"He does," Kepner agreed, her voice wavering slightly, barely above a whisper.

Callie's lip quivered and she nodded. Jackson seemed to be getting a better handle on himself, because he sat up from the bed and whiped his eyes. Alex swallowed and shifted in the uncomfortable hospital chair, still unwilling to look at the body of the man he knew. He was determined to look anywhere but the bed. The blankets, his hands, Callie's hands, Kepner, his shoes. Anything but Mark. Because, it was stupid. It was just a body. Mark Sloan was gone. And sitting here with his lifeless shell didn't mean a damn thing to him. It didn't. He was only here because of Avery and Torres.

Behind him, Alex heard a knock at the door before it quietly swung open. A few orderlies and a nun all slipped into the room, and he could feel Callie stiffen.

"No!" she whispered, growing in intensity. "No. No. No."

"I'm sorry," the nun said sympathetically. "But you'll have to finish saying your goodbyes; we need the room...you can take one more moment..."

"No..." Callie whispered in defeat.

Carefully, Alex helped Torres shuffle unsteadily to her feet. He kept a hand on her elbow and an arm wrapped around her waist. They'd come. They'd seen. They'd wept. Time to get out. More moments would only lead to more pain. But Callie and Jackson seemed reluctant to leave.

"Maybe..." April spoke softly again, still resting her arms on Jackson's shoulders as he stood up too. "Maybe, you should tell him now. All those things you never said...say them now."

Of all the half brained, asinine, crazy, Jesus Freak type things to say. What the hell good would it do any of them to say that crap to Mark now? After he was dead? Big freaking deal. It was a suggestion as strange as wanting to see a dead person, and Alex didn't buy it. He tried not to glare but April must have sensed his skepticism because she ducked her head and bit her lip.

A lot of freakin' good it would do Sloan. Dead, he could never hear anything anyone said.

"Uh," Kepner kept talking, surprise surprise, only this time, the way she was leaning forward and everything, Alex was damned if April wasn't addressing the body. "Um...Dr. Sloan, I...you...were never afraid to be yourself...even when it wasn't e-easy...I'm never going to forget that. And I'll try to take a lesson from it."

She swallowed and gave a quick little nod, taking a step back from the bed and looking at the rest of them with this freakin' wide eyed intensity. What crap. He was about to say something to call it out when Avery cleared his throat and began to speak.

"You always let me stand on my own merits...even when I didn't have them. You were...Damn it!" Jackson paused, and closed his eyes. "You saw me for more than just my name. And you gave me some of the best advice I've ever had. So...th-thank you."

Avery curled his fingers and slid his hand across the bed to brush Sloan's knuckles. One final fist pump.

They were screwing, Alex told himself. They were screwing, so of course Avery would go along with Kepner's weird little ritual. Because even in a time like this, it was worth saying on a girl's good side right? If there was any possibility of more screwing. That had to be it. Avery was just covering his bases. That was all. He looked at his shoes and went to guide Callie away from the bed to the hallway, but Torres didn't move. Instead, she too began to speak, leaning over the bed.

"Mark? You were the best friend I have ever had...and...the best father Sofia could have had...You were, and I promise...I promise she'll always know how much you loved her..." the tears started to fall again. "We'll always tell her. Always."

Callie lifted a shaking hand to her lips, pressing a small kiss on her fingers before brushing them across Sloan's forehead. Then she stood up straight and turned back to face Alex. He scowled and shrugged his shoulders, uncomfortably aware that everyone in the room, from Torres, Kepner, and Avery, right down to the orderlies and the nun, was looking at him expectantly. If he was looking and didn't know any better, Alex wouldn't have been surprised to find freakin' Sloan looking at him that way too.

What the hell did they expect him to do?

It was only when Alex could feel all their eyes burning into his that he allowed his eyes to finally look at Mark. It was surprising but...he did look peaceful. The last time he'd checked in on the room, before it was over, Sloan had been thrashing around and in pain. Calling out for Lexie. Now...it was like the dude was just resting. Maybe he'd found Lexie. And some peace. Alex hoped that in the end, that's what death was.

"Um...you uh, saved my life once..." Alex swallowed at the onslaught of unwanted shooting memories that filled his mind. He did not need to be dwelling on that crap right now. All he'd let himself think of was the fact that Sloan and Lexie had saved his freaking life. He cleared his throat and continued,"You and Lex...saved my life. And I don't think I ever told you...well, thanks or whatever. So...thanks...I, uh, hope wherever you are now beats this joint."

Callie nodded and moved for the door, as Jackson and April quickly made their way around the bed. Alex still didn't get it. He didn't get what had just happned. Because...it was weird. Visiting a dead body to say goodbye, right? He didn't understand why...why suddenly he felt a little better. A little lighter. Maybe it wouldn't do Mark Sloan any good. Saying stuff out loud. But now Alex could see that saying that stuff out loud was good for them. For Jackson. Callie. Even himself and Kepner. If he believed in that Oprah full cirlce life moment crap, he'd say that that is what it was. Closure or whatever.

One of the nuns nodded to them as they all rose and filed out of the room, "We'll be good to him..."

Torres sniffed and nodded, and Alex tightened his grip on her shoulders. They all shuffled through the doors into the hallway and lingered outside the door for a minute.

"Avery..." Callie whispered hoarsely. "You know...Mark never really wanted to teach anyone until...until he started teaching you. He was so proud of you going to Tulane."

Jackson's jaw muscles twitched, and he looked like he was gonna shake his head before he finally nodded in thanks. Kepner held on to Avery's hand, whispering something Alex couldn't make out in his ear, before they turned and headed down the hall toward the near empty waiting room. Watching them go, Alex gave April a small nod of approval. She had Avery covered. He'd deal with Torres and Robbins. It was strange, because Alex hadn't exactly cared for Kepner, Avery, Mer or any of them really in the beginning. He'd been in the game of residency for one person and one person alone. Alex Karev.

But somehow over the course of all the crap that had happened to them, the cancer, divorces, shootings, the freakin' crashes...somewhere along the line they'd all become a team. A family. And while he might not have picked these suckers to all be a part of his family, it was a comfort to know that everyone had everyone else's back. Robbins would need it. Torres. Shepherd. And Mer. His own responsibility or whatever, wasn't as back breaking. Or as lonely.

"Alex?" Torres turned her red rimmed gaze to Alex once again. She looked lost. "I don't know what to-Mark is dead...I don't know how to be here...when he is dead. I don't know what to do or where to go."

He could only look at her with a pained expression. That was thing. You don't really know how to live without someone you love until you actually have to live without them. Alex knew that well enough. There's no instruction manual. No way to practice in advance. And nothing that can make the loss feel like anything other than a punch in the gut. All he could think to do was to remind Callie of what she had not lost.

"Hey," he said. "Why don't we go sit with Arizona for a bit, huh? She's close to waking up..."

* * *

Jackson felt...he couldn't exactly describe how he felt. He'd gone through the cycle of grief entirely too many times. He felt felt like his emotions were just a raw open wound. He'd gone from being well, if not happy, hopeful about taking a chance and dating April. An action he'd largely taken as a result of his mentor's advice. But now Mark was dead. And Jackson had gone through virtually every possible response he could think of feeling. He was still reeling from the whole thing. He'd felt anger, denial, disbelief, and distress. Jackson had known Sloan was bad, but he'd held on to the hope that his teacher and friend could pull through and make it. It was an almost unbelievable concept that Mark hadn't.

Mark Sloan died today. He died. To Jackson, the world wasn't quite the same.

Seeing Sloan had really started to make him fully understand that it was all true. That it wasn't some sick and terrible nightmare. Jackson had gone in the room in a haze of disbelief. Hadn't it only been mere hours ago that he had sat in this very room, with Mark alive? Sloan had been out of it. In pain. Unconscious. Crying out for Lexie. But alive. He wanted to believe that being alive was better than being dead. And yet, looking at his mentor lying in the bed now, he had to admit that it was calming to see that the lines of tension, hurt, and fear were gone from Mark's forehead. Whatever agony he'd been dealing with when Jackson had last seen him, it was all over now. And that was something.

But Jackson still couldn't quite shake his feelings of guilt. He'd never told Mark how much it meant to him to have Sloan's support as a mentor. Sure, in the beginning their relationship and dynamic had been uneasily wrapped up in their feelings for Lexie. But as it had gone on, Jackson knew that he'd learned so much from his mentor, and not just about being a surgeon, but about life and being a man. Sloan had pushed him, in a lot of ways, and that was exactly what he had needed. With Mark, Jackson had never slid on the coat tails of Harper Avery. If his sutures weren't perfect, Sloan made him do them over until they were. If something was off in his game, Mark would always do his best to make sure that Jackson fixed whatever was wrong. He'd always gone to bat for him and Jackson would never forget that.

All these things he'd never told his mentor, of course. People don't really say important things to people while they are alive. Jackson thought he'd learned the error of this habit in the shooting. But this had driven the idea home in his mind. Because of Sloan he'd found his true calling as a plastic surgeon. How can you say thank you for that? He owed Mark. And that got Jackson thinking.

Through it all, the stunned realization in the chapel when Alex had come with the news of Mark's death, to the desolate feeling hospital room, to the waiting room afterword, April had been there by his side, holding his hand. She was a constant support, and Jackson knew that his decision to finally breach their awkwardness and talk about everything was a good call. The only way he'd ever get through all of this was if he knew that they would be together. They were together. The two of them.

It was easier to face stuff, when you knew you had the person you loved to help you get through it all. He owed Mark. Jackson felt another pang of sadness as he thought of Sloan and Lexie.

Now Jackson and April sat, side by side in the severe looking green waiting room for families at the hospital. St. Johns seemed to be a much less chaotic and busy place than Seattle Grace, because even in these very early hours of the morning, the room was virtually empty. Behind them, an older couple sat murmuring quietly and sipping cups of coffee. In the far corner, a middle aged man had put his feet up on the table in front of his row of seats, and placed a newspaper over his head. They could hear his soft snores. Jackson sniffed and rubbed his own eyes.

"Hey," April whispered gently. "Do you want to try to sleep a bit? I'm not sure either of us is q-quite good to drive to the hotel, if you wanted to go back."

"We should stay...see how it goes with Meredith."

"Okay, well there's nothing that says we can't rest here then. "

Forcing a small laugh Jackson glanced at the man across the room and joked, "I didn't grab a paper for my pillow."

"Right," she said, chuckling weakly. "Well, how about you stretch out right here? Try me for a pillow."

April grabbed his shoulders and guided his head to her lap, scooting over on their row, so that Jackson could lay his body down. He might normally have protested. After all, she was the one who had driven the whole way here, and she was his girlfriend, so by the strange rights of chivalry or the etiquette his mother had spent a lifetime drumming into his mind, Jackson thought that she should probably be the one able to be sort of comfortable. But today was hell, and he was beat, so Jackson offered little resistance.

As soon as he was settled, April tentatively began running her fingers through Jackson's hair, carefully massaging his head and temples. The touches were so calm, gentle, and comforting that it eased the tension from his body and was almost enough to lull Jackson to sleep. If only he could keep his troubled mind from racing. From trying to comprehend how, in the span of 48 hours, Lexie Grey and Mark Sloan had both died. He stared up at April through heavy lidded eyes. Grief, concern, and exhaustion were etched across her face, and her red hair had long ago started to escape from the ponytail she'd pulled it into the previous morning. But Jackson still thought she was gorgeous.

She smiled sadly, and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Do you believe they are together now? In...heaven or something?"

Mark and Lexie. Hell, even Reed and Charles too if he really thought about it. They had never gotten a chance to be together in life, it would only be fair if they got that chance in death. It was the one idea that could make the whole unfair situation more palatable for Jackson. The one belief that could make the pill easier to swallow. If he knew that in heaven or the afterlife or Valhalla or whatever came next, Mark could finally be with the woman he loved. It was the only thing that would take any of the sting away from the fact that neither Sloan nor Lexie were alive now to be with the people who loved them.

If he could just believe that; know that it was true, Jackson thought he could sleep. So he was asking April. Because, as he had found out earlier in this crazy long night, his girlfriend was the one of them who knew about faith. She might still be grappling with it, but Jackson thought April was closer to understanding it all than he was. Closer than she knew she was. And he knew he would believe her.

April sniffed and she blinked down at him, clearly a little surprised at Jackson's question. She opened her mouth and her lower lip quivered, as her fingers continued their gentle ministrations against his temples. He thought for a moment that she hadn't heard him, but then she swallowed and spoke in a low whisper.

* * *

"I..." April stared down ad Jackson's red rimmed, sleepy, beautiful eyes. She'd always loved how they seemed to change color with his mood. One shade of blue accompanied laughter. A slightly greener tint meant he was feeling goofy. Still another mix meant he was angry. And this hue meant that he was lost. Sad. The way he was looking up at her, almost desperate. Like he needed to believe her. How could she tell him she wasn't 100% sure?

"Yes," she said finally, looking up across the near empty waiting room. "Yes, I think they are."

April stared down at Jackson's pleading gaze, hoping that he was satisfied with her answer. She didn't know how to answer him. As his girlfriend? His best friend? Was there a difference? She was still confused about what this all meant. Them, her faith, all of it. How could God take away Sofia's father? Callie's best friend? If those completely unfair things could happen, April wasn't entirely sure how God could make it balance out in heaven. And yet, inexplicably, she still found herself believing in it. As confused as she was, she did believe, even if she couldn't explain why. Maybe she only believed because she hoped so, but she couldn't let it go. April wanted to believe that Mark and Lexie, Reed and Charles, everyone she'd ever lost, had gone to a better place. Together. So she did. She chose to believe, despite all her uncertainty.

The Jesus of her childhood would have made sure of it all, and right now that was enough. Uncomplicated belief.

April continued running her fingers through Jackson's tightly curled hair. She didn't really know that anything could make him feel better. Her words seem to relax him. He smiled solemnly up at her, before he closed his eyes, and his breathing started to even out. Good. April thought maybe the best thing for both of them would be a dreamless sleep. She moved one elbow to the armrest, and rested her chin on her hands, letting her own eyes close for some rest.

Sleep must have actually pulled her under, because the next thing April knew, she was being pulled awake by Jackson's quiet voice.

"April?"

She snorted embarrassingly and startled awake, yawning, "Wha? What?"

"April?"

"Yeah, Jackson?" she replied more coherently as she rubbed her stiff neck.

He was looking up at her again. Only this time his eyes were steely and determined.

"I can't go to Tulane."

April honestly wasn't sure that now was exactly the best time to be making any more big decisions about things. She still wasn't really sure that making the decision to date last night had been the best thing either. She didn't know. Everything was moving too fast, and maybe Jackson should just sleep and let things stew for a bit. Take a break from trying to figure it all out. She understood his point about time being something you can't count on. She understood it even more now, given everything that had just happened. But April thought that maybe sometimes, you should give everything a moment. Let time work things out. It was kind of like...cooking or something. Life had a recipe as much as any dish. And some parts needed time to brew. If you rushed, the food would taste bad. But April didn't know how explain that to Jackson.

"I can't go..." Jackson continued, slipping the fingers of one hand into April's. "I need to stay here. Help everyone out. Sofia...I kind of know what it's like...I mean she won't remember Mark...it'll be good for her to be around as many people as possible who remember him."

Oh. April mentally kicked herself. Of course.

"Your Dad died when you were 9 right?"

She hadn't considered that he would connect this loss with the loss of Dr. Julian Avery. Which was a stupid oversight, now that she really thought about it, considering there was a strange paternal aspect to the plastics posse. It must make the loss feel even worse.

Jackson never really talked about his Dad, which was revealing, considering how much he spoke about everyone else in his family. He'd told April long and animated stories about his crazy meddling mother. He'd told her about his latent feelings of inferiority when compared to his successful brother and cousins. He'd told her about the way he'd once tried to find and hold onto a facial expression that made him look less 'pretty' around his grandfather, so the old man might take him more seriously. Jackson had told April these stories and more throughout the course of their friendship. But he'd only told her once or twice about his father. April still only knew about the surgeons brief fight with cancer from the internet. Jackson had never told her himself how his father died.

His eyes narrowed and his jaw set. Jackson swallowed, "Yeah."

April rested her hands on either side of his face. He was so perfect. From his eyes to his jawline to the faint line of freckles that ran across his nose. Jackson didn't deserve to be so sad. His cheeks were covered in stubble. He needed a shave. Her heart ached for Jackson. She didn't know what say. There wasn't anything she could say.

"So...I'm not going to go," he said finally. "I wasn't exactly excited to leave anyway, and now...well, I never wanted to leave you to begin with."

And here was the conflict again. The place where she was torn between being best friend, which April had been for years, and girlfriend, a position she'd occupied for all of what? 5, maybe 6 hours?

As best friend she knew she should probably be telling Jackson that Tulane was a wonderful once in a lifetime opportunity, and that it wasn't worth losing. Not because of guilt or sadness. Certainly not over a girl he'd just started dating. He deserved to have his fellowship at one of the best hospitals in the country. Once, as Jackson's best friend, April would have told him this.

But now? As his girlfriend, April wanted to beg him not to leave her. How could they figure out if dating was the right thing, if Jackson moved away? She would tell him that she was sick with the thought of being apart from him too, and that she didn't want to ever be far from him. Which advice would be better for him? She didn't know. She didn't know how to be. She could only do her best to help support him, and her best hadn't really been up to snuff lately.

Granted, April had yet to work her own life out in any way, shape, or form. Maybe she'd be the one who ended up leaving. The thought made her want to cry. She wasn't board certified. She didn't have a job. Or her virginity. All she had was a shattered ego, a lost sense of purpose, and a plane ticket back to Moline.

But April was sleepy and Jackson was distraught and she didn't want to dwell on any of these worries right now. With the plane crash, and the losses of Mark and Lexie, the change in her and Jackson's relationship, and her confusion about practically everything she'd ever believed. It was just too much.

So April sighed, and ran her fingers across Jackson's lips, silencing any further words.

"Hey," she whispered. "There's n-no need to make any big decisions right now, you know? We can just sit here."

Jackson laughed, nodding, as he curled himself closer in her lap, "I love you, April. Believe me when I tell you I do."

"I..." April stared down at his sincere gaze. Things were probably moving too quickly and she hadn't really stopped and took the time to think or sort out what she was feeling at all, and it was probably not a good idea at all to just let it blurt out without really organizing it or figuring out what it meant. But, April was sure about this. She was, regardless of how out of place it might be to say right here and right now. Even though Mark Sloan had died.

Mark Sloan who had maybe sort of put the idea of...well, being more than study buddies out there as a viable thing. Until he'd harassed her about it, April had thought that the idea was only a pointless fantasy in her own mind. But then he'd seemed to have thought it would be a good idea, for whatever unscrupulous reason. And looking back April wondered whether that was the moment when she'd began to slide from her distant pining to a deeper lust. The kind of lust that would drive her to jump Jackson outside her hotel room door. She could never tell Jackson about Dr. Sloan though.

And besides Jackson had just said it. So why couldn't she just be honest also? It wasn't like saying it would disrespect Sloan or Lexie or anyone. She didn't think he'd bite her head off for it. And it was the one thing April was completely certain about.

"I...I love you too."

* * *

A slow and steady throb was the first thing that Meredith was aware of. She couldn't be certain where it was coming from, or what it was, but the throb was constant. Gradually, she become more aware, and she could identify it as coming from her head. It was her head the seemed to beat like a drum at regular intervals and wouldn't let her remain blissfully unaware. And with her throbbing head identified, Meredith could also recognize a lesser pain in her thigh. And when she thought about her thigh something clicked in her mind and it all came flooding back to her.

Meredith could remember the feeling of glass and metal in her hands as she pulled the shrapnel out of her leg. And the sound of Cristina's voice. They were in a plane. A plane that had crashed. Plane crash.

Plane crash. Plane crash.

Lexie was dead. Her sister. The sister she'd only just started to get to know, and who she'd never really told how much she loved was dead. Crushed beneath the mighty metal of a human made plane. Plane crash.

Derek's hand. Mark's heart. Arizona's leg. Cristina's shoe. Plane crash.

Meredith moaned and tears fell from her eyes. She wanted to go home. She wanted to go home and hold her daughter and live in a world where plane crashes never happened and sisters never died. And your person always wanted you to be their person. She didn't really care where she was right now, as long as it wasn't there.

"Mer?" A voice joined the constant throb of her head, and the low ebb of pain in her leg. Meredith tried to ignore it, but her ability to hide inside her own head was becoming less and less effective.

"Meredith?" Someone was holding her hand. It was Cristina.

She sighed and struggled to open her eyes. When she finally did, Meredith could dimly make out the four walls of an unfamiliar hospital room. So they'd made it out of the woods at least. At least. Meredith blinked slowly and licked her lips, glancing numbly around the room.

"C-ris.." her voice was dry and caught in her throat, so she let the rest of the word die on her lips. Cristina would know. She'd know that it meant that she was in tact. Recognized her friend. Understood where she was.

The hand that was wrapped around her own gave a tight squeeze. Her friend blinked at her tearfully and the corners of her mouth twitched.

"Mer...Mer, I-I'm so glad you're awake."

There was a depth to the sentiment that ran far deeper than the surface meaning of those words, Meredith knew. And while she couldn't gather enough strength to speak clearly again, she could move her hand. So, she worked to carefully move her fingers against Cristina's hand. Not quite a squeeze, but Cristina would know.

Her person, let out a shuddering sigh, and a full smile spread across her face.


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

_They say no man is an island. But when you are in pain, a lot of the time it feels that way. Tragedy hurts. No two ways about it. You can't shut down your feelings for a moment. You can't get a reprieve. And it can feel very lonely. But it also holds to power to refocus things. To make a person take pause and realize the good in their own life. The luck that they might not have seen before. Tragedy has the power to build bridges between people. It can bring the most unlikely people together in the most surprising of ways. And those bonds help you deal with the pain more than anything else.  
_

April drifted in and out of sleep, lurching from uneasy dream to uneasy dream. She thought she saw Mark and Charles. Lexie and Reed. The mother who died because of her mistake. The little boy who'd lost his mother. Her old pastor from when she was a kid and all of Moline looking down on her and judging her for her sins. Catherine and Harper Avery not looking at her at all. Other forms she couldn't identify.

Her position in the waiting room chair didn't allow April to sleep very deeply, so she was also vaguely aware of what was going on around her in the waking world. She could make out Jackson's soft snoring, the sound of a janitors cart scraping down a nearby hall, and the soft sounds of speech. She couldn't be sure how long she half slept, but that sound of a sharp voice pulled her out of her dreams and made April open her eyes.

"No, I do not want to wait for the surgeons to update me," A dignified but unhappy looking woman with short gray hair spoke in clipped tones to one of the nuns. "I would like to see my son, and I would like to know his condition, and if you can cannot accommodate those two  _simple_  requests, I would like you to find me someone who can."

Jackson shifted on her lap, stirring and sitting up, rubbing his eyes. April yawned, watching numbly as the scene in front of her unfolded. She didn't quite know how to feel. So much had happened. So much death and pain. Impossibly weighty sadness. Also a lot of scary stuff. Jackson saying he liked her stuff. Her saying she loved him back stuff. Terrifying. Glancing to her left, April could see that Jackson was watching her. It made her heart skip a beat, and she could only flash a small smile and look away. Across the room the nun looked at the other woman sympathetically and gestured to the waiting room.

"The night staff is switching over to the day shift. I'm sorry. Someone will come out shortly to update you about your son, Ma'am..."

The gray haired woman glared, and then her shoulders sagged, and she let the small nun lead her to the row of seats directly across from Jackson and April, "You send someone out as soon as possible, do you hear me? And I'd also like to know what happened to my daughter in law...and...Mark Sloan. I'd like some damn answers!"

April blinked blearily at the other woman, swallowing sharply, and licking her dry lips. Jackson looked at his hands. She'd said she wanted to know about Mark Sloan. Mark Sloan who was dead. She'd wanted to know about him and her son and daughter in law. She had to be Derek's mother. Callie and Dr. Bailey did say they'd contacted next of kin. Jackson seemed to have come to the same conclusion because his frown deepened.

"Um...excuse me..." April began tentatively. "Are you Dr. Shepherd's...are you here because of the charter plane crash involving Seattle Grace surgeons?"

With interest the gray haired woman looked up and said, "Yes! I am his mother, Carolyn. Do you know anything?"

Did April know anything about it? Ha. Oh, yes. April knew all about the crash. And the tragedy it left in its wake. For two solid days she'd been living and breathing that aftermath. A pilot, Mark, and Lexie had died. She'd seen Dr. Sloan. Held Zola as she cried for her parents. Held Jackson as he fell apart. She'd seen the vacant expression on Derek Shepherd's face when he explained his hand injury. Seen the looks on everyone's faces in the past two days. Two days. Hard to believe that so much destruction could come down on all of them in such a small space of time.

"Do you?"

Realizing that the older woman was staring at them, April shook herself tiredly and blinked, "Yes. I do. I work at- I mean, I worked at Seattle Grace a-and-"

Jackson spoke too, "We work with the surgeons who-"

The woman's face was still and becoming agitated, and she spoke sharply, "What exactly do you know?"

"Everything," Jackson said darkly, crossing his arms and making the woman stare at him suspiciously.

"Uh, D-Dr. Shepherd survived..." April replied awkwardly. "His hand is hurt pretty badly, but he's alive."

"Oh, good," Mrs. Shepherd's voice wavered and her shoulder's slumped as though a great weight had been lifted from them. She took a couple of deep breaths and held a hand to her face. April thought she was going to cry.

"And...Dr. Grey...Mark Sloan?"

April winced. She was certain that it made sense for Derek's mother to ask about Meredith, because...well, Meredith was Dr. Shepherd's wife. It still didn't change the fact that two Dr. Grey's boarded that flight. And that only one had survived. And Mrs. Shepherd seemed to know Dr. Sloan, which kind of made sense, because April knew he and Derek were,  _had been_ , best friends and went way back.

"Meredith's Grey survived surgery. Last I heard she was still unconscious...but she should pull through," April stared over to Jackson, who still had his arms crossed, and frowned, knowing there was no easy way to say the next bit. It was hard enough to say it as a doctor when someone's loved one died. It was something else to say it when you knew the person. When you'd seen them."Dr. Sloan...he made it to the hospital, but his injuries where just too severe..."

Carolyn blinked back tears and straightened her shoulders, "Oh God."

"And Lexie Grey..." Blinking back tears, April kept talking because somehow it just didn't seem fitting to speak about Mark  _without_  mentioning Lexie. It wasn't right to speak about losing one without talking about the other with the same breath. Because the one potential reprieve out of this whole horrible situation might be that the pair would be able to spend and eternity together. If heaven were real. "Lexie did not survive either."

"I see," was Mrs. Shepherd's clipped reply. April wondered if the other woman really did see.

There was a pause before Carolyn Shepherd spoke again, "And who are you?"

"Oh...uh, my name is April Kepner."

Finally seeming to find his voice again, Jackson answered also, "Jackson Avery."

Mrs. Shepherd barely acknowledged his comment and kept her steely eyes glued on April, "Miranda Bailey told me that  _you_  were the person in charge of caring for my granddaughter in all of this."

April blinked and shook herself, trying not to flinch under Carolyn Shepherd's sharp tone. Of course the woman would be worried about her granddaughter too, and maybe April should have started with that?

Hastening to reply, April felt her mouth begin to run, "I was. I am...I m-mean, I did. I drove Zola here and everything. S-she's at a hotel with the Chief of Surgery right now. She's fine. Well, she's actually a little cranky, which I think is understandable given the circumstances. She ate okay and she's seen her D-Dad and everything, it's just, it probably wasn't a good idea to have her stay here all night and J-Jackson was sitting w-with Mark until they kicked him out, and I...didn't want to leave him...and Callie was having Owen take Sofia to the hotel too and I just thought-"

Jackson slipped his hand into hers and gently cut in, smiling politely at Carolyn Shepherd. He spoke calmly, "We can give Dr. Hunt a call and have him bring Zola to you if you like?"

"Right...I...thank you..." Mrs. Shepherd stammered. "I think that might be a good idea, but probably not until...after I have seen my son."

"Of course," Jackson replied, squeezing April's hand.

"I'm sorry if I have been short with you...I...I just..." Mr.s Shepherd struggled to speak.

"You're fine," April agreed, finding the courage to speak again without rambling. "It's...just a terrible situation"

"That it is."

They all sat in an uncomfortable silence for a moment, and April held back another yawn. She couldn't help but think that at one time, two years ago, she might have been more in awe of the fact the Derek Shepherd's mother was sitting in front of her. She might have fallen over all over herself to make a good impression. She might have cared more what the other woman thought, and not only because she'd had a misguided crush on Derek once. But because no matter how unsuccessfully, April always tried to make a good impression. Especially with elder people. She almost laughed because a part of her mind still processed that as meaning especially with grown ups. A remnant of her upbringing. But the truth was, now April was the grown up, even if she still, maybe, kind of, wasn't used to thinking of herself that way. And making a good impression didn't really seem to matter as much as it once did.

Carolyn Shepherd took at deep breath and spoke again, looking back to Jackson, "You...you were with Mark? Before he..."

"Yeah..." Jackson swallowed.

"You knew him well?"

"He was my teacher."

"Ah...I didn't know he...was much for teaching..." she reached into her purse, pulling out a tissue, and dabbed at her eyes. Clearly Carolyn Shepherd cared deeply for Mark Sloan, and for more than just being her son's best friend. April could tell that she'd loved him.

Jackson seemed like he could tell too. He slowly stood up from the row of seats and walked across to where Mrs. Shepherd was sitting. Lowering himself onto the space next to her, Jackson hung his head. His brow furrowed and he bounced one leg nervously. Mrs. Shepherd began to weep more heavily, and Jackson reached an awkward hand to her back.

Swallowing hard, he said, "Do you...do you need me to tell you how...how he was? Before he...?"

April beamed. If it was possible her feelings for Jackson grew even deeper. He was a good man. She knew how hard it was for him, with Mark dying and everything. It was hard, but he was still willing to put himself out there to help someone else. It was why April...loved him. She really did. For whatever April couldn't describe how she felt about anything in this very moment, that was the one constant. April loved Jackson.

Crying harder Carolyn nodded gratefully and tried to dry the tears from her eyes, "If you can. It might help. Do you know? I'm not usually one who cries..."

As they began to talk quietly, April felt out of place. She didn't know Mark like Jackson did, or apparently as Mrs. Shepherd did. She decided maybe she could stretch out and try to get a little bit more sleep before it got to be too late in the morning to doze, but a small noise grabbed her attention.

"Psst!"

There it was again.

"Kepner! Psst! Hey! Kepner!"

April's eyes widened as she caught sight of a familiar form out of the corner of her eye. She stood up from her space, leaving Jackson with Derek's mom and striding quickly to the dim hallway. Cristina Yang, sling armed and IV laden, struggled to push a wheelchair down the hall.

"Cristina!" April hissed, unsure why exactly she was whispering, other than the fact that that's how her friend was speaking. "I don't think your supposed to be-"

"Oh, whatever," Cristina said, glancing surreptitiously behind her. "I'm not dying...look: I need your help. Where is Derek's room?"

"What?"

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Meredith is awake. She needs to see Derek. And Sister freakin' Bertrille won't tell me where he is, so I am going to get him. And you're going to help me. Come on, April."

"Oh...kay..."

And that was all. Maybe she was too tired, but April didn't resist when Yang harshly shoved the handles of the wheelchair into her hands. She then sat herself unceremoniously in it and gestured for April to go.

"I'll walk when we head back..."

It wasn't right. Patients weren't supposed to hijack other patients, or enlist others to do so, and move them from their rooms. There were designated visiting hours. Rules for this sort of thing. And yet, somehow in this moment those rules didn't seem to matter. Cristina was right. Meredith and Derek needed to see each other. That couldn't be unhealthy. If April were in Meredith's place...She realized suddenly, if April were in Meredith's place, Jackson would be the person she'd most want. The person she'd  _need_  to see. And, if something went wrong? Well, April was still a doctor. She'd handle it. Sighing and shaking her head, April carefully pushed the wheelchair down the hall, toward Derek Shepherd's room.

* * *

Derek stared blandly at the shapes his feet made beneath the blankets of his bed. He'd yet to sleep. Last night had been one of the most terrible of his life. Karev told him that Mark was dead. Mark was dead, and it was his fault. Lexie was dead, and it was all his fault. His wife was in a coma. His career, as he knew it, was likely ruined. At least he'd seen Zola.

Moving his eyes, Derek stared glumly down at his casted hand. The physical pain was numbed, but he was hard pressed to deny that he wasn't in agony. His hand. This was his hand. He was surgeon and now...he couldn't believe that it might not be possible anymore. Surgery was such a part of himself that Derek could barely imagine his life without it. Until now, he'd had no idea just how much he took for granted. Not just about his hand. If getting shot had been clarifying for him, this plane crash was punishing.

How many times had Derek told patients that bad things just happen? That there is no use in wondering why they happened. Now, it was all he could think about. Why? Why?  _Why?_

The sound of the door opening didn't draw his gaze away from his feet. Derek knew it was only going to be more bad news.

"Derek! Mer is awake. We're hear to get you," Yang whispered, as she gingerly pulled herself out of a wheelchair that was pushed by Kepner of all people.

Too overcome with relief and excitement at hearing his wife was awake, Derek didn't question the strange pair. His wife was alive and awake. Not so bad news after all.

"She's awake?" he questioned eagerly, barely noticing as April pressed a button and his bed raised into a sitting position. "What's her lucidity? Does she-"

"She's in tact," Cristina cut in, using her good arm to lower one railing on his bed.

"You're sure?"

"Do you want to come see her or not?" Cristina said sharply pulling the blankets down off of his body with her good arm.

"He's just checking," April sighed as she moved to his side and helped him move to the wheelchair, taking care not to jostle his injured hand.

"I could walk probably," Derek said lamely attempting to. stand on his own. The world pitched ominously, and he felt himself list to one side, before April's strong grip steadied him. She pushed him back to the chair, wheeling his own IV monitor set up along side.

"I-I don't think it's such a good idea-"

"You're on stronger medication than I am," Cristina rolled her eyes.

Kepner looked back and forth between them, wide eyed, before concluding, "Honestly, I don't think either of you should be walking around really, but Dr. Yang is too stubborn to fall."

The three of them crept into the hallway. Cristina led the way glancing both directions down the hallway before beckoning April to push on. Stealthily, the group maneuvered their way through the corridors of St. John's hospital. Derek couldn't help but think how odd it was indeed. Cristina dragging her IV behind her, and April of all people helping to orchestrate his jailbreak. Mark would have...Mark would have gotten a kick out of it. Lexie too. It was ridiculous. Soon they arrived in Cristina's room, and April wheeled him into a spot next to Meredith on the bed. She and Cristina moved to the other side of the room.

In that moment, all thoughts disappeared from his head, except for his concern for his wife. Meredith looked so frail, and small, laying there in the bed. He slipped his uninjured hand into hers and smiled when she turn her head toward him. Her eyes fluttered open, and her lips curled weakly in recognition when she saw his face.

"Derek..." her whisper was so soft, that it really only sounded like an exhale. The word was only identifiable by the movements of her mouth.

"Hey there."

It was hardly the most suave of opening lines, but Derek figured they both got a little slack for everything. Tears pricked at his eyes, and he just took a moment to look at Meredith.

"Lexie..."

"I know." Derek winced and whispered, "Mark too."

Meredith sniffled, and tears fell from the corners of her eyes. He could only squeeze her hand in comfort. The course of events was terrible all around. And Derek could find no reason for it. Nothing to explain it. Senseless. Completely senseless. So, he just sat, holding Meredith's hand. Derek didn't know for how long.

It was all he could do, even if it wasn't enough.

* * *

Callie ran a weary hand down her face and stared at her wife's sleeping form and setting her cell phone on the bed. She'd just gotten off the phone with Arizona's parents. Daniel and Barbara had just landed at the airport, and were on their way to the hospital. Which was good, Callie knew. It was. She just hadn't been able to tell them on the phone that their daughter was now an amputee. Callie had more practice than most at telling this kind of news than most, but this...this was too much. Especially with Mark...it was all just too much. It would devastate Arizona's parents, just as it was devastating her.

The sounds of Arizona's monitors steadily beeping away, and the soft snores that came from Alex's sleeping form in the chair next to her were the only odd comforts she could find. Her wife had a second surgery in mere hours to mold the...what was left of the leg into a stump that would be easier to fit into a prosthetic. Callie could hardly believe all that had happened. And poor Arizona hadn't fully awoken yet, and probably wouldn't have her meds backed off enough to really be conscious until after her second procedure anyway. She didn't know about Mark. she didn't know about her leg. That wasn't a conversation Callie was looking forward to either. She missed Mark. He always knew what to do. Or rather, he always had an opinion, an idea, when she had none.

Alex shook himself in his sleep and licked his lips. He was being so helpful in all of this. With Mark. With everything. Callie meant it when she told him that she didn't blame him for all of this. Even if Arizona had been in his seat. It would be too easy to do that. And if she was really honest with herself, Callie knew that her wife had been so distraught over Nick that she'd been just looking for something,  _anything_ , to throw herself into. Just so she wouldn't have to think about it. And being mad at Alex for picking Hopkins was something that had been easy for Arizona to do. So, she didn't blame Alex. Because it wasn't him, Arizona would have done something else. Granted then she might still have her leg, but that was hardly Karev's fault. Watching him across the bed, Callie knew that he was blaming himself enough for the both of them. Really, Callie herself felt guilty herself. For not being able to save Nick.

Sighing heavily, Callie shook her head. Guilt was useless now anyway. What happened happened. Mark...Mark was dead. Little grey too. And Arizona was alive. And that was what she knew she had to focus on. Her wife was alive, and no matter how crappy the whole circumstance was, life was better than no life.

The cell phone in her lap rang again, and Callie numbly glanced down to the caller ID, expecting it to be the Robbins again, or Owen with something about Sofia and Zola. She was surprised when her parents home phone came up. Her father was calling. They talked pretty regularly and Callie had been due to call him...the day Arizona got back from Boise...so...yesterday. Damn.

Groaning she lifted the phone her year, speaking tiredly, "Hey Daddy..."

"Calliope?"

Callie blinked, "Mom?"

"Callie...I...I was worried...a, uh, a Dr. Bailey called us...said there was...some sort of crash."

"Yeah," she replied tearfully, unable to hide her feelings. Her mother was the last person Callie wanted to speak to. Not after the way her mother had acted recently. She'd still never held her granddaughter. She'd never been willing to.

"Mark Sloan and...your...your wife? They were on the plane?"

"Ye-es," Callie started to sob. Mark died. Died. And Arizona...and her mother had just said...had her mother just said wife.

"It is serious then..."

"Ha," the laughter didn't reach Callie's eyes. "Yeah, Mom. Plane crash...pretty-"

Her tears came in full force, "Pretty god damn serious..."

Callie could almost imagine her mother's face on the other end of the line. All aloof and tight lipped. Her sinful daughter finally getting venial punishment for her unholy lifestyle.

"Calliope...did...is she? Arizona...did she?"

"Yes...yes. She...l-lost a leg...b-but she is alive."

Callie couldn't bring herself to say the rest. She couldn't bring herself to say that Mark Sloan was dead. Somehow her mother seemed to know.

"So Mark...? I'm so sorry Calliope."

After crying on the phone for a moment, she realized what her mother had said. She was sorry. And...and it had sounded...like...like she'd meant it.

"Oh, Mama..."

"Shh...I'm  _so_  sorry Callie...um...I hope...at least...well...I hope Arizona recovers. I know you love her very much..."

"I do."

Callie heard her mother swallow, "Well...Daddy will call you when he gets home. If that's okay."

"Okay."

"Trust in God, Callie...He...He can lead you through all things. Stay strong...Sof-Sofia...after Mark...she'll need that..."

"Yes, Mom."

"Bye."

Her mother had hung up the phone before Callie could respond. She stared at the phone in bewilderment. Her mother just called her. Her mother acknowledged Arizona as her wife. Said she was sorry. If Callie had more energy she'd spare a thought to all of that. But now all she wanted to do was sit with her wife, and hold her hand until she went to surgery. That and not think about Mark being dead. But deep down, no matter how much she didn't want to admit it, hearing her mother's voice had made her feel better. As inexplicable as it was. After a long moment, Callie lifted her eyes to find Alex looking at her with his eyebrows raised.

"Your mom?"

"Yeah."

"Weird."

"You're telling me."

"Good though."

"I guess."

"It means she gives a damn. Even if it's small."

Callie supposed he was right.

* * *

Jackson sighed as he looked at the woman next to him. Carolyn Shepherd. Derek Shepherd's mother. And apparently, as good as Mark Sloan's. He and Sloan had never really talked in depth about families. Because of who he was, Jackson's family history was and could be well known to anyone who wanted to know a little bit more about the great Harper Avery. He was a footnote on his grandfather's wikipedia page for crying out loud. And Sloan's discussion of his own past always focused more on his 'adult' exploits than anything else. He never talked about being young and growing up. Never told Jackson about his family.

Looking back now, and most especially because he was talking with Carolyn Shepherd, Jackson realized that there had been a hurt there. For Sloan. A deep hurt that maybe influenced him more than Jackson knew, and it might have come up eventually in their relationship if he and Mark had more time. Then again, so many things would have happened, if only Mark had had more time.

Mrs. Shepherd swallowed and said, "So...Mark was hurt too badly in the crash itself...?"

"He had severe internal injuries. I heard they had to do a field procedure on him when he was out there..."

"Oh, my..."

Oh my indeed. Jackson couldn't imagine how bad it had been for all of them. He'd hate to have to do a procedure out in the wilderness, while being injured himself, and he knew that it had to have hurt Mark. Not matter how out of it Sloan was. No way he hadn't felt any of it.

"But he made it to the hospital?" Carolyn asked.

"Yeah, he did. Hung on for most of the night too..."

"Ah. You saw him."

"I sat with him for while. He...he was pretty out of things..."

"I would imagine so."

Jackson didn't really know what else to tell the older woman. Did she know about Mark and Lexie? Would she want to hear that Mark's last piece of advice had probably changed his life? Did she care? He didn't know what else was expected of him, but he did know that he just couldn't not sit here with Mrs. Shepherd. She was someone who cared about Mark, and deserved to grieve for him with someone else who cared. It was a simple thing, but Jackson knew for himself, being with Callie and even Alex and April in the first moments of discovering his mentor's death had made a difference for him. It had made him feel better because they understood the depth of his loss. And because it was their loss too.

"He...loved that girl...Lexie..." Carolyn said suddenly.

"Yes."

What more could Jackson really say than that? It was true. And apparently, even Mrs. Shepherd knew that. It made Jackson feel even more guilty about his own time with Lexie. He'd known that Sloan had a thing for her. Turned out, it was clear to every one that Mark and Lexie loved each other. And so then, his relationship with her was only a waste of time. Time that neither of them had had. Not that Jackson could have known any of that. And he'd liked Lexie. He'd thought it was love, at the time. Now he knew different. April was different.

"I suppose you knew her well too...she was a peer..."

"Yes."

"Did he know that she...?"

"Sloan was with her, so I have been told."

Carolyn nodded slowly, bringing the tissue to her eyes once again, "So he knew."

"Yeah."

"It's hard, to go on alone. When you  _know_  the person you love can never be with you again. It's a terrible thing to know."

Jackson didn't know anything about Derek Shepherd's mother, but he could tell from her words that she spoke from experience. The way her voice hollowed out. The look she got in her eyes. Haunting. He couldn't really imagine that pain. He didn't even want think about it. The mere contemplation of not only losing April, but losing her to death was too much to handle. He didn't think he could do it. He didn't think he'd survive that. Maybe Sloan had felt the same. Maybe, combined with all his physical injuries, it had all hurt just too much.

"Mark Sloan was many things..." Mrs. Shepherd continued. "He was always young at heart. But I'm not sure I'd ever say he was good at hard."

"No."

"The straw the broke the camel's back..."

"He was badly hurt," he shrugged. There really was no way to know.

"Thank you for telling me."

"Not a problem, Ma'am."

Carolyn sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Jackson sighed and leaned back in the seat. The waiting room was filling up with more and more people now, as the early morning gave way to 'sane' morning hours. Watching the other people around them, Jackson had to wonder what reasons possibly drew them all here. Any number of reasons. Not all sinister. Crashes and accidents yes, but also births, corrections, repairs. Good things. Things that help people in the end. He desperately wished that it was the good things alone that people associated hospitals with. Of course, he knew that was never going to happen.

Pulling him out of his thoughts, Jackson felt the phone in his pocket buzz. Taking it out, he carefully read the message from April. Despite everything he had to laugh. Maybe he needed to laugh. He covered his hand with one hand, while Mrs. Shepherd looked at him curiously.

"You can see Dr. Shep-Derek n-now," Jackson said through bursts of laughter. Mrs. Shepherd didn't look amused.

"Um...sorry uh, it's just...April...you know...from before," he said awkwardly.

"Your girlfriend?"

Jackson's laughter turned to coughing. No one had said that, right? And technically he'd only asked April to date him the previous night. In fact, technically, no date had yet happened, so while Jackson realized that he already very much considered April to be his girlfriend, he didn't think it was so clear to the wider world. Still, he marveled at how easily she'd slipped into that role in his mind. It wasn't like with other girls, and other new relationships, where you had to remind yourself to get used to the fact that you were no longer single. This was easy. Just like loving her. Effortless.

"How did you know?"

Something twinkled in Mrs. Shepherd's eyes and she offered him a crinkled smile, that almost disturbingly reminded Jackson of Derek Shepherd, "One typically would not decide to sleep on the lap of a woman they aren't in love with."

"I guess not." Maybe they were that obvious. Or Carolyn was that perceptive.

"Anyway, what does your April say that's so funny?"

"I can take you to see Derek, but he...he isn't in his room..." Jackson felt his laughter returning. It wasn't really that funny. Shouldn't make him giddy. Maybe he'd lost it.

"He's not?"

"April...well, Meredith woke up and wanted to see him, so...April says she kind of 'hijacked' him. Took him to see his wife. The nuns might raise hell."

Luckily, Carolyn seemed to see the humor too because a small smile crept across her face.

"Good for her."

"Yeah. Good for her," Jackson said, rising to his feet and helping Mrs. Shepherd stand. "Let's go see them."

* * *

Alex returned from the cafeteria carrying a bag of chips, a water, and a wrapped muffin. It was an odd time of morning, not quite early enough for them to have gotten rid of all the breakfast type stuff, and not late enough for them to have gotten all the lunch crap out. Whatever. He'd never been particularly finicky about what he ate anyway.

Robbins's parents had arrived and were in the room with Callie, and Alex thought he'd leave. Because there wasn't enough freakin' space in the room. And the second procedure on the leg was in a few minutes, so they deserved family time and all that. And alex wasn't family. Or maybe because he didn't want to face them. Not when Arizona had been in his freakin' seat. Not when her Dad was a Colonel. So, he settled down on a chair in the waiting room, ripping open the bag of chips, and bringing a handful to his mouth. Maybe he was just tired of it all.

A shell shocked looking Kepner, wandered in to the waiting room, nearly walking right past him. She looked a loosely held together as before, but that didn't seem to be the cause of her distraction now. Alex kicked out his foot and gestured to the space next to him with raised eyebrows.

"Too good to sit with me now?" he teased, taking the opportunity to tease April, because...well, no matter what the situation was there always seemed to be some opportunity to tease her. It took his mind of other stuff.

Confused, April sank onto the seat next to him, blinking, "I'm-I'm not..."

Alex through his voice into his best high pitched imitation of Kepner's voice, "I-I'm not...I'm not..."

"I-I think I've been banned."

Crunching on another chip, Alex turned to face April, "Banned?"

"Banned," April ducked her head and blushed.

Oh this should be good. "By who? From what?"

"By the nuns," she slumped in the seat, letting her fingers tap the edge nervously. "From going in to the ward unsorted."

"Why?" Alex snorted. The things Kepner got herself into. It wasn't like she was a threat or anything. She was freakin' crazy, but not the kind of crazy that the nuns needed to worry about. April Kepner's of the world went crazy extremes for helping people, with sticky notes or whatever, not hurting them. It wasn't like she'd shoot up the hospital or whatever. What the hell could she have done to deserve being banned? Maybe her voice grated the Sisters too.

"I kind of kidnapped Derek Shepherd."

"Ha!" Alex guffawed, nearly choking on his food. Seriously.

April slouched and pouted, "It was Cristina's idea."

"Yang's a corrupter..."

"Meredith's awake. They needed to see each other," she said softly, looking down at her hands. Alex couldn't argue with that. He was overcome with a surge of relief in knowing that his friend was not only awake, but had the comfort of her husband too. Because that mattered and whatever.

"You brought Derek to Mer?"

Sighing and shaking her head guiltily, April replied,"Yes."

Alex pursed his lips and nodded. That was legit. The right thing to do. He'd have done it himself, honestly. He shrugged, "Badass."

April smiled half heartedly and they sat for a moment, glad to have some levity in all of this. Alex turned and scrutinized Kepner. She had bags under her eyes and she kept shifting her neck like it was stiff. The hair in her ponytail was becoming more and more messed up. She probably hadn't found a better place to sleep than he had. If she'd slept at all. He was surprised she wasn't with Avery. Then again, Avery probably hadn't gotten himself banned.

"Where's your better half?" Alex prodded.

"In Cristina and Meredith's room. With Mrs. Shepherd," April replied. "And Dr. Shepherd. They...they want to know...about Dr. Sloan."

"Oh. Whatever." He swallowed and ate another chip. That wasn't something he wanted to think about any more. Death and dying. Crap. "When is the last time you ate, April?"

Her eyes went to the ceiling, "Uh...at the gas station..."

"Yesterday?" Alex picked up his muffin and offered it to her. "Here. Eat."

Maybe he wasn't the kind of guy who knew how to deal with emotional crap. He'd offer his shoulder to cry on, but he really wasn't the person who'd encourage that in the first place. He just didn't know how with feelings and stuff. But Alex knew how to look after people. He'd had to look after his family for years, and the habit lingered. He could make sure someone ate and whatever.

April took the pastry from his hand and unwrapped it. He almost laughed out loud when she started to eat it. Muffin top first. She so freakin' would. Alex would just shove as much as he could in his mouth. Different strokes and all that. They chewed their food quietly, and Alex looked at his watch. They'd be prepping Robbins for surgery round about now. Getting her anesthesia in order, and figuring out how to work with the stump. Freakin' A. That could be him. Should have been him. One small decision made differently and it would have been.

Alex tipped his head back and dumped the last crumbs of his chips into his mouth before crumpling the bag into a tiny ball. He sent it sailing across the room in a graceful arc, where it landed in the trashcan. He provided engine sound effects and a little crash sound as the wad fell into the trash. Fell right out of the air. Like a God-damn freakin' plane. His antics earned Alex a funny look from April. Whatever. She talked to herself. Or prayed or whatever.

Leaning back in his seat, Alex realized it was a nice reprieve. Sitting here for a second. Taking a breather from worrying about everyone else. Even if he had to spend it with April. She wasn't so bad at all really. Lately she'd been pretty cool. And with all of this crash crap, April had surprised him. He twisted the lid off his water bottle and took a long swig. Alex smirked. Maybe he knew why she was not so annoying lately.

"Welcome to the club by the way..." he teased, nudging April's shoulder lightly.

"Uh, I'm sorry. What?" April asked, so innocently, that Alex was hard pressed not to laugh. He looked her in the eye and held her gaze, tilting his head to one side. He watched with delight as realization slowly dawned on her face. She flushed a deep shade of red, mouth opening and closing like a freakin' fish. Her eyes flew wide open. Oh this was rich.

"Y-You...h-how do you...you don't know-"

"I'm not wrong."

"Did Jackson? He didn't-" A look of complete horror spread across April's face as she realized her slip up. She looked away from him and held her head in her hands. Alex felt a little bad. She was embarrassed. He just liked to wind her up. And maybe he thought Kepner and Avery's little 'thing' was good for both of them. Or whatever. It certainly didn't seem to Alex like they were just friends with benefits or something. Seemed like there were feelings involved and all that deep emotional crap. Good for them.

"No one told me, I live in the same freakin' apartment as you do," he said, patting her back awkwardly. "I'm not blind. I pick up on crap. Can you tell me there is nothing to pick up on?"

April pouted and squirmed, mumbling quietly, "No. No. Um...I'm not talking about this with you..."

"Hey. I'm not trying to make you feel bad," Alex said, leaning forward so he could see her face. "Not really. Uh, you know...congrats. You got laid. Whatever. You...you could have done worse.  _Way_  worse."

Swallowing, April licked her lips and lifted her eyes to his. They both knew that meant a lot of things. Particularly given what happened,  _almost_  happened, last year when they were both working under freakin' Stark. April could have done way worse. She could have done him. And that would have been a terrible mistake. Alex knew he was messed up. Because of Ava. Lucy. Izzie. All that crap. It was hard to get over. Maybe he'd never get over it.

"I guess so."

"It's true," Alex sat back again, crossing his arms. She looked less uncomfortable now. At least she was going back to eating her muffin.

April smiled faintly, "It is."

Good for them. Really. Something out of all this crap had to end up good. Even for a little bit. Surely the shadow of Seattle Grace Mercy Death couldn't eclipse everybody. It had already ruined enough lives, right? Alex wanted to believe good things could happen to people, for once. Let Jackson and April be the start. Maybe then, they'd all be okay.

"You let me know if he messes with you," Alex said pointing his finger. "I'll kick his ass."

Kepner wrinkled her nose and grabbed the water bottle out of his hands, "I don't need you to defend my honor."

"I owe him one anyway..."

Before water falling a drink, April said,"He's not going to mess with me."

She sounded sure. He figured that meant things were good enough between them. Despite all this crash crap.

"No. Avery's pretty stand up," Alex agreed. "But still...on the outside chance..."

Rolling her eyes, April laughed and shook her head, "Deal."


	7. Chapter 7

_Math tells us that time is constant. It moves at one rate, in one direction infinitely. You can't slow it down or speed it up. You can go back to the past or jump ahead to the future. Time is time. However, if you ask just about any person on the planet whether or not time feels constant, I'm sure they'd disagree. That time seems to fly by at certain moments, and move so slowly it may have well stopped completely at other times. Perception and consciousness are what allow us to understand time. And it's different for everyone at different time. No matter what math says. Years can fly bye, gone so quickly that you blink and they are already behind you. And yet, sometimes a single second can seem as though it will stretch out into eternity. Time is what we experience, as we experience it, no matter what math tells us.  
_

Meredith opened her weary eyes once again, uncertain as to how much time had passed since she opened them before. Looking Left, she could still see the Derek was by her side, camped out in the wheelchair beside her, snoring softly. In the right corner of the room, Cristina lay sleeping in her own bed , with Owen sitting by her side. Derek's mother must have gone somewhere. Or maybe it was night time now. Or maybe it had been the last time she was awake. Meredith didn't even really know what day it was anymore, or how long she'd been unconscious after the crash. She didn't think it was too long though, since everyone seemed to be at the hospital still. Honestly, Meredith wasn't really sure she cared.

How could she? Lexie was dead. Mark too. It didn't matter how long she'd been out. Hours or days didn't change the conclusion.

Her head was killing her and Meredith lifted her hand to her temples, wincing as the movement sent a flare of pain through her head. The accompanying his of pain, was soft enough that it didn't cause Derek or Cristina to stir, though it did attract Owen's attention. Hunt's turned his concerned gaze to Meredith.

"Do you need me to get a nurse?"

Sniffing and resisting the urge to just shake her head because she just knew that would send even more pains through er throbbing head, Meredith swallowed and whispered, "No thank you."

She had done enough neuro to know that there was always some intense pains with injuries like hers and she couldn't really use typical pain medicines anyway because she had a head injury. Meredith knew that she was just going to have to bear it. She actually felt marginally better physically than the previous two times she'd come to. That had to count for something. Even if her emotional self still felt devastated.

"Um..I brought the girls from the hotel. Zola is with your mother in law..."

"Thanks." Her daughter was still safe and cared for. Even that small sense of peace did little to bring Meredith comfort. The pain of it all was just too much to be eased.

Lexie was dead. Lexie. And Mark. But in some ways it was like the magnitude of Lexie being dead was enough to eclipse the loss of Mark. It was like she just couldn't take that much loss in at one time. Which was a terrible thing to feel. Because she liked Mark a lot. And she already missed him too. It was just, it had taken Meredith so long to accept Lexie into her life as her sister. Years. And finally  _finally_ they had made it. Meredith had felt like they'd really grown to accept and love each other. She liked having a sister. She loved it. She loved Lexie. And now...

Meredith felt the tears welling up in her eyes again, and knew she was going to sob. You think you can run out of tears, but she'd found so far that that was not the case at all. She was going to cry and it was going to make her head hurt and she desperately wished it was all just a terrible dream. And the tears did come, the kind of hiccuping, gasping, gut wrenching sort that she'd cried when she was a small child and her mother ignored her, or when her Daddy stopped being around, or when Doc died, or Derek got shot or...when her sister died.

"Lexie..."

She heard the scrape of a chair and soon Owen's pained face filled up her blurry tear filled field of vision. His face looked pained as he tentatively reached a hand to hers. She'd never really liked him much. It was true. Meredith knew it. Hunt knew it. They'd never gotten close. She'd never warmed to him. But, Cristina loved him, and so she'd tried to tolerate him. She didn't think he really understood Cristina. And then he'd cheated, and...well. Meredith wasn't a huge fan of Owen Hunt.

"I..." Owen began to speak, grimacing uncomfortably. "I'm so sorry...it...I never should have sent her with-"

Meredith huffed, partially irritated. Of course he'd go the martyr route. He was positively radiating with guilt. He was going to try to apologize for sending them all on that plane to Boise and everything. Like it was his fault somehow. Like he was that much of an influence on the world that his decisions mattered. Like the whole lot of them didn't take charter flights to other hospitals all the time.

"It's fine. It's not your fault," Meredith whispered.

Even if she did want to blame him. It would be easier. Because really it was just one of those things. An ordinary thing going horribly wrong. Meredith was sure there would be an investigation and all that eventually. They'd examine everything and determine a cause. Pilot error. Engine failure. Fluke. Something. None of it would say Owen Hunt and none of it would allow Meredith to blame anyone. It was just something that happened. Blame couldn't bring Lexie back. And she hated it.

When she absolved him, Owen seemed to relax visibly. He sighed and continued to look at her. They stared at each other for a long moment. Cristina snored away in her bed, and Derek snorted and shifted in his wheelchair. Meredith didn't know why but she found herself opening her mouth and beginning to speak.

"I never even got to say goodbye...I never got to tell her..." That was something that bothered Meredith too. She'd been so worried about Derek, understandably, and she and Cristina had arrived to find Mark devastated and Lexie already dead. The timeline was hazy enough from her head wound, but now all she could do was think that maybe she could have done something differently. Maybe saved Lexie somehow. Something. At least Meredith could have told her sister that she loved her.

"It's so...the plane crashed...it just...crashed...it's not fair."

Owen swallowed and winced, "No. It's totally unfair."

Meredith sniffed and the ache it sent through her head made her gasp. Hunt scratched his neck and sighed, "Unfair things happen to good people everyday. I saw it happen to my friends often enough..."

"In...Iraq?"

He nodded, "In Iraq. It's...you never really let it go. Because it never stops being unfair. It never will."

The turn of the conversation surprised Meredith. Owen never really was one to share his war stories. Sure, she knew enough about his PTSD, and flashbacks and the therapy he needed to get past these symptoms well enough from her friendship with Cristina. Meredith was certain that she'd never heard much about the war or his time as a solider straight from Hunt himself. And why would he tell her anything? It was painful enough for him to deal with. Painful enough for him to let Cristina help him deal with. He and Meredith never really hit it off. What reason could he possibly have to say anything at all to her? It wasn't like she'd wanted to hear any of it before.

And yet now, Owen was sharing. And Meredith was listening.

"I can't say that I know what it's like to lose a sister," he continued softly, the corners of his mouth twitching as if they weren't quite sure what to do with themselves. His brow furrowed and he paused for a moment before adding, "But I've lost friends that felt like brothers and sisters. I know what it's like to love people without really telling them how much they matter to me. I know what it's like to lose them."

Meredith stared straight ahead blankly, "Not quite the same."

"No...I just thought..."

Regretting the tone of her words, she gave a slow tentative shake of her aching head saying only, "I appreciate what you meant."

Hunt shrugged sadly, offering Meredith a humorless tight lipped smile. Derek shifted again in the wheelchair, unconsciously sliding his uninjured hand to Meredith's. She wrapped her fingers around it and held him tightly. At nearly the same moment, favoring her shoulder, Cristina groaned and turned over in her bed, turning away from Owen.

Turning her gaze to Hunt, Meredith whispered, "Does it get any better?"

Owen blinked, and his mouth fell open,"Well...no."

She almost laughed. Of course not. She'd been though loss before. She knew things didn't really get better. They just got different. And Owen was the last person she should be seeking advice from on dealing with trauma. His own, in Iraq, had cost him dearly. He had triggers and accidentally strangled people in the middle of the night, and and was willing to walk scrub mask first to face a gunman for the woman he loved, only to cheat on that same woman a couple years later. Owen, Meredith realized, was possibly as dark and twisty as her. Maybe that was why she'd asked him. Maybe that was why they'never gotten along.

When she didn't reply, Hunt shrugged and moved back to his spot next to Cristina, "Like you said. It's not quite the same."

No, Meredith mused. Their experiences of grief and loss were not the same. But the damage reaped came pretty damn close.

* * *

Carrying a tray in his hands, Alex frowned and hovered uncomfortably at the edge of the table. It was an unfamiliar cafeteria, and certainly an unfamiliar situation. It danced far to close to the realm of being domestic. Daniel and Barbara Robbins, and Carolyn Shepherd staked out in a corner with their granddaughters waiting to eat dinner. Too freakin' family like. With people who had absolutely no reason to so much has consider him a member of their family. Not when their daughter was in his freakin' seat. Not when she'd lost her leg.

But, that didn't seem to matter to them because Barbara Robbins was waving at him, and the Colonel was nodding his head, and even Mrs. Shepherd didn't look completely uninviting. Of course, none of them knew the truth, Alex supposed. And the waving did seem to carry over to Kepner and Avery too, because they stood on either side of him. And no matter how many different ways you cut it, the pair was even less 'family' than he might be considered to be. It was true. Still, Alex felt like he didn't deserve to be there. He wished Callie was here. She was the one person he kind of believed when she said that Arizona getting hurt wasn't his fault. But of course, she opted to stay buy her wife's side. Since Robbins had woken from her surgery and everything. The two of them needed time alone together to process the events of the past few days.

Maybe Alex was just reading too much into things. Maybe the older people in front of him were just being polite. It was just sitting down for eating after all. No one said anything about signing adoption papers, moving in,getting the freakin' will, and changing your last name. It didn't mean anything. And besides, it was too freakin' late now, because the little girls had already seen them, and now Sofia was turned around in her high chair, haphazardly waving what looked like a partially eaten carrot in his direction, and Zola was squealing and grinning at April of all people, and he could hardly just turn around and walk out on them when they were looking at him like that. Sofia appeared to be the crankier one today, not like the drive up, but both girls seemed to be in better spirits after having the chance to spend some time with their grandparents and parents. Well, surviving parents anyway. Alex couldn't turn his back on two little kids. No freakin' way.

So, Alex made his way to the empty spot at the table closest to Robbins' Dad, and settles into his chair. He made his funniest goober face at Sofia, while April and Jackson nervously sat across from him next to Carolyn. He supposed they felt as out of place as he did. At least minus the horrendous agony of guilt on the side. Once everyone is accounted for or whatever, Daniel gave a sort of nod and they started (or continued) to eat. Alex, Jackson and April hadn't really had a proper meal sinse leaving Seattle and it showed. They all began eagerly scooping food by the mouthful. However, it wasn't a happy meal really. Not like freakin' McDonald's where you got a toy and everything was good. The only people who seemed to be enjoying themselves were Zola and Sofia.

Suddenly, the old man Colonel cleared his throat, and started to tap the side of his water glass with a knife, making Kepner jump. His wife looked up from wiping Sofia's face and scowled, but Daniel held his head high until he had everyone's attention.

"I think...I think we should take a moment to recognize everything that's happened..." he said slowly, when the rest of the table, minus the youngest members, stopped chewing.

Daniel swallowed and let his gaze drift to Sofia, "Mourn what has happened. Appreciate what hasn't."

"Oh..." Barbara said fretfully, wringing her hands. "Now isn't really the right-"

"There never is a right time, Barb...I was never a fan of Mark Sloan. I'll admit it. I wasn't I thought...why is he around? He's a sperm donor. He doesn't always need to be here..."

Mrs. Shepherd's eyebrows approached her hairline, Jackson stared at his plate, April cleared her throat, and Alex scowled. Mrs. Robbins ducked her head and covered her face with one hand. Why did people always need to go into these huge platitudes on how they were wrong about people after someone died? And it wasn't like everyone at the table didn't already know. They'd been at the wedding. Lexie had too. It was awkward and Alex was running out of energy to care along with his own guilt and it was just all too much to handle right now.

Even so, Colonel shrugged and continued, "We never thought we'd have grandchildren. Not with...Tim gone. And then Arizona never seemed interested in having them so...we just thought...And Sloan made me afraid we'd lose that. Because as much as I accept my daughter's marriage, I know that the United States law does not and...him being there to me meant that someday I might lose my granddaughter."

Avery's eyes darted up and caught Alex's for a fraction of a second, and he shrugged. Maybe the old man just needed to get this crap off of his chest. Still, it didn't look like Jackson want to hear anymore about his recently deceased mentor, any more than Alex wanted to think about his now crippled one. He still could get over the sick sinking feeling in his stomach whenever he thought about it. Alex knew it was his leg that should be gone. Because it was his seat. He should have been there when everything thing went down.

"I misjudged Mark," Daniel Robbins continued, shaking his head sadly. "I was wrong."

"That's gotta be a first," Alex couldn't help but murmur making Mrs. Robbins snort quietly. Couldn't be that many times the Colonel had admitted to being wrong.

Ignoring the interruptions, Daniel said,"Mark wanted to be there because that's what fathers do. What good parents do. He was a good father. More than I ever gave him credit for and I am sorry. And from what I hear this young Dr. Grey was a wonderful girl too."

Jackson swallowed hard and April sniffed. Colonel Robbins raised his water glass in true military toasting fashion, and Alex and the rest of them were hard pressed not to follow suit. Even though it felt stupid to toast in the middle of a Catholic hospital cafeteria, with two little kids at the table and glasses of water for crying out loud. But never the less they all raised their drinks to the air and listened to Daniel as he spoke again.

"God speed to them both. May they find peace."

"Together," April added quietly and Jackson nodded. Alex couldn't really argue with that sentiment. "May they find peace together."

Everyone nodded and the awkwardness was back again. See, this was why Alex had been reluctant to join with this table. It was one thing if he considered Mer and Torres and Zola and Sofia to be his family or whatever, it was completely different to be around their  _actual_  family. Especially knowing that if he had only been a better student, if he'd just told Robbins about Hopkins sooner, none of this would have ever happened.

Taking a deep breath after several seconds of stilted silence, Mrs. Shepherd cleared her throat and said, "Well, that was...charming...a true sentiment. And on that note...I also really want to thank you three for taking care of my granddaughter..."

Carolyn turned to Jackson, April, and Alex and smiled wistfully, and Barbara nodded and jumped in, "You guys have really helped us out with Sofia and Zola, it's more than having the extra hands...and I mean you didn't have to drive them up here and we're just so grateful."

"It wasn't a problem," Kepner assured, shaking her head with wide eyes. "Really."

"Not at all," Jackson agreed.

The Colonel was fishing around in his pocket, muttering and grumbling to himself before he finally retrieved a well worn and taped together wallet. He opened it up on the table and looked to Alex, "What did this all run you three in gas and food and cash, I am happy too-"

That did it. Alex couldn't freakin' sit here and take money and gratitude and crap for all of this. Not from Colonel Robbins. Because Alex was the reason that Daniel and Barbara narrowly escaped losing both their children. Damned if he was going to let them think he was some...some a guy who deserved gratitude.

"I don't want your freakin' money, okay?" Alex said sharply. Daniel looked puzzled at the hint of anger in the outburst, and April kicked his foot under the table and stared at him with her brows knitted with concern. So what? He was just telling the truth. Slowly the Colonel's face turned from confused to offended.

"I can pay for my own granddaughter's care."

"No thank you," Kepner shrugged. "You don't have to."

"But you kids have been here, missing work..." Mrs. Robbins said kindly.

"Big whoop! It's two days," Alex mumbled. "April's getting let go of anyway."

He instantly regretted going there, because Avery looked like he wanted to kill Alex, and April looked like she was going to cry. It was a low blow, and he knew it. He just wanted to avoid dealing with his role in this crap. The older people at the table were also looking at him, with narrowed eyed. Alex just wanted to freakin' hide. To walk away and leave and forget all of this. Zola was bouncing up and down in her chair while she ate, looking around and moving her shoulders in a little dance to a beat that only she could hear. Hearing Alex speak, she paused and her brown eyes held his gaze and she grinned. He just couldn't walk away.

"Hey man," Jackson tried to cut in.

"Whatever," Alex shrugged. "You two take the god damn money if you want to. I'm not gonna. You did most of the childcare crap anyway...I just hung out and held hands and stuff. I don't deserve-"

"Dr. Karev," Barbara said kindly. "Arizona was always so proud of you. I know she'd appreciate your being here, even more than childcare. Callie says you were-"

"I wasn't," Alex glowered. They didn't get it. None of them. "I don't deserve anything. Not one freakin' thing."

"Alex..." April's foot tapped his shin again, and she was glancing uneasily around the cafeteria.

Daniel and Barbara looked like they were going to push the point further. Alex had to make them see. He had to admit the truth, even if it hurt like hell. Worse. They'd hate him, like he kind of hated himself, but at least they'd get it. They would understand.

"Arizona...it was my seat," he looked at his plate. "It was my seat. I should have been on the plane. Not her."

Silence descended across the table again, and even both the little girls seemed to sense that something had happened. They stopped their chattering and stared at the grown ups around them in obvious concern. Barbara and Daniel were clearly totally devastated, jaws dropping as the full ramifications of his statement settled in. Mrs. Shepherd watched closely. Jackson and April looked grim. They'd both known about the last minute swap, and now they looked sympathetically at Alex, clearly uncertain as to what to do.

The Colonel looked like he had been kicked in the gut and blinked rapidly, finally able to stammer out, "H-how...? Why?"

"I was supposed to go, but Robbins got mad at me because I kept her in the dark about my fellowship...it's my fault. I should have-"

"I bought my husband a watch," Carolyn said calmly, like she was reading a phone book and the table around her wasn't the least bit emotionally tense. The unexpected calm grabbed everyone's attention and she continued casually, pointing to an imaginary accessory on her left wrist. "One of those gold ones with a metal clasp? Large face. Roman numerals. Very distinguished."

Alex frowned and looked at his hands. What the hell?

"Robbers came into my husband's store one night. They...they took everything, and my husband gave them all the cash from the register and money we had in the safe...and...the one thing he wouldn't give up...was the watch..." She nodded sadly, "I bought my husband a watch once...and robbers killed him for it. Do you know? I almost bought him a tie. A red one with silver stripes. Silk."

Gulping hard, Alex slowly raised his eyes to hers. Of all the people, of all of them, Shepherd's Mom would be the one who got it? Alex would never have guessed. She held his gaze, giving him this look of absolute understanding. After a moment she spoke again.

"You don't know how many years I spent wishing I could go back and get him the tie," Mrs. Shepherd's eyes watered and she blinked back tears before sniffing loudly and returning to her food. "But I didn't, and no amount of guilt or remorse can change things. I had five children to raise...a life to keep living. What happened happened. Just like this. Like now. Only time will make things better. Only time will make help you see that this isn't your fault."

Daniel and Barbara seemed moved by Carolyn's words and they weren't looking at Alex like he deserved to be punished. He could almost feel the sympathy radiating from their eyes, even of he still couldn't bring himself to look at them. Slowly everyone began to eat once again, and the tension eased. The chatter resurrected, and turned to lighter things and Alex tuned most of it out. Mrs. Sheperd's words floated around in his head. There were so many scenarios he could come up with, and in the one where he told Robbins about his acceptance to Hopkins sooner she didn't get on the plane. That pretty much made it all his fault, right?

But he had to admit, Carolyn was the first person who'd said it wasn't his fault that Alex actually could let himself believe. Almost. Even more than Callie. She understood. Shepherd's mom had been where he was. So, he did let himself believe. A little bit.

None of this was his fault. Not really. And someday, he might accept that. Just not today.

* * *

Owen stood by the nurses station, patiently waiting for Cristina's discharge papers. He ran a hand down the back of his head and yawned. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this tired. This drained. Not even during his tours in Iraq. It was ridiculous. He was already worn down before the crash. Now he just felt as though the smallest wind could make him disintegrate into a million tiny wispy pieces.

Drumming his fingers on the counter top, Owen waited for the nuns to finish the paperwork. Cristina was the last injured of the group and he supposed he really did feel grateful for that. She'd come out on top in rank with the rest of the passengers who boarded the plane. The other end of the scale was dead. It was exceptionally lucky, and Owen did embrace that. But his relief didn't really give him any release. Because it didn't change anything.

All the problems they had before were still there. She'd still had the abortion. He'd still cheated. She'd still left him. Cristina wanted to go to Mayo before and if anything, now after the crash, she was even more determined to leave Seattle Grace behind. Not that they'd really talked about it. Or talked at all. As usual. So much had happened, and yet nothing had changed between them. He loved Cristina, and he knew that she loved him. That had never been the problem.

But now after all this, Owen was beginning to wonder whether the things he'd thought were problems really mattered in the grand scheme of things. Could he live a life that didn't include becoming a father? Before he would have said no. But now, faced with living a life without Cristina? He had to wonder. And thinking about her moving halfway across the country for her fellowship? It made Owen uncomfortable to think about.

"Um...Dr. Hunt?"

Glancing up, Owen sighed as April Kepner tentatively strode in his direction. He swallowed and quickly checked the nurses station again, not really wanting to face his former student. Where was that paperwork? It wasn't that he didn't like Kepner. He did. He thought she was a genuinely good person. More than a lot of the people he had to deal with in his career. But seeing April brought home the other thing about his life that hadn't changed. He still felt like he was failing in his job, and in a lot of ways his young would be protegee exemplified that.

"Hey April," Owen said finally, when it was clear that paper work was not going to rescue him and April was standing by his side.

The reason he felt like he was failing at Chief stemmed from a lot of things, not the least of which were wrapped up with the whole issue of Henry Burton. Which tied into some of his conflict with Cristina, and subsequent issues with Teddy. Whom he'd had to let go. Blinking belatedly, Owen realized that he couldn't remember whether anyone had told Altman that her star pupil had been injured. She deserved to know. As usual he'd gotten so wrapped up in the myriad of details that constantly seemed to overwhelmed him.

"Can I get the keys to Jackson's car? The Robbins and Mrs. Shepherd need to get the car seats switched," April asked, keeping her eyes anchored to the floor, and making illustrative gestures with her hands. "And then we're probably just going to get some sleep at the hotel, and then maybe drive back to Seattle...Since the kids are all set and cared for and...everyone is stable. We thought we'd go back. Jackson and me."

After a moment April swallowed and added, "And Alex."

Sad that things between them were so stiff that she couldn't even make eye contact with him, Owen nodded and fished around in his pocket for the car keys. Somehow over the course of things he'd ended up switching between driving Jackson's SUV, a his rental car, and briefly the Robbins rental car. Pulling the keys he did have in his pocket, Owen realized that he only had the keys for his rental car. He closed his eyes as he suddenly remembered taking the keys out and setting them on the table at Cristina's bedside. too many pointy things in his pocket.

"Sorry Kepner, I think I left them in Cristina's room," Owen apologized, turning back to the counter. He leaned forward, trying to see where the little nun was with Cristina's paper work. It took him a moment to realized that April was still standing there, hovering, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. He expected her to go get the keys. Instead she was just standing there, holding her phone in her hands and sending a text message.

Owen winced and asked, "Um...are you going to...?"

Her eyes widened and darted up to meet his for a split second before she blushed and looked to her feet again, "Well...Jackson's already with Alex and Callie anyway...oh, by the way Arizona woke up! She's doing okay. I mean, as good as can be expected so Alex says and...well anyway. Jackson can just stop by the other room on his way out here..."

That explanation sounded a little bit weird to Owen, but he didn't have much time to think about it as a small nun returned from the back office with Cristina's paperwork in hand. He smiled in that dutiful fake way that everyone must smile in the face of paperwork, because being rude can lead to hours of headache. As he signed the forms he noticed a rather odd exchange between April and the prim elderly nurse. The nun pursed her lips and glared, making April flush another shade of red and duck her head. When he had left his signature on the dotted lines, Owen handed them over along with the pages Cristina had filled out earlier.

Glancing between the two women he said skeptically, "That's it? Everything is set?"

"Yes," the nurse said finally, after scanning paper work carefully. "An orderly will be there to assist you and your wife shortly."

She gave April one more death glare and walked off. Owen frowned, standing uncomfortably next to his former Chief Resident, utterly uncertain as to how to head to Cristina's room. She was still standing there, and it didn't seem right to just walk away and extricate himself from the situation because his wife was ready to leave the hospital. He still had plane tickets to organize too.

"That's...Robbins waking up is good," he fumbled. "She has a long road ahead of her but..."

"It's better news that we've had..." April said quietly. She bit her lip and added earnestly, "And I don't know what Alex would do if...I mean I've seen how Jackson is...after Mark and I just don't think..."

Owen nodded. She had a point. He didn't know what Karev would do if Robbins had died. The man could be self destructive. Unpredictable. And even if he liked to act like a bad ass, Owen knew he was more good hearted than he let on. And his mentor meant a lot more to him than he would ever admit. The thought made Owen sigh. He thought about his wife's relationship with Teddy, Avery's anguish over losing Sloan, and Alex's devastation over Arizona losing her leg. He didn't really think he'd gotten that close to April. Neither of them had really made the effort. But, as Chief Resident and Chief of Surgery neither of them would really have the time. Owen wondered if he had been the one to end up in the hospital somehow, if April would care as much as Alex or Jackson.

Watching her face now, he thought that she would. Even though they weren't as close as the others. She was here now. And if Owen really thought about it, aside from Jackson and to some extent the Grey's and Karev, April's connections to the crash didn't run as deep. And yet here she was, helping out, as worn down, tearful and, tired as the rest of them, when she really didn't have to be. Mark had taken Avery under his wing both inside and outside the hospital. Teddy had taught Cristina to leave her ego at the door and given her a bucket list's worth of amazing surgeries. Arizona had helped Alex with his Africa project, confidence and bedside manner. Hell, even Torres had given Meredith Grey a study method.

And what had Owen done for Kepner? Told her her job wasn't about making friends? Solider up? She needed careful guidance as much as the rest of them, as much as she liked to be a perfectionist. Maybe she'd needed more. Obviously. She failed her boards. Obviously she'd needed more. Owen had been busy, but he wasn't totally aware of her issues as they'd cropped up over the years. Kepner excelled at the paperwork and teaching side of her job, but she seemed to have perpetually struggled with getting people to listen to her. She wasn't as technically proficient in surgeries as some of her peers, and often didn't have as much time to scrub in and practice. And he'd heard back from colleagues at various hospitals that some of her interviews had come off a little bit...over zealous. And Owen hadn't done anything about it. He hadn't had the time. Not with Cristina leaving him, and the Holly Wheeler case, and figuring out what to do about Teddy. She was a perfectionist right? So he'd assumed she would be fine. Wishful thinking. Easy thinking.

But clearly he was wrong. Or he didn't have the full picture. April had failed. And Owen felt like her failure was his failure. And so a part of him was happy that the budget was such that he'd had to let her go. Just because he wouldn't have to see it everyday. A personification of his failure. A terrible thought, but it was how he felt sometimes. Although, with the crash and everything that had happened, Owen had no idea where things stood with staffing. Still, bottom line, he regretted not being the best teacher he knew he could have been, without all the mess of his personal life this year.

"Well, Chief...you go ahead then, if you see Jackson tell him I'm waiting in the lobby," April stuttered, breaking the silence.

Owen tilted his head, "You can walk back with me, you know. Grab the keys yourself..."

"No," April mumbled. "I can't...I can't go back there without..."She gestured to one of the nun at the nurses station. "Without one of them, and I really don't want to ask again."

"What? Why?"

She sighed and winced, "I...well...moving Derek into Meredith and Cristina's room wasn't completely...approved...strictly speaking so..."

Owen blinked. When he had arrived with the children that afternoon Shepherd's wheelchair was already stationed by Meredith's bedside. He'd just assumed it was okayed by the St. John's staff, but now that he thought about it, nobody had said that to him outright. Still, he'd never have guessed Kepner would ever think to break protocol like that.

Owen's surprise must have registered on his face, because April hastily explained, "It was Cristina's idea really, but I just thought after everything...after Lexie. It's what Meredith needed. And Derek."

It would be Cristina's idea. But the explanation gave him another pang of guilt. Dr. Stark had said it once. April saw the whole patient. She saw them as a person. Not just a disease or a single organ or a fast track to publication. It was a rare enough quality in the cut throat world of surgery. One that Owen liked to think he shared with his resident. And yet, he'd done little to share that with her.

Owen cleared his throat and said, "I see."

April nodded and awkwardly moved to sit in the nearby waiting room. Owen reached a hand to her shoulder, pausing for only a second before resting it there, "Look, Kepner, about your job and boards...about everything really. I just want you to know...I let you down and I'm sorry."

April blinked back at him, clearly surprised by his words, "I-thank you, but nothing that happened is your fault sir and I-"

"I could have spent more time teaching you..." Owen ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "I could have...I should have..."

"Hey," April said, reaching her own hand to his shoulder. She looked serious for a long moment before she said, "Listen...I'm okay. Or not exactly, but...I will be. You'll be okay too, Dr. Hunt...you're a solider. We're soldiers. We'll survive."

And with that, she gave his arm a small squeeze and then wandered off in to the living room, leaving Owen to ponder. Maybe he had taught April something after all. Maybe he wasn't a failure.

* * *

Jackson leaned forward and tightened the last buckle on Sofia's car seat, pulling back and pulling at the plastic seat, double checking that it had properly been installed in the Robbins rental car. He'd already set Mrs. Shepherd up with a seat and sent her and Zola to the hotel for the night and now his SUV was free of baby equipment. Behind him stood Daniel Robbins holding Sofia, with April by his side, playing a game of paddy cake with the baby. She beamed and Sofia giggled.

Jackson realized that there was a part of him that loved watching April be goofy with the babies. A wussy fuzzy kind of part of him that let his mind wander beyond the pain and loss of the past few days. The part of him that wanted to focus on the one good thing that had come out of all this crap. That he and April were together. She loved him. And somehow that was enough to make Jackson believe that, for the two of them at least, life would have a new beginning. And maybe someday Jackson would have lots of time to watch April be goofy with babies. And time to join her.

Barbara had opted to stay with her daughter and Callie in the hospital for the night. Arizona was finally awake and she was still having a hard time coping with the reality of the crash and the losses in addition to being an amputee. So the Colonel night would be solo mission in granddaughter wrangling. And, not surprisingly Alex had opted to stay in the hospital with them one final night. "Just swing by and grab me in the morning or whatever," was all Karev said to Jackson about the drive home, before ducking back inside Robbins's room. Jackson understood. If Mark...if Mark had made it, he would stay too.

When Jackson was sure that the car seat was completely secure, he turned around and bowed jokingly, "It's finished."

"Yay!" April cheered, grinning at Sofia and clapping her hands with the baby in a small round of applause. Daniel's somber expression softened and he played along, trying to keep the mood light for the one year old. He used one hand to give Jackson a salute before he moved to the car and strapped Sofia inside. He rounded the car and got in and April and Jackson waved as they drove out of the parking lot. When the car was out of side April yawned and rubbed her eyes.

Wrapping one arm around April's shoulder, Jackson leaned down and kissed the top of her head, "We should go to the hotel. I'll drive this time, okay?"

"Okay."

It was clear how exhausted April really was because on the whole walk back to the car and the short drive to the hotel room, she remained silent. Very uncharacteristic. At least, when they were on good terms, which Jackson was pretty sure 'dating' qualified as. He didn't push it and he let her stare out the window at Spokane's dim streets. It was hard to believe that only 3 days ago his biggest concern was how he would manage leaving her behind when he went to Tulane. Now Jackson knew he never wanted to leave April. He never wanted to experience the feeling his mentor had had about Lexie in the last moments of his life. And he didn't even want to go to Tulane anymore. The career stuff didn't matter so much. The people he cared about were the ones that really mattered.

When they arrived at the hotel, Jackson fumbled with the door lock for a second before opening the door. April went in first, making her way to the nearest bed and flopping down horizontally face first.

"I feel like I could just sleep forever, and never wake up" she said, voice muffled by the comforter. Despite her words, April sprang up, as though she's touched something hot. Sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a hand to her mouth she regarded Jackson seriously, "I didn't mean...I mean, that wasn't-"

"I gotcha," Jackson replied shaking his head fondly and settling down on the couch beside. At this point her once severe pony tail was now mostly loose from it's hair tie, and he tentatively freed the remaining curls. April watched him out of the corner of her eye. It was a fairly intimate act, considering. As her best friend he'd never just randomly touched her hair. Jackson didn't know how she was going to react.

April surprised him by leaning into his shoulder and leaning back so that they both stared at the ceiling. She rolled to her side, and rested her head on Jackson's chest, the fingers of one hand absently playing with the buttons of his shirt. They stayed that way for a long time, and Jackson was sure that April had fallen asleep when she spoke again.

"I have been thinking..." April whispered. "This is all kind of fast..."

His heart dropped.

* * *

April felt Jackson flinch and realized that her sleep deprived words were all coming out wrong. Hastily she added, "Not that I don't like...what I mean is...well it is going fast but that's not-"

She didn't really know how to explain the sense of calm and peace that had finally settled in deep within her that evening. It was weird. It didn't detract at all from the grief and sadness she felt over the loss of her friends. It also didn't really detract from the disappointment she felt in herself over failing boards and losing all her job offers. Or from her confusion over her faith. It was just a release that made her realize that it was  _okay_  to feel those feelings. Aside from knowing she loved Jackson, she still had no idea how things were going to turn out, but her pressing anxiety about it all had vanished. Knowing that Jackson loved her was somehow enough.

Twisting her fingers in Jackson's shirt again, April tried to collect her thoughts, "What I mean is, we haven't really been doing things in order. You and me. For...I mean we've gone from being friends to...having sex, to being awkward, to agreeing to date, to saying I love you in a matter of days. That's hardly a normal progression for a relationship."

Jackson's breathing made April realize that her rambling still didn't make much sense. He huffed and said, "It's not like we haven't known each other for yeas. I guess it's not normal, but normal is overrated. It wastes time and-"

"I know!" April said finding his hand and lacing his fingers together. "That's just it. I used to worry about being normal and hitting all the right milestones and having everything be perfect. But I failed and planes crashed and men come into hospitals with guns and kill my friends and..."

April lifted her chin, meeting Jackson's concerned gaze with a smile. "Jackson! Normal doesn't exist. There is no proper path. And I am okay with that. Now...I think maybe the point is finding your own path. I still don't know what I am doing about my job or anything. And three days ago that would have terrified me. It  _did_ terrify me. But it doesn't anymore."

"Why?"

"Because you said you loved me."

Jackson still looked uncertain and April bit her lip and rolled over on top of him so that she could look into his eyes, "Jackson!" she grinned.

"April!"

Knowing that she was occasionally hard to understand on good day, April assumed her addled brain on less than 5 hours asleep in 24 hours was hardly making sense, so she tried again, "Maybe I'll redo my boards next year. Maybe I'll go to into private practice. Or research. Maybe I'll start going back to church regularly again. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll choose something completely different and become a Buddhist or something."

The confusion was even more clear on her boyfriend's face and April almost laughed, "The point is, I don't know what's going to happen! All I know that it will all be okay. I can feel it. This...this is the right thing. We are the right thing. We're going to get through this together and we are going to be okay."

A slow smile spread across Jackson's face, "You think so?"

Finally he was getting it, April rolled her eyes and slid down to lay Jackson's side again, "My mother always says when you know you just know."

"That's what she says, huh?"

April nodded, "She said that with father she just knew. And...I know, Jackson. _I know_. I can't imagine my life without you. I couldn't even imagine it without you before we slept together. I'm sure it won't be easy or pleasant all of the time, but...I just know that things will work out. You and me."

"So, let me see if I have got this right...we're going to be okay," Jackson murmured, chuckling softly.

"We  _are_."

"After we sleep," he joked. But there was truth in the statement.

"After that."

April nodded, snuggling closer to Jackson, and closed her eyes. There would be time to deal with the business of life tomorrow. She felt alright with herself, all her weaknesses and strengths for the first time that she could ever remember.

Yes, she had failed her boards and lost her job offers. But through her mistakes, April had learned valuable lessons about herself. Yes, she'd lost her virginity outside of marriage. But her instincts had lead her to the right guy. She just knew it. So what did it matter? April was finally learning to be at peace with herself. Comfortable in her own skin and her own life. And surely that was something that Jackson, her parents, even Jesus or any God worth believing in could be proud of. More pride than passing any test the American Board of Surgeons could ever give. At the very least, April decided to be proud of herself. And calm. Because she knew they would be okay. Her and Jackson.

"I love you," April whispered, as they drifted off to sleep, laying the wrong way on the bed, still fully clothed.

Before she fell asleep completely she felt Jackson pull her closer, and heard his reply, "I love you too."

 


	8. Chapter 8

_We like to think that it's your whole life, each and everyday you live, that makes you who you are. But, if we are really honest, we have to admit that most of the days we live are pretty boring. Most of them don't have much bearing or significance. We wake up, we bathe, we eat and work. Those days don't really make us who we are._ _A big few days can crash into your life with such force that they touch the rest of the days you will ever live. Couple of days can change your entire life. Like a ripple effect._ _Some days are just more important than others. Just a few of these days make our lives. A chain of important days that link together all the boring and ordinary ones. But that's the beauty of living, if you really think about it. Those ordinary days make us savor the important ones, and the chain of days that matter most make us who we are._

Jackson sniffed and rolled his eyes as his mother fussed with his suit and tie, while they pulled to a stop in the parking lot. She licked her thumb and began cleaning some imagined smudge from his chin. He grimaced and batted at her hand.

"Mom, we have plenty of time for that...just let me-"

"I only want my baby to look perfect. One more thing," Catherine fished a lint brush out of her purse and began rolling the sticky paper over his shoulders. Jackson sighed.

She just couldn't let him be. Then again, he felt grateful that Catherine and the rest of the family had finally stopped nagging him about staying in Seattle for the past year. He'd chosen to take his fellowship offer at Seattle Grace, in part because of the plane crash and everything that came after. He'd discovered that the crazy little group of friends he had there were truly a family. His family, as much as his mom and the rest. And it had really worked out quite well. He was around to help Callie and Arizona with Sofia. The new plastics department head, Dr. Ogisawa let him have basically unsupervised control over the Burn Center. And of course there was also April. The woman he loved. Everything about staying in Seattle had been good because of April.

Shaking his head, Jackson opened that car door and stepped outside, leaving his mother in the idling car. He shoved his hands in his pockets and carefully made his way up the grassy path. Birds chirped and the late summer sun shone through the trees that lined either side of the path. He could hear the quiet sounds of lapping waves coming from nearby Lake Union. It was a beautiful place. Four people he cared about very much were in this place, and even though Jackson hated that they had to be here, he supposed there was some comfort in knowing that they were resting in a place so calm and beautiful.

Scuffing his feet Jackson took a right, walked five rows and then took a left, following the familiar path that was now burned into his mind. One of four. Today there was only time to visit one, but it didn't matter. Jackson felt like no matter where he went in this place, it was visiting  _all_  of his lost friends. He kind of thought that, out of everyone, he was the one who came here the most actually. Not that he judged anyone about it. Everyone grieved in different ways. This was his.

Jackson wasn't a very religious person, but he'd discovered that a part of him was indeed very spiritual. He felt like when he spoke in this place, the people he missed could really hear him. It was something he'd discovered about himself, accompanying April on her whirl wind journey through spirituality over the past year. It had been a real trip, and this time it was something that Jackson shared with April, rather than a part of herself that she kept hidden from him. She talked to him about it, when questions crossed her mind, sometimes late into the night. And they investigated. Almost scientifically.

They'd knelt in the pews of catholic churches (interesting, but sometimes the incense burned his eyes), visited the separate prayer rooms of Seattle's largest mosque (cool, but a little lonely since April had had to be upstairs with the other women of the church), sung gospel hymns with the congregation of a baptist church (really interactive, but Jackson was a terrible singer), and gone on a mountain meditation retreat with a Buddhist temple (calming, but nature was admittedly not his favorite place to be).

They'd talked to priests, monks, ministers, rabbi's, imams, and even had one memorable conversation with a druid. The apartment bookshelf had 3 different Bibles (a King James, New American, and a Guttenberg Vulgate translation), the Analects of Buddha, a copy of the Koran, and two versions of the Bhagavad Gita mixed in with their countless medical texts, recipe books, and assorted novels. Jackson hadn't read more than a little of a few of them, but he knew that April had closely researched each one. If nothing else, April was completely thorough in her exploration of religion, and while in the end she'd ultimately settled on becoming semi-regular member of a pretty liberal protestant catch all church not far from their Ravenna apartment, it seemed that April had found out a lot about herself along the way. Jackson had too.

And he enjoyed attending the services with April. The pastor could sometimes be a little hippy granola for Jackson, but usually the sermons were interesting enough. The focus was always about love and being kind to one another. Not long and not too boring. Nothing shoved down your throat. Just stuff that made you think. And the people were nice. Jackson really enjoyed all that. There was usually a picnic or food related something afterword and there was a particular gaggle of about 3 old ladies who always seemed to make sure that Jackson was the guinea pig for their baking experiments. He wasn't sure how he got the role, but he was totally okay with it. And April seemed to be happy enough with the church too (it was apparently very different from the one she'd grown up with in Moline), though she still wasn't 100% sure on what her beliefs were. They'd agreed that they would keep going to Fairview Church until it become uncomfortable for either of them, and that the children they would one day have would be exposed to the best parts of all the religions they'd learned about. Jackson could tell April never wanted a child of hers to feel as guilty or ashamed about religion as she had, and for himself he thought he wanted his kids to have a little more belief in faith and the intangible than he had had growing up. So it seemed like it would balance out. He was confident. And...well, come on: nearly unlimited pastry tasting. Total perk.

When his feet finally carried Jackson to the place he wanted to be, he stopped and looked down and the polished marble gravestone in front of him. Mark Sloan: 1968-2012. That part was still a little bit jarring. He rubbed the back of his head and sighed.

"Hey man, it's been a while," Jackson said quietly, in his mind expanding the apology out to the rest of his friends in this hallowed ground. Mark, Lexie, Charles, and Reed. "Sorry guys. I've been busy. Cases and planning and organizing and all that..."

Jackson knelt and used one hand to brush some dirt off the edge of the marker, "Things at the hospital are pretty good. New Chief is actually older then Webber, if you can believe that, and he's been cool enough. I mean, everyone really knows he is just kind of a place holder really, until Bailey gets enough seniority to be evaluated for the job. "

Jackson laughed, "Even new guy seems to know it's only a matter of time."

Once the dust was cleared he pushed back to his feet and continued speaking to all of them, "None of you would even recognize the residents lounge these days. They got new lockers and painted it and stuff. It's kind of ridiculous."

A squirrel ran across the grass, making the grass rustle, before he reached a tree and darted upwards. Jackson put his hands in his pockets.

"Anyway, I kind if just wanted to stop by, let you know what's going on. Sofia and Zola are doing great. Really well. Happy and healthy. Best friends. We took them to the farmer's market in Fremont the other day when we were babysitting...they had a blast."

Maybe the whole thing was really lame. Talking to people that couldn't hear you. But it made him feel better. Like he hadn't forgotten them. Or stopped caring about them.

"Today is a big day for me. I'm getting married," Jackson continued, smirking as he preempted both Mark and Charles's reactions. "Don't laugh."

He didn't notice the sound of a car door slamming or the quiet sounds of footsteps on grass and pavement.

"April and I...we've been pretty happy. I love her, and...I just wanted to let you guys know that...well, in a way you all are a big part of how we got together. So...thanks. We really wish you could be with us in person today. We miss you."

They did.

"Jackson, honey?" The sound of his mother's voice jolted him from his quiet contemplation.

"Yeah?"

"Are you ready? I've just gotten a call from Grandpa and he's already at the church, getting a little agitated about being on time and you know how he gets..."

Jackson nodded taking one last look at Mark's headstone and the picturesque surroundings. He was ready. He had so much to look forward too. A wedding and a honeymoon in Hawaii, finishing his fellowship and expanding the burn center, holding his first child in his arms (and probably a second and a third or fourth if April got her way), growing old with April, and everything in between. But he would always cherish the moments he had. He would cherish them because he had a life to live. A whole life when his friends didn't. He'd live his life to the very fullest because the couldn't. He owed them that, and couldn't think of a better way to honor their memory.

Turning to Catherine, Jackson smirked, "Ah, hell hath no fury like Harper Avery running behind schedule..."

He held out his arm to her and she looped her own through it, strolling back to the car with him arm in arm. When they were seated and buckled in, Jackson let out a deep breath and turned to look at his mom.

"I'm ready. I really am."

* * *

Arizona winced as she and Sofia carefully ascended the front steps Fairview Church Seattle. One hand tightly gripped the metal railing for support and the other held on to her daughters tiny fingers. Callie was finishing up at the hospital still, and would follow along later. In the year that had passed since losing her leg, she'd really made a lot of progress. She liked to think she was doing really quite well with it. Her latest prosthetic fitting was the most comfortable yet, and Arizona was proud that she'd graduated from crutches to cane to nothing in 10 months. And she'd been able to work again too. If she absolutely couldn't have her real leg, and she knew she couldn't, Arizona was determined to make the best of it. She would only accept excellence from herself.

Stairs however,were still a little tricky for Arizona. They required careful negotiation, and balance to avoid high pain. Sofia had to manage them at the same slow speed. Luckily, her little girls leg's were still short. For the most part they now had about the same pace. Which had turned out to be kind of nice. Because when everyone else was walking quickly and moving ahead, Arizona got to have special time with her daughter. An unexpected perk, she supposed. Looking down at Sofia, Arizona grinned. Her girl looked as cute as could be, decked out in her flower girl's dress, complete with white Mary Janes and a satin bow in his silky black hair. She was the most adorable thing.

"You ready, Sof?" she whispered, giving the toddler an encouraging squeeze as they approached the top step.

Tentative nod.

"You remember everything you learned to do at the rehearsal?"

Sofia licked her lips, and grinned, answering breathlessly with a firmer nod, "Yep!"

Something about the reply reminded Arizona of Mark, and she suddenly found herself choking back tears. Sometimes it just hit her like that. Even all these months later there were times when it just felt like the air was punched out of her. She'd forget and want to call Mark and tell him something cute that their daughter had said or done, and then it would all rush back, even though she hadn't really forgotten. Mark was dead. Lexie was gone too.

But even though Arizona was determined to master the new circumstances of her body, it didn't mean that she wasn't inclined to wallow. She'd gone to a very very dark place in the weeks and months after waking up to find that her leg was already amputated. The moment she'd fully come to consciousness and actually seen it. Followed the line of her leg, expecting to reach a foot and finding...nothing. It was a moment of her nightmares. Only it wasn't a dream. It was all too real. Too permanent. She would never have two feet again.

And so Arizona had become depressed and confrontational and isolated. She spent weeks in bed and at home. She'd initially skipped out on her therapy sessions. She didn't want pity and she didn't want sympathy. Not from Callie, or Owen. Avery and Alex. No one. All she'd wanted was her leg. A wish that could never be granted.

In the end it was Sofia that snapped her out of the darkness. She remembered the evening clearly. Callie came home with Sofia from the hospital for the day. From the bedroom Arizona had been able to hear the sounds of pots clattering in the kitchen as Callie made dinner. Through the cracked door, she could see the flicker of the television as Sofia watched some television show. She knew what was coming next. It was the same thing every night. Callie would pop her head in and ask if Arizona felt up to joining them for dinner for that night, and she would say no, and then Callie would ask if she and Sofia could eat in the bedroom with her and Arizona would also say no. And then she would eat a tray of food alone.

Sure enough, like usual, Callie's head appeared in the doorway, talking to Sofia as a ruse, "Why don't we see if Momma feels good enough to eat dinner with us today?"

Usually the little girl agreed and the conversation went something like, 'Hey Arizona. Do you feel like joining us tonight? You have to get up. Sofia needs both of us. She's lost one parent...' And every other manner of guilt inducing statements designed to yank Arizona out of her funk. She'd thought she was immune to it all. She was really. At least Callie's part in things. Because her leg was gone. A part of Arizona was gone. It was as though the part of her that made her a good wife had gone with it. But this night was different because Callie never even made it to those guilt inducing statements. Because Sofia's normal excited squeal or silence was replaced with a different response.

"Nuh. Momma gone..."

"No she's not sweetie," Callie's weary eyes flicked to Arizona's with pleading expression. "She's just really sleepy."

"Gone," the little voice from the couch piped up again.

Arizona winced, and then the guilt really did hit her. That's exactly what it must have felt like to Sofia. She hadn't been comfortable with seeing her daughter or anyone back then. Plus, early on she'd had a lot of pain in her stump, and the idea of a curious toddler crawling around in the bed with her...no. It had been easier just to make the master bed room and bath an off limits area to Sofia. In that moment though, Arizona had a realization. Mark was really gone. He couldn't eat with Callie and Sofia ever again. Ever. And yet, she'd seen her daughter so rarely in the past months that to the child it must seem like they were both gone. She felt ashamed.

Arizona had swallowed, and looked at her hands, "Maybe...maybe I can come eat..."

Callie had just been turning to leave the room, but her wife's words stopped her, "Really?"

Feeling a wave of guilt, shame and uselessness, Arizona bit her lip, "You'll need to help me..."

"I can do that."

And from that moment on, little by little, Arizona had began to rejoin the world, sans one leg. She'd started with just showering more and eating dinner with her family. Then she'd finally put an effort into her rehab therapy. She went to lunches with people. Eventually Arizona when back to work. She took on more and more projects, finding them all nicely on track courtesy of one guilt ridden Alex Karev before he'd gone to Baltimore. Bit by bit she rebuilt her life.

When they reached the top of the stairs, Arizona caught sight of April's sister Alice and the small cluster of Tuck the ring bearer and the three other flower girls assembled for the wedding. Not wanting to disappoint anyone Jackson and April were including her nieces as well as Zola and Sofia in the wedding celebration. That many girls toddling around required a minder of sorts, which Alice seemed to be handling nicely. When Arizona had met her at the rehearsal, the younger woman had flashed a characteristic and familiar ear to ear smile and proudly proclaimed herself the 'Pippa Middleton' of the wedding. Alice would be the one guiding four very excited little girls down the aisle.

Zola spotted Sofia and her face lit up at the sight of her friend. They were a funny little pair. Arizona was amused by their close relationship and she found it sweet, observing the ease and swiftness that children make friends. If only things stayed that easy. Sofia strained forward pulling Arizona's hand, moving to join her friend.

Arizona kept tightened her grip for a moment, leaning over to kiss the top of her daughters head, "Sofia have fun. Mommy and I will be watching you. Be good."

After Sofia nodded vigorously, Arizona released her daughters hand and watched her skip over to the others. She tried for a moment to remember skipping, but then thought better of it. She might not be able to do that now, but there were lots of things that she could do. Thinking of those things, Arizona graciously moved into the church and found a seat on the Avery side of the room, after observing that the Kepner side was significantly fuller. She carefully saved two seats, one row behind a beaming Catherine and a slightly stern looking Harper Avery. One seat for Callie, and the other for Karev's plus one. Then she pulled her camera out of her purse and figured out the best place to snap photos of Sofia. She might not be able to walk upstairs quickly, or run, or skip. But there were plenty of things Arizona could do.

The trick to dealing, she'd discovered, was to stick to that outlook. Train yourself to veer away from the can'ts and stick to the cans.

* * *

Alex sniffed and messed with his tie as Lisa made small talk with the cab driver. He hated wearing shirts that buttoned this high. He hated wearing suits and doing ceremonies and all that crap. He looked at his watch and moaned. They were running late. Which was probably kind of sort of his fault. But shower sex was so freaking hot. He really just hated being involved in the stupid little rituals of weddings and crap anyway. Why on earth he'd agreed to be one of Jackson's groomsmen...

A gentle hand reached over and laced her fingers through his. Lisa smirked and whispered, "Nikko says we're almost there, don't get your undies in a twist."

"My  _boxers_  are just fine!"

"Right."

"Whatever," Alex huffed crossing his arms.

"Uh, huh," his girlfriend shook her head fondly.

Sometimes Lisa drove Alex crazy. In fact most of the time she did. Always calling him out. Exposing the parts of himself that he tried to protect and hide behind his asshole shell, in her typical Baltimore crass. Then again, she was also there for him though his ups and downs. So he loved it and he hated it. Maybe that was the reason why he'd ended up falling into a relationship with her after he'd gone to Hopkins. She was a lawyer who's offices were across the way from his new digs. He'd seen her out for a jog one morning and thought she was hot. He'd decided to take up running again himself, for the sole purpose of slimming back down to his wrestling weight of course. Pure coincidence that he ran the same time as Lisa. At least that was what he told himself. But then Lisa had called him on that bullshit and asked him out, and Alex wad been surprised he'd said yes.

The cab pulled up and let them out in front of the modest brick church, and Alex and Lisa both got out of the car. She eyed him nervously and frowned. This was her first time joining him on a visit to Seattle, and her first exposure to his friends. Which they both realized was really important, because in every way that mattered Alex's friends, (Mer, Cristina, Robbins and Torres, hell even the soon to be 'Averys') were really his family. So Lisa meeting them was kind of huge.

They walked up the front steps and Lisa joked, "Now, you haven't got me sitting with some loud breather, do you? A fidgety Fred? Or a gum smacker?"

Alex shook his head and opened the door to the church, leading the way inside, and quickly scanning the seats, "No. I've got you with the best."

He'd said yes, and one month had turned to two and then two had turned to three, and be for he knew it, they were six months into this thing. Whatever it was. Alex had not gone to Baltimore looking for a relationship. In fact he almost hadn't gone to Hopkins at all. He felt too guilty after the plane crash. Funny how things work out. Robbins had been in his seat, and things had been tough for her right after the crash. He'd delayed first one month and then another. Someone needed to stick around and make sure Arizona's temporary replacement didn't screw any of their projects up. Only then another month had past and Robbins had slowly started coming back to work. He figured he'd stay. He owed it to her or whatever.

Only Robbins had other ideas. One day when they'd been doing charts, she'd suddenly turned to him and said, "Karev, what's this I hear about you rejecting the Hopkin's fellowship altogether? I thought you were only delaying."

Taking off guard Alex had shrugged and mumbled, "They say I can't defer anymore so...you know...whatever."

" _Whatever?_ " her tone was incredulous.

"I figure I can just stay here. You know..." he shrugged awkwardly. "Help out. Do my fellowship here."

Robbins had rolled her eyes at him, "Ah, yes...because getting a sub par education from a recovering teacher is exactly what you need. No, Karev. You are going to Baltimore."

"You aren't sub par!"

"I know. I'm awesome, I'm still running a little slow at the moment but I am awesome," Arizona smirked, before looking serious. "But...compared to the experience you could have learning at Hopkins...well,  _anything_  else is sub par for my best student."

"I'm still your best?" Even after everything. After the crash. After the leg. Alex hadn't believed her.

"You were always my best."

They'd stared at each other for a long moment before Robbins sniffed abruptly and held open the chart they were working on.

"And just think of the knowledge and training you could bring back when you've finished," she continued breezily. "It would be a great help to all of our projects to have someone else of Hopkins caliber working on it. I mean, the two of us could totally revitalizes Pediatric treatment in the Puget Sound area."

A slow smile spread across Alex's face. She wanted him back. Even as Robbins was pushing him to go, she was letting him know that Seattle was his home. And that she thought he was still worth looking out for, even though he was the cause of her greatest pain. Alex didn't know what to say. Hi mouth hung open like a fish, as Robbins gripped her crutches and moved to head down the hall.

"Come back in two years, Karev," she breezed over her shoulders, holding up two fingers to bring home the point.

"Hey," Alex had stammered. "It's not like I won't visit."

"Just make sure you focus on learning. Don't screw this up," Arizona quipped. "I may not have two legs, but I can still kick your ass."

When Alex spotted Arizona in the church, he lead Lisa down the aisle and awkwardly introduced them. He was never good at this sort of thing, and he was glad when Robbins noticed his fumbling and took over, letting Lisa sit down next to her and shooing Alex away with one hand.

"Go Karev, the wedding party is already getting set up."

Lisa smirked, "I'll be fine. Arizona here can tell me  _all_ about your time as a resident...I'm sure I will be impressed."

Alex sighed and rolled his eyes, reluctantly heading to the back of the church to join the rest of the wedding party. He smirked as he ran into Cristina and Owen as they headed in to find a seat.

"Hey Hopscotch. Is that your new bed buddy?" Yang said before gesturing to the rest of the groomsmen, Meredith, and a couple of April's sisters stood in the lobby of the church. "Aren't you supposed to be over there?"

"Yeah, yeah. I know," Alex laughed, pulling Cristina into a hug that was uncharacteristic for both of them. He missed her. Cristina had been the first to get the heck out of dodge after she recovered from the plane crash. It was kind of abrupt and she didn't really say goodbye. She'd just up and gone to Minnesota leaving everyone, including her husband behind. And at first she floundered at Mayo. Imagine that? She actually struggled. There had been talk of her dropping out of the fellowship program.

Alex gave Owen a quick handshake. He didn't really know what had transpired between the couple honestly. No one did. Well, maybe Meredith. He'd already been in Baltimore when it had all gone down. One day Yang had apparently just shown up at Seattle Grace. Some epic something had gone down. He'd heard various versions of what had gone down, from Kepner, Avery, Bailey, and the rest, but none of them really seemed to be completely accurate in Alex's mind.

April and Arizona's version made everything sound too romantic, and Yang didn't go for romance. Avery and Bailey's were too utilitarian, because surely it would take more from Cristina than a simple, 'I miss you, come live in Minnesota with me' to make Hunt give up being Chief of surgery. Mer refused to divulge much, saying it was Cristina's tale to tell. And Alex didn't really know how to talk to Yang about emotional crap. Whatever had happened, Cristina's gesture worked and Owen ended up moving to St. Paul with his wife, heading up the trauma department at Mayo. They both seemed happier.

Giving Hunt a quick nod and walking away from them both, Alex said, "Later Mayonaise. We'll hangout at the party, okay?"

"Oh, that is so not gonna be my nickname-"

Alex didn't reply. Jackson's brother, Parker, the best man, had spotted Alex and was beckoning him over to the groom, himself and one of Kepner's brother's in law. Parker was as slightly shorter, slightly fatter version of his younger brother. Alex could understand why the younger brother of the two had been dubbed 'the pretty' one. There was just no comparison. But Parker was a successful New York cardio surgeon, with a hot wife and a young son, so Alex supposed it was true when they said that looks weren't everything. By Parker's side stood a rather nervous looking Jackson. He didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, and he kept bouncing one foot almost impatiently. Alex exchanged a grin with Parker. It was so sappy how much the dude had fallen for April.

"Buck up Avery," he joked. "It's all gonna be over soon. Wedded freakin' bliss. Downhill after that."

"Thanks, that really helps," Jackson sneered good naturedly. "I can't wait to be married. Being married will be the fun part. The ceremony is what I wish I could skip. Grandpa staring holes in my back the whole time."

"Ah well," Parker shrugged. "That's what you get for being a cheap low rate plastic surgeon."

Alex winced and glanced over at Kepner's brother in law, who stood wide eyed. Neither of them were sure if Parker was serious or not. Alex couldn't remember if the dudes name was Biff, Buck, or Bobby, but he was pretty sure the guy had spent his entire life doing manual labor of some sort on a farm. He was thick and muscly and had certainly not come anywhere close to being in an OR as anything other than a patient. Maybe he hadn't even graduated college. Alex could tell that from his prospective, being a plastic surgeon must have sounded like being a king. And Alex could understand that. He came from crappy poor beginnings too. If the Avery family was really that serious about being snobby over specialties, maybe they all needed to rethink how lucky they were to be in medicine at all.

But then Avery's brother grinned, and squeezed Jackson's shoulder, "Just ignore him. Stay cool. You'll be fine. Today is all about you and your girl."

"Yeah, screw what the old man says," Alex nodded. To be honest, it was kind of his whole lives model these days. Screw worrying about what other people thought of you. All that really mattered was what you thought of yourself.

* * *

Meredith rocked back and forth in her heels, patiently waiting as the small wedding party assembled for April and Jackson's wedding ceremony. Behind her stood April and two of her three sisters, Libby and Kimmie. The three of them were bickering as Libby made some last minute adjustments to April's curled hair. A pang of sadness and nostalgia hit her as she overheard the scene.

"Stay still, April."

"Stop it," April hissed, pushing her older sister's hands away. "It's fine!"

It made her think of Lexie. Her own sister. A sister Meredith had gotten close to. Lexie and Mark would never experience a wedding like April and Jackson were getting the chance to have. They would never experience the a life together. Meredith missed them both dearly, and it had spurred her to make some crucial decisions in her own life. Over the past year, Meredith had made the effort to get in better touch with her single remaining living sister, Molly. While technically she had met this youngest sister first, it was Lexie that she had formed a better relationship with.

After Lexie's death, Meredith had been forced to think long and hard about what mattered in her life. Derek had too, given the unfortunate end of his surgical career. He taught neuro at the hospital instead and spent more time with Zola. Career's weren't everything. She'd always thought that family, in the normal sense wasn't exactly something she was ever going to get the hang of. Not with her Thatcher Grey walking out on her, or Ellis Grey's dedication to career excellence. That was the reason why it had taken her  _so_  long to warm to Lexie in the first place. But now they had Zola and Lexie was dead. Meredith had a family of sorts, made up of her friends, and she found she liked it. And following the crash, Meredith realized some changes had to be made. So, Molly, Lauren and Eric Thompson were becoming larger parts of her life.

Kimmie reached her hand toward April's head again, and the red head snapped, "Will you both just stop!"

Meredith moved to the group and laid one hand on her friend's shoulder, adding sagely, "April, let your sisters have the moment."

April really did look radiant in her simple white gown and She used her own hand to straighten the bride's hair and said, "We just want you to look perfect."

April blinked rapidly and her jaw opened in realization. Her tense shoulders relaxed, her features becoming a little dreamy, as she said, "Jackson always thinks I look perfect."

Libby made eye contact with Meredith. they both new how hard it was to find love like that. April and Jackson's love was definitely unexpected. But it was definitely true and pure. April adored Jackson. And Jackson must love April very much. Before, Meredith never thought she had ever gotten the 'more than friends' vibe from them, until after she was released from the hospital after the crash. Admittedly, she wasn't paying much attention to either of them before, beyond caring on a surface level. But when April and Jackson had helped to babysit Zola during Derek and Meredith's recovery, it was clear that something had changed between them. And then they'd revealed that they were, in fact, dating. They had explained with some lame sounding story about how they suddenly just realized that they wanted to be together. Meredith knew there was more to the story, and had only gotten a more full version of the picture from Alex, but Alex wasn't the most reliable source for things either. He'd mumbled something about boards, boinking, and being spooked by all the dying and crap.

It was only after a lot of wine had been consumed at April's bachelorette party, that Meredith learned the whole truth about Jackson and April's hook up in San Francisco and how the crash had played into things. It had been the tipping point that had forced them to deal with things honestly. Compared to the turbulent romantic trajectories of most everyone else in their circle, especially. Their story was sweet and true. Like the pair themselves. Meredith was happy for them. And the fact that they were influenced by the losses of Mark and Lexie made Meredith feel as though they both had a role in this wedding too. Their lives had made a difference, not only in the lives of countless patients, but also in the lives of close friends. She could find some comfort in that.

Meredith grinned and replied, "Then, I guess it's a good thing Jackson is the man you're marrying, huh?"

"Yes."

From inside the hall, the music changed and Alice was already getting Zola and the little girls into place. Joe Kepner appeared and offered April his arm. Meredith joined Libby and Kimmie in formation. This was it. Go time. She watched as the wedding party slowly proceeded into the church, first Jackson and the grooms men. Then Meredith's daughter and the rest of the cute little flower girls. Then Tuck and the ring. Now it was Meredith's turn to walk to the alter with April's sister. She smiled at her friends and Derek as she passed them in their pews, and took her place on the left side of the altar. Today was a good day. The kind of day that is meant to be savored and held on to. Meredith had learned the hard way to latch on to the days like this. Because their memory can help you survive almost anything.

The music changed again, and Joe and April made their deliberate walk down the aisle. Meredith grinned as she saw Jackson's face light up as he looked at April. It was like they were the only people that they could see in the room. This would be a wonderful memory for the both of them. One of those memories that could get them through the darkest days.

A pastor, who combed his slightly too long hair like he was in denial about how much is was receding beamed out at the congregation and began to speak when April head reached the altar.

"Jackson Bernard and April Leigh: Today you enter as individuals, but you will leave here as husband and wife, blending your lives, expanding your family ties, and embarking upon the grandest adventure of human interaction. The story of your life together is still yours to write. All those present have come to witness and celebrate your love and commitment this day - eager to a part of the story not yet told."

* * *

April's cheeks hurt as the ceremony continued. Her smile was ear to ear. She was so excited she could barely take the ministers words in. She couldn't help it. This was...this moment was more than she had ever dared to dream of. Jackson stood by her side, looking as handsome as he ever. Her family, actual friends, and everyone sitting behind them. It was more than she had ever dreamed of really. More than April had ever thought she was good enough for.

Sometimes she still had to pinch herself, and really pause and accept the fact that this was her life. Really and truly. April would wake up early and just stare at Jackson as he slept beside her. Just to make sure it was real. This was nowhere near where she thought she would be a year ago. A year ago, April'd felt like no one. An utter failure. Now she felt like she was really happy. At peace with who she was.

"Do you Jackson, take April to be your partner in life and sharing your path; equal in love, a mirror for your true self, promising to honor and cherish, through good times and bad, in sickness and health, until death do you part?"

Jackson's striking blue eyes looked her up and down in that way that still made April's heart flutter. He smirked and squeezed her hand slightly as he said, "I do."

They had already seen more than their fair share of bad times in the past. The shooting, and the plane crash. And all the losses. She knew that anything bad that might happen in the future was surmountable. Jackson had stayed by her side through a lot. In the past year April had explored both her career and her spirituality. She'd worked at clinics, general practiced with a sport's medicine group, and taught a class on trauma protocol design at the UW Medical School, all of which she enjoyed very much, even though it wasn't surgery. She had studied for her boards as well, with Jackson's help and only days before the wedding, she had found out that she had passed as a board certified surgeon. Jackson had supported every choice she made, including her decision to reapply for the Seattle Grace trauma fellowship. Now that April knew she would be back at the hospital and on track to be a full attending surgeon, the gravity and finality of her initial failure felt less painful. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. It had been for the best in a way. April valued the accomplishment all the more, because it was something that she had almost never achieved. And because it had taught her that she was resilient, much more than she'd ever given herself.

"And do you April, take Jackson to be your partner in life and sharing your path; equal in love, a mirror for your true self, promising to honor and cherish, through good times and bad, in sickness and health, until death do you part?"

April bit her lip, and locked her gaze on Jackson, "I do."

Figuring out what she believed about God was something that was less clear cut than passing her exam. Religion and spirituality was something that April now realized she would be evaluating her whole life. She'd probably never understand 100%. The religion that she'd grown up with back home in Ohio, in many ways had failed her. According to her church at home, sleeping with Jackson had been utterly wrong. But knowing everything that would come after between them...that had only happened because they'd had sex. And this? Their wedding, and their relationship? There was just no way that it was wrong. And, if there was a God and Jesus and everything the pastor in Moline told them there was, April couldn't see what the point of it all was if He didn't want to forgive you. If He didn't want you to be happy.

And so April had branched out, researching everything she could, from world religions, to sociology of organized religion, to the biological theory on the subject. Jackson had gone with her every step of the way. And the one thing April had learned was that in a lot of ways, God is what you make Him to be. Every single religion she had explored had had good parts. No one faith was more correct than another. That was her take away. And ultimately, she'd realized that believing in some greater power gave her comfort. It gave her comfort to think that people she loved, her Grandparents, Reed, Charlie, Lexie and Mark, were in a better place. She liked to believe that Jesus took care of them. It helped her get through her day. It helped April survive. It allowed her to pick herself up and carry on. So whether it was real or not wasn't the whole point.

It didn't really matter what belief system you followed, or whether you followed one at all. It didn't even really matter if religion itself was just an evolutionary response in the brain. Because if it made you feel better? Helped you survive tough times? April thought that concrete understandings didn't matter. The outcome was the same. So April and Jackson had found a congregation that made them both comfortable and reasonably happy.

"And now, by the power vested in me by the State of Washington, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife."

April blinked, pulling herself back to the ceremony. This was it. They were married. Her and Jackson. He was her husband. This was the single happiest moment of her entire life. It was better than winning the state science fair. Better than graduating medical school. Better then getting Chief Resident. April licked her lips and sighed giddily, leaning forward, grabbing the lapels of Jackson's suit jacket and pulling him into a passionate kiss, eliciting laughter from the guests. She just couldn't help herself.

Chuckling, the pastor said, "You may now kiss...your husband."

Jackson took hold of both her hands and pressed their foreheads together. 'I love you' he mouthed, before they both turned to face their friends and family.

"For the first time, Jackson and April, husband and wife."

The church erupted in applause. Looking out she could see her tearful mother and father, a beaming Catherine Avery, and a surprisingly smiley Harper. Dr. Webber's eyes twinkled at her from a row near the back, and Owen, Cristina, Bailey and the rest scattered in the rest of the seats. Tuck and the little girl's were smiling and cheering and everyone rose to their feet. It was a wonderful moment, and April felt tears pricking at her own eyes. Jackson was choked up too.

They were surrounded by people they cared about. About to embark on a life together, that April couldn't wait to experience. She wanted to go on a honeymoon. She wanted to buy a house. She wanted to have children. She wanted to have a life. With Jackson. They were going to have their chance at a great life. And they wouldn't forget those who they missed. Holding tight to her new husband's hand April and Jackson walked up the aisle and led all the guests out of the church to the reception hall. The vows were all done.

The ceremony was over. Papers were signed. Now was the party. It was a celebration. A happy time. And they did finally get to eat some duck.

 


End file.
